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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » In a strange space

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Author Topic: In a strange space
nixieGurl
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Hey all,

Just wanted to give an update here and share some stuff. My abuser is still in prison and was denied bail which is great, I have been asked to write a victim impact statement which was hard but I'm glad I have done it for when its all in court.

I am waiting to find out about a job in Australia where I would nanny my niece. They live in a small aboriginal community on an island not too far from Darwin so I would be nice a far from here. Its taking so long to hear if its happening though, its like a carrot being dangled on a stick in front of a damn donkey right now.

I'm going to my psychologist every week and she is really fantastic, although she is pushing for the mental health team to get involved with me again and get me out of the house more because unless I'm working I don't really go out, I just have huge anxiety when I'm out and its getting worse lately which makes no sense to me as I'm safer now. Ive been having some issues with ocd which I didn't know was ocd but walking around locking and unlocking then locking my doors for two hours at a time is not normal. I just can't stop myself. My psychologist is helping me with it though.

Ive just been in a strange space mentally which I feel super guilty about because I should be grateful and happy for all these good things but I mostly feel depressed and sad about my life. It doesn't make sense and I am trying not to be this way but its been hard. I guess I'm quite lonely but I don't want to see anyone either. I'm just weird. I feel so ungrateful. I am trying to do things to make up for it like donating blood and going on the international bone marrow donation registry, which are good things to do but mostly make me feel less guilty for not appreciating what I have.

I have overwhelming urges to try to somehow make up for not having been a child pretty much ever due to circumstance, and just do crazy things. The other day it rained so I went and sat in it until I was frozen, because I felt like it. What kind of weirdo am I becoming?

I am not sure what's happening with me really. I guess I just needed to get it out.

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Robin Lee
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Hey there Nixie,

Sitting in the rain until you're frozen doesn't make you a weirdo. My sense is that you never felt safe to do that before, and hey, you gotta do something at least once. [Smile]

Seriously though, you're allowed to still be struggling. The fact that things are so much better now doesn't take away the years and years when they weren't. It's going to take you some time to work through all of that.

I can't tell you to stop feeling guilty, because you're allowed to feel how you feel, but I will tell you that you have nothing to feel guilty about. You're allowed to take care of yourself in whatever way you need. You're sharing things with your psychologist so she can help you with them.

You're allowed to just be, dearheart. You don't have to try to be someone or feel a certin way because you think you're supposed to.

From where I'm sitting, none of this surprises me, and it sounds, over all, like you're just where you need to be right now.

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Robin

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nixieGurl
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Thanks robin,

I guess I just find the process of working through it hard because I like to just get things moving so fast and I hate the process. I am impatient with myself. I have been feeling so much anger about everything, some days I'm really fiesty and great and positive and the next day I'm just back to depression. The angry days are better.

I just want to forget the past now and keep moving on but forgetting is not going to happen. Mentally its really screwed me up, everything that has happened. I feel robbed of life.

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That Strange CT child
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Progress of any type, especially mental health wise, takes a long time
Just because its all good today doesnt mean it will be tomorrow, but dont fret about that
Its all bringing u closer to freedom
Ive had days, like today, where im not even at 50% mentality, other days i feel perfectly fine
Go out and do things you enjoy, get a pet or grow a bonsai tree
A little appreciation for nature goes a long way
If u werent in new zealand i might even consider sending u a baby mantis or frog if u wanted [Smile]
Its ok to not feel 100% all the time, as long as u keep trying to get up there [Big Grin]

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It is my hope that what i ask here is answered for me and anyone else afraid to ask the same question :)

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nixieGurl
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Thanks so much,

I am into art and have attempted getting back into my painting lately but its just not happening. I just end up realising an hour later that ive just sat there staring into space. I have a little dog who I take care of for her owner quite often who makes me feel a lot better and when I have her I'm forced to go out as she needs to go for a walk each day. But she has not needed me to look after her lately and likes having her with her when she is home too.

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nixieGurl
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Well just heard from my sister, my brother in law didn't get the job so I won't be going to Australia anymore. I'm beyond disappointed. Ticket to freedom was so damn close.
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moonlight bouncing off water
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Aww, that sucks for you nixie! But, a bump in the road doesn't mean to road is ending, only that. You must slow down and avoid the pothole. (So that might sound philosophical and hokey, but what I'm trying to say is that this possibility evaporating doesn't have to be devastating. But it can still suck a whole lot. There's nothing wrong with feeling that.)

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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nixieGurl
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Yeah I guess so. It also means that next week I'm flying down to ch ch to read my victim impact statement in court, I was hoping to avoid this trip. I hate going back there, so many memories that I just don't want to face.
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Heather
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Might it help to think about the fact that you are going back in a position of power you have never been in there before? [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Yeah I guess I am really. It's just such a daunting feeling to be standing up there again and knowing that there most probably will be people who very much don't want me there. I'm just not feeling very powerful at the moment, the thought of being there just makes me feel ill.
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Heather
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Right, but it's in an environment where you are absolutely protected, and where most people in the room WILL want you there.

I think it's also safe to say few people in a jury, who by the time they hear your statement, will know all about the things this guy has done to you and others, will want HIM there.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Thanks heather, I will try to think that way. I guess I'm just a bit down at the moment about it all. It's frustrating that my life just seems to be standing still.
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Heather
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It'll just forward. All the more when you do this I think, honestly, since this kind of thing has long been one of the ways you've been stuck, you know?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Yeah, it's just feeling like me going and reading this out is totally outing myself to everyone and I've been trying to hide this for my whole life. I know its good and needs to be done, just mentally it's a struggle. And it sucks that the day I have to do it I turn 27. I just want this year to be different. I'm really nervous that I will get sick again. I need to change my attitude.
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Heather
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Oh, I get that it's scary as hell, to be sure.

But I'd focus on the kind of scary it is, because it's a very different kind than you've usually experienced. It is NOT the scary of what someone else will or might do to you that is out of your control. It IS the kind of scary that's about taking a positive risk, and the scary of TAKING control. Get the difference?

But yeah, still scary. But the good kind, I think. And the kind that life is going to involve when we're coming through to the other side of the hard stuff.

Personally, I think it's actually a good thing this is happening on your birthday: how cool is it to do something so brave and start a new year being such a badass?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Thanks heather, I will try to think of it this way. I understand what you mean about it being a different kind of scary and you are totally right. I am in a better place than I was this time last year. I think it's just my mood that's making it harder. I know i need to be more positive about it but I'm constantly fighting with myself. I feel crappy that I'm not appreciating the good stuff. I'm really sad that my job in Aussie didn't work out Anissa feeling like that would be really a fresh start. I feel like all I do is complain when things are so much better for me.
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nixieGurl
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So I am back in the hometown. Have to read my statement in court on Monday. It is quite something being back here. I was screamed at in the street today by a man and his partner who I don't know, but they obviously knew exactly who I was. I have been staying with mum, she has been really up and down, really hard on me about being ugly etc. She wont go in public with me because of that, and because im too fat. Its something I have not missed and I have been much stronger about it, its not about me and I know that, but it stings even though I don't want to admit it does. I'm depressed and feel more isolated now. I tried to organise to see a few friends down here and no one was very interested bar one good friend. I can't wait to go home, and for Monday to be over.
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Heather
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Ugh, Em. Biggest of hugs.

When are you able to go back home?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Hey Heather,

Hugs very much appreciated. I don't go back till Wednesday morning, it could not come too soon. I tried to be positive about all this and organize a get together for my birthday but my friends here are apparently not interested. I'm not surprised and its okay, but its hard to be stuck on my own all the time just thinking and being harassed by people. It sucks being back. I really appreciate where I live now so much more. I really am just so homesick its painful.

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Heather
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I always forget we have birthdays near to each other. [Smile] <Awesome aries fist-bump>

With you coming to be in court, did they assign you any kind of advocate for this? If so, I'd suggest calling them and asking for help with the harassment while you're there. They might be able to help with that.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Hey Heather,

Yeah Aries babies we are. I tried to give them a call today but no one was available as it was sunday, but I do have an advocate who will support me tomorrow in court so I will discuss it with him or her then. I'm so anxious about the whole thing. Its just being back here and everything that goes with that, ive been physically shaking uncontrollably for most of the day. Its just really crappy.

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Heather
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Today's your day, right? (I always get so ridiculously confused with giant time differences.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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yup, todays the day. I have been awake for far too long already and am just so nervous, but I am ready I think. I think.
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Heather
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You're going to be amazing. I know this.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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