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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Trying not to contact my ex

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Author Topic: Trying not to contact my ex
Moon-Bandits
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[[This topic can probably be really triggering for rape/abuse survivors so read with caution!!]]

In March I cheated on my boyfriend and broke up with him the day after it happened. I think I'd secretly been looking for a way out of that relationship because he always told me he'd hate me forever if I ever cheated on him.

He made me feel so uncomfortable. We spent 3 years together and when we started dating he was almost 19 and I was just 15. At the time I thought I was cool because I was dating an older guy but now I realize how not okay it was for a 19 year old man to date a 15 year old. Not to mention that after only a month of dating he was already asking for sex. I made it obvious that I was scared but he kept trying to convince me it would be okay. When I tried to lose my virginity to him it hurt too much so we had to stop. After that he refused to kiss me and make any contact with me because it was "torture" for him since we couldn't have sex. I became desperate to have sex with him because I was afraid he would leave me.

The thing is he always acted so loving and sweet and I always thought that since he was so "nice" to me there's no way it was an abusive relationship. I remember discovering that he drew rape porn for himself to get off to and when I confronted him about it he got mad and embarrassed and blamed me for looking at it. Later in our relationship he said it was something he let go but I feel like that's not something you just let go of one day.

When we broke up he was a mess and told me all the time that he wanted to kill himself. He would call me late at night begging me to take him back saying he didn't want to live anymore without me. When I would tell him he can't call me so late or demand that I come over he would get mad and say that his life was more important than pissing off my family or not getting any sleep.

One night my parents kicked me out and I had nowhere else to go but his house (we used to live together). I slept on the floor next to his bed and while I was sleeping he read my texts to another guy and woke me up to confront me about it. I told him he shouldn't read my texts and went back to sleep. Then he woke me up again sad because he wanted me back and climbed on top of me. I immediately told him to get off and he tried to play the victim and told me he "missed me too much" and couldn't help it.

If I didn't answer his texts he would freak out and send me tons of messages telling me I'm a bad person and shouldn't neglect him. Finally I told him to **** off and leave me alone. I blocked him on facebook and he tried to add my parents on facebook. He constantly checks my tumblr and makes weird vague posts about me and now fetishizes black women because I'm black.

I'm with a guy who loves me a lot and helps me through this every day. But sometimes I get really mad and want to send my ex a furious message. I never called him out on his shit and I want him to know that everything he did was wrong. Should I leave it alone or say something?

Posts: 18 | From: Los Angeles, CA | Registered: Mar 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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Hi Moon-Bandits,

What do you think would happen if you sent him a note like that? From what you're describing here, he still isn't leaving you alone completely, and I'm wondering if you think he might view a note from you as an invitation to try to contact you more, rather than less.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Moon-Bandits
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Hi, thanks for answering! He's not trying to directly contact me anymore, he's just obsessing over me and checking on me. But I have him blocked on every possible website and my phone so he has absolutely no way of contacting me.

I think if I told him all this he would become suicidal again because he always saw himself as a victim and me as a horrible person who left him for no reason. I guess the only reason I'm worried about sending this message is I want him out of my life and I want to forget about him but if I send that message then it means talking to him.

But I want to tell him what he did wrong because I don't ever want another girl to go through what I did

Posts: 18 | From: Los Angeles, CA | Registered: Mar 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
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I think when people have gotten to the point when they're threatening suicide as a manipulation tactic (and it's very very likely that this is the case - people who are actually suicidal don't generally make those threats, they quietly make plans and carry them out), then their entire internal narrative is all about being the poor misunderstood victim of every event and relationship.

Of course I can't know for sure, but from what you've said here it seems possible that if you said something like "what you're doing is not ok, you need to make sure you don't make anyone else go through this in the future" he would just take that as further confirmation that you just don't understand; and that he's the victim in this (and every!) situation. It might even, as Robin said, also serve to make him try to contact you more; if he gets attention, even negative attention from you, it could be more of an incentive to harass you.

What if you just wrote all the super angry thoughts down in a letter and then burn it, or otherwise set it aside instead of sending it? I think purging all of that anger can be helpful even if the person you're angry at doesn't ever see that message.

[ 06-17-2013, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: Molias ]

Posts: 1316 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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