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Author Topic: The healing process
just_nobody_90
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Its funny how sometimes when you need to heal something, you have to go through your wounds. Or when you desperately want to forget about something is when you need most to think about it.

I dont know if this makes sense.

Ive been thinking about a lot of things these days. Ive been trying to put in words what my feelings are. I think that for the first time in my life Ive allowed myself to feel anger.

This puzzle is getting more and more bigger.

I made this new thread because Im really trying to convince myself that there is nothing wrong with me.

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Robin Lee
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Yes, it's a strange-feeling but very-often true thing that the only way out of something is through it. Or maybe it's not necessarily the only way, but the way that will make things easier in the long run.

I'm not really sure what you're referring to in your last sentence though. I'm not sure what you mean by there something being wrong with you. Can you tell me more about that?

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Robin

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just_nobody_90
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Oh, thats because my first thread title was "There must be something wrong with me" because I got the feeling that I was a magnet to abuse. Feeling that I am fighting.
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Robin Lee
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Ah, I understand now.

What would be most helpful for you to talk about right now?

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Robin

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AshGolden
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Congrats on your progresses! I'm happy to hear you want to change point of view on the situation and your emotions are finally rushing out. It can be hard to handle, but also exciting to feel that you're stepping out of this life, to live your own from now on. Anger is necessary to heal, and focusing on what you want to forget too, like one last time before freedom.
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just_nobody_90
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Thank you Ash and Robin.

Like Ive always said I am not very good with emotions, but I am trying my best here.

Right now, what I am feeling most is anger, but I kind of feel guilty you know? I mean I am angry to people who didnt hurt me, know what I mean?

But at the same time I think anger is a very useless feeling. Because it only hurts, and it only hurt you, the person who is feeling anger. I dont know if this makes sense but, Who cares if I am angry? They dont even know?

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AshGolden
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I think anger can be the expression of knowing what's right or wrong, what is acceptable or not. For me, it seemed to make the determination stronger, because if you're able to get upset now, you'll be again before someone tries anything disrespectful toward you. You won't stay blocked on this emotion, but knowing you're able to have such anger to defend yourself is important.
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just_nobody_90
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Thats actually a very good point Ash! I never though about that.

Right now I am agry at my parents you know? Wich I personally think it is totally unfair, but I am. I was only a kid when this happened, how is that even possible that nobody noticed anything.

I don't know, I get confused when its about emotions.

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AshGolden
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It's sadly common to be confused about your emotions when you have suffered such bad thing in your childhood... And your parents were supposed to protect you at that time, so such anger might be the start for protecting yourself as well.
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just_nobody_90
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You maybe right.

I know we can't change what happened, but I am looking forward to develop the strenght to say NO ITS NOT OK the next time. Know what I mean? Not that I am looking for a next time.

So, it must be late in Europe right?

Thanks for always being willing to drop by.

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AshGolden
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I'm trying to be around, but I hope it doesn't annoy you, just tell me if you prefer to hear from Heather or Robin; they're more conscious than me, and it can be tricky to have experienced something close to what you described... I don't want to make it more confused for you, so if you tell me you prefer someone with more distance, I won't insist [Smile]

All these steps you describe, even though the confusion and anger may not seem what you expected from healing process, are all precious, and participating to building this strength you're willing to develop. Only thinking "no, it was never okay" helps to be able to say it at the moment, even if it's not a "next time", but just a joke that makes you feel uncomfortable, or a compliment that you're afraid could lead to something bad. The stronger you'll be, the more you'll be able to stop it before it happens.

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just_nobody_90
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It's okay Ash, you never annoy me. I really enjoy talking with you. You always give valuable points of view. Sometimes when I read you I go with a "duhhh" why didn't I think that before? [Smile]

Besides, im sort of afraid of Heather [Smile] (sorry Heather it's not you, it's me I swear!)

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just_nobody_90
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And you are so right about the compliments you know? I hate those. And now that you say it, I guess it is because I think they may lead people to do something else.

See? I love your comments! [Smile]

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AshGolden
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I'm sort of afraid of people who knows a lot, so I guess I can understand you about Heather? Though I know everyone here has great motivations to help and change this world, so that such things won't happen as often, and that we can be protected and supported, so I'm always grateful... but as you can see, I didn't dare to start a topic about myself yet, too afraid to annoy and take for myself the attention that other persons need more than me.

I'm glad you can think some things I say are useful, but when you don't agree, I think it can be important too, because it can lead you to understand yourself more maybe?
Actually, when I first read your first post, I thought "wow, I should have expressed things that clearly when I started to get the hint something was wrong in my life," so now I hope you can find your own answers, with or without my points of view [Smile]

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just_nobody_90
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I never say I wasnt thankful. I know they are doing a GREAT job here and that is something really amazing to know that out there are people who care about people. Thats why I said it's not her, it's me.

But one thing Ive learned here is this, you not getting help, doesn't help anyone else in pain know what I mean? Heather told me that. So everyone deserves attention, you told me that.

And other thing Ive learned, when you get stuck in your own world with only your points of view... really really hard to move one.

So lets just see how it works.

And if you ever start a topic about you, be sure someone here will be not only proud but really happy to read it.

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AshGolden
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Since I'm having a very good therapist now, I'm luckier than most of the persons asking for help here, and I never doubted you were grateful too! But even this mix of being afraid/grateful toward Heather shows pretty well how confusing it can be to talk about such intimate issues here, at least for me.

Other points of view can be helpful and really needed, and some things you really need to hear from other, this I read on this message board and on scarleteen's articles as well. It's great all along the process, but at one point I guess the truth you find is yours only, and their goal is that we'll have enough confidence to know what's right for us, even though we could disagree with some parts? At least that's what I think.

But you're right, let's see how things work, and it's great if you feel like dropping by even just to clear some feelings or let us know you're changing point of view; having faith that the problem isn't you is already wonderful [Smile]

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Heather
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Hey just_nobody_90, just a quickie, as I only saw this in passing and am down for the count with some kind of bug today.

It's okay for you to feel however you feel about me, and you don't owe me any apologies. None of us are ever going to connect with everyone, or do so in the same ways. When AshGolden showed up, I noticed you seemed to connect better with them, so I stepped back. I'm glad you're connecting so well with someone clearly fantastic, and I'm 110% okay if and when that person isn't me. [Smile]

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Hey just_nobody,

I just wanted to jump in here just to say something quickly that might help. I have found that anger is a really powerful thing if you can channel it the right way, I used to feel just as you do now and I was frightened of anger and never quite knew how to use it.

I have now learnt that I can use that anger for some really good healing things, for me I can put it into art or playing my guitar, or doing something physical like going for a run or something. I find anger is a lot more positive for me than sadness, I guess it is a more proactive emotion and so long as I don't let it consume me or take it out on people then its ok to feel it. Its ok to feel angry at your parents too, you can feel how you feel inside and its okay.

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just_nobody_90
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Hi and thank you nixieGurl!

I think what you say about anger its so true. It is a more proactive feeling. Sadness is something that I am used to, but it tends to keep you in the same spot you know? I am not very artistic, but I wish I was.

What I see about anger is that it makes me want to move, so I see your point.

Im still not comfortable with the idea of feeling anger toward my parents. Its one of the mixed up and confuising things Im trying to sort out.

But I am looking for some balance I guess.

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just_nobody_90
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And Heather: I really hope that someday I find the right words to tell you what I feel and what I think (only because I want to, I got the point that you dont need to hear them)

Im still looking for them..

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just_nobody_90
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AshGolden

I hope that someday I can have that kind of relationship with my therapist, you know trusting her and feeling safe around her. But I am aware it takes time.

I totally agree with what you said about others points of view and how to the end it is only your truth that matters most. I belive that one thing of growing up so insecure is that your feelings and your thoughts and emotions are not valid. (or at least you think that)

I guess it is something I have to UNlearn like Heather said. I think it is the most important thing I have learned from Heather: I HAVE TO UNLEARN so many things.

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Robin Lee
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Hey just_nobody_90,

I hope it's okay if I chime in here.

I just wanted to chec in about whether you've discussed trust with your therapist. They're not going to be upset to hear you don't fully trust them, and talking about this in therapy would, I think, give you some clarity and maybe help you find some ways to trust more.

What do you think?

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Robin

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just_nobody_90
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Hi Robin!

No, guess I havent told her directly that I dont completely trust her. But thats just because I think its my issue to deal you know? I mean she has been a good therapist, its me the one who has problems trusting. But the last time I was with her I think I felt better around her.

I think, really, that even coming here and writing the things I write have helped me to allow myself to try and talk more and more to her.

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Heather
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The thing is, she's there expressly to help you with your issues, so knowing what they are, and to what degree, helps her better do her job. [Smile]

So, I'd put a vote in for telling her about that, as it helps her do her job better. If you're worried about hurting her feelings, know that's honestly not something you have to concern yourself with in a situation like this.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Robin Lee
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I'm really glad to hear you feel like you can open up to her more and that writing here has helped you with that.
And, you know, she's there to help you with your issues, so if not trusting her is part of your issues, she's there to help you with that too. [Smile]

It's up to you, but if you do feel like this continues to be something significant for you, you don't have to go it alone. Knowing how you're feeling about her, and about the sessions, can help your therapist be even more helpful to you.

Just my two cents. [Smile]

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Robin

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just_nobody_90
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Maybe you both are right.

The other times when I have been in therapy I put all my energy into proving that therapy will never be useful to me. I really did everything in my power to make sure it never worked.

But this time I want this to be different. So I guess I will have to do different.

Its not about hurting her feelings though, its about showing mine, and being afraid that she really doesnt care. Its weird.

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Heather
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Establishing trust is a pretty big part of any therapist or counselors job, so I feel very confident in saying that is absolutely something she's going to care about.

If it helps, though, I tend to think of counseling or therapy a bit like a mirror. Really, it's about us, not the counselor or therapist, and what they will tend to care most about will tend to be what we care most about.

Of course, if we don't share what those things are, they most often won't be able to know what they are and thus, care about them.

Know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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just_nobody_90
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I guess I know what you mean. She will care about what I care about.

Heve you ever been with someone and wanted to tell them something so badly, but when you try its like you lose your voice? You open your mouth but thats it, no sound gets out of it.

Im just trying to get pass that. (and you dont have to answer my question)

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Heather
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Absolutely. Those are the times I personally tend to find that writing a note or a letter works best. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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AshGolden
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Hey hi! It's good that you can open here at least, my therapist told me it's really brave to admit you're afraid to trust someone. As for me, I quite bluntly rant at her, after a few weeks, to say that I knew it was only a job for her, while it was life matters for me, so I would never put any faith and just consider her as a mirror listening to what I need to express, and not a human being. It was just my anger at the moment, but she handled it, and used what I said to understand me better, sometimes ask if I felt some changes in my feelings, what it would mean for me to accept she's human and not an object with no emotion... It was a very important part of the therapy finally, and I guess for you thinking about it on your own, even if for now, these are words you can only say when you're alone, and not in front of them, is important too.
Saying you don't trust them and why is precious, and would already be the start of some trust, so it's okay if it takes time, but it will be a really great step when you'll say even just that [Smile]

Maybe expressing such things, that are not what others would need nor want to hear, is part of this unlearning process you mentioned, and your therapist is the ideal person to experience on this speaking out and attempting to trust.

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just_nobody_90
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That is exactly what I think and feel. For her its just a job and for me is my life what we are talking about. Its hard not to think that everybody has their own agenda with you when usually thats how it is.

But I read something a couple of days ago that rang a bell to me: "When you are ready to talk you wont be able to hold back."

So again, I guess with time and trust and maybe some notes as Heather recommended, I will be able to let go of everyhing that is inside of me.

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Heather
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I don't know if it's helpful to hear this, but as someone in a helping profession, I can tell you that for most of us it really, really isn't "just a job."

Those of us who are really dedicated to these things usually tend to figure that it is a privilege and an honor for someone to give us the trust to help care for them and help them care for themselves with their toughest stuff. In other words, we know that it's a big deal when someone has chosen us to help them, and that tends to be something we consider pretty sacred.

In other words, yes, this is the way we make our living, but for most of us, and I'd say for nearly all of us who stick with it over many years, it's so not just a job. It's more a way that we can help people, people we're very invested in, and people we care about a great deal. Most often, our agenda is to help people to reduce their suffering and improve their quality of life so they can be happier and feel better.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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just_nobody_90
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Thank you for that words. They do help.
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Heather
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If this kind of work was just a job for most of us, all of our friends and family would probably be a lot happier with us. [Razz]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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just_nobody_90
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[Smile] Point taken!
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