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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Letting go of the past

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Author Topic: Letting go of the past
Member # 107304

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I have been with my first girlfriend for a year now (having previously only being with boys) and our sex life at the start was incredible. After the initial realisation that I am gay and that it's OK we proceeded to have lots of great sex and I was able to come very easily. Since we've got closer emotionally, however, it has become more difficult for me to have an orgasm. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I had some abusive ex-boyfriends who left me with very low self-esteem and now that she and I have started talking about it the memories are somehow getting in the way of my pleasure. She is worried that I have stopped enjoying sex with her, which is completely untrue, but we can't ignore the fact that I can only come if I masturbate myself now. It is putting a strain on our relationship and I'm desperate to recover the sex we used to have. Any ideas how I can stop my past affecting my present?
Posts: 1 | Registered: Apr 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi littlehamster and welcome to scarleteen,

I'm sorry to hear that this is causing a strain in your relationship. A person's ability to orgasm has nothing to do with their level of attraction for their partner. You've said that you're able to orgasm through masturrbation. What do you think of incorporating that into your partnered sex? It's not at all unusual for someone to masturbate themselves during partnered sex.

I'm also sorry to hear that you experienced some abusive relationships. It's not unusual for negative feelings from the past to come to the surface when life is going well; I think it has something to do with feeling safe and it feeling safe to remember things.

How do you feel like your low self-esteem affects you? Have you ever gotten any support around your low self-esteem or the abusive relationships, such as from a therapist?

Do you find that the self-esteem stuff and the memories of the abusive relationships are affecting you in other aspects of your life right now besides your sexual relationship?


Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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