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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » I feel humilliated

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Author Topic: I feel humilliated
99redballoones
Neophyte
Member # 101253

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Hello Scarleteen, I havent been here for a while and I really don't have a question for this forum, but I do have something to tell, I guess this is the right place because I feel completely humilliated and don't know really how to react or what to do now. But a few months ago I started hanging out with a bunch of people (older than me, I'm 21, they're around 30) and started to like one of them, not really my friend, but we know each other because we always hang out with the same people. Last weekend I was at a party with them and he took me home but stupid me thought maybe he liked me, but I also know for sure he is a guy that knows he is handsome so he tends to be arrogant with people, but I started to like him a little bit, not even as a bf but just like attracted.

So yesterday we went to a party and I was being kind of flirty with him and he also was behaving like this, for moments though he rejected me a little and bothered me, but everything was fine. I asked him if he could give me a ride home (with all bad intention, and by this I mean expecting something else to happen) and we ended up at his house with another 3 male friends. They started to leave one by one until he just went to sleep because everyone was really wasted (not my case) and I told him I was leaving and he said like no, stay and tomorrow I'll take you home. So I just lied next to him and his friend came into the room too. I changed side, next to my friend and then we moved to my side so everyone could fit in the bed, but then my friend hugged me and hugged my leg with his legs, he took my hand to his stomach and started to take of his pants, then he told his friend to go to the living room, he came back, closed the door and he pretended to be sleeping or at least he had his eyes closed most of the time, lied next to me again and took his pants completely off. I started giving him a handjob, several times. Then he just took me down and then said I was hurting him because I was biting him, then I just stopped and he said, "this is wrong, I think", just pulled up his pants and gave me the back. I went to the bathroom and started to look up for my shoes and sweater, and he told me not to go, he asked me if I was mad and it was dangerous to leave at that time. So I didn`t care, I called a cab and took home. At first I felt really confused, but then I thought he was a complete idiot because he treated me as a slut, he wouldnt even look at me or even touch me. I hate myself for being so stupid and hoping something would happen. I dont even know what to do, if still hang out with the group of friends, pretend it never happend or what. I also feel kind of ashamed and worried because I don't know if he is telling anyone and maybe the rest think I'm a slut or something.

Feeling very confused and humilliated, ashamed and stupid [Frown]

Posts: 9 | From: Spain | Registered: Dec 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi 99redballoones,

I'm sorry to hear that such an upsetting thing happened to you.

You can't control what he says or does from here on out, but you can control what you do. Do you want to continue hanging out with this group of friends? You're allowed to, you know. [Smile] That is, as upset and disappointed and humiliated as you feel, you're just as entitled to continue being friends with these people as he or anyone else is. This bad stuff happened between you and him, not between the entire group.

What do you feel like you need right now to feel okay about this? It's also okay if you just need to stay in this place of feeling bad for a while. Sometimes we have to just let ourselves feel the feelings, as yucky as they feel.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
99redballoones
Neophyte
Member # 101253

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Robin, thank you for your quick reply. I feel like crying, but I really can't. I feel stupid because I know I was just looking for this to happen, but not in this way... I also already knew he was arrogant and that, but never thought this happened to me. I feel worried because a couple of guys from that group are becoming closer to me as friends and I wouldnt like to lose them, but what if a rumor starts? This has never happen to me before and dont know really how to manage it. I've only told a friend from school in the exact moment I went back home and she told me not to think about it, my cousin said that it could have been worse, and of course I know it, it's just that I feel stupid for thinking something would have happen and stupid because I let myself carry on by the moment, trusting and just doing stuff wrong.

Another thing that worries me is that, I don't even feel mad about the whole thing. I already knew how he is, I feel just sad about myself, like my slefesteem just dissappeared.

Posts: 9 | From: Spain | Registered: Dec 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
99redballoones
Neophyte
Member # 101253

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As if I had lost respect for myself at this point.
Posts: 9 | From: Spain | Registered: Dec 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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What do you feel like you need to help you rebuild your self-esteem and self-respect?

You don't know for sure that rumours will start. If there were to be rumours, do you think it would help you to plan ahead for how you would deal with them?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
99redballoones
Neophyte
Member # 101253

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It's been a week now and I think I got over it. I mean, I tried to visualize myself as the strong person I am, of course I felt really bad right after what happend, I felt used and as an object, but also I think that it shouldnt matter so much too me I mean, I know there is people that love me and support me and there is no need to get involved with people who dont see how great someone can be and they just use you for their own pleasure or convinience [Smile] I also think I will see my friends this weekend and I think I should act normal... I have nothing to say about this and maybe if he has something to say, he can.
Im just trying to focus on the good things about me and everything that surrounds me to feel better everytime and to rebuild my selfesteem as you said Robin. Thank you again for having this helpful space for us to express our feelings [Smile]

Posts: 9 | From: Spain | Registered: Dec 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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