Donate Now
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » How to move out

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: How to move out
moon_goddess
Activist
Member # 55254

Icon 1 posted      Profile for moon_goddess     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi,

I've posted a couple of times previously, and I feel like I keep running into the same problems over and over again.

I'm currently really unhappy with my living situation. I live at home with my parents and two of my three siblings even though I graduated college, and I don't have a car. So far the only job I have is a 20-25 hours/week minimum wage job, which is not enough to move out on. I got another part-time job that I will need to have a car for, but I'm not really sure how many hours it will be.

My brother moved out a couple of months ago to somewhere where he can be with staff 24/7, which makes things a lot better at home, at least it should be making things a lot better at home. It's not really. There are a lot fewer fights, but I still don't feel physically or emotionally safe.

I also feel like if I move out, I'll be leaving my two other siblings here (one of whom is really young, the other is a very depressed teenager), and I don't feel okay about that.

I have enough money to either move out and pay rent for about 6 months or get a crappy-ish car. I can't do both. I think it would be healthier for me to move out, but not having a car is going to severely limit my potential jobs (not to mention the one I just got where I said I would have access to a car).

In an ideal world, I would go find an apartment/small house and rent it by myself, because I have a really hard time warming up to strangers and I tend to withdraw from common spaces due to not feeling okay. (I'm starting to wonder if I have PTSD.) Unfortunately, I don't think I have enough money to rent somewhere by myself and feed myself, so I've been trying to think up alternatives that won't trigger me.

My best (so far) alternative is that my boyfriend of almost a year and I should move in together. I brought it up a few weeks ago, and we're going to keep talking about it. I don't think it's a terrible idea in general, but I don't think I would feel nearly as insistent that we talk about it this soon if it weren't for my current living situation. He currently lives a 1/2 hour away and I have to borrow a car to see him once a week, and my parents sort of disapprove of me sleeping over, which makes me feel uncomfortable while I'm living at home.

I want to do Americorps starting in August, so any living situation including living together would be pretty short-term (I'm nowhere near ready for more than that with him). But I'm trying to figure out how to get up and do something to improve my life instead of just complaining and getting depressed about it.

I kind of just needed to get that all out, but I would like other suggestions for living situations/car/boyfriend that people might have.

Posts: 48 | From: Northern Hemisphere | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hey,moon_goddess.

I'm just about to head out for the day, but I will absolutely help you get started with this tomorrow, if you like.

Maybe before then, you can let me know how much of this really hinges on how you feel about your sibling's safety after you go? If it's a lot to do with that, we should probably talk about your options with that first, before we move on to where you'd go?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moon_goddess
Activist
Member # 55254

Icon 1 posted      Profile for moon_goddess     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I guess I'm not worried about their physical safety that much. I'm really uncomfortable with spanking (and any sort of physical altercation makes me really uncomfortable) but I don't see it as a moral imperative to change at the moment. My family is still adjusting to my brother moving out, so things are sort of off-kilter right now. Hopefully they'll settle down soon.

Now that I think about it, I think I get really triggered when anyone gets into an argument, because it brings up a lot of stuff of me being in physical fights with my brother who doesn't live with us anymore and my parents. I feel really uncomfortable when my dad gets in my space because of that, and I think he is pretty physically intimidating when he's upset.

tl;dr version: I don't want my siblings to be the focus of this, and I don't think it's serious. I think my family is just really unhappy and doesn't work as a group together.

My siblings come into the picture more when I consider my options. I've been arguing with my parents a lot more recently, and starting to get worried that I'll get kicked out of the house. And I'm starting to wonder if I'll feel better emotionally if I cut off all contact with my family (at least my parents) at least for a short length of time - like a year or so, so I can heal and get my life together how I want it to without their influences, explicit or implicit. If I do go that route, I would really miss my siblings and would still want to have some sort of contact with them. But this is all hypothetical so far.

Thanks for responding so quickly, and I'll look forward to discussing (messaging?) this with you tomorrow.

Posts: 48 | From: Northern Hemisphere | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay, I think I get a good idea of the situation with this.

And one thing I forgot to ask last night: are you still a minor, or are you a legal adult?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moon_goddess
Activist
Member # 55254

Icon 1 posted      Profile for moon_goddess     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm online now, and will be for most of the afternoon.

I am a legal adult.

Posts: 48 | From: Northern Hemisphere | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay.

So, when it comes to where a person can move when they're moving out, let's run through the general options, and I'll do them in order of general affordability:

• Some sort of public housing, when available (and that can include college/school housing for those enrolled)
• A room-for-exchange situation, like nannying as a live-in
• Living with roommates in a group (this is the most common way folks tend to live when first moving out, sometimes for many years)
• Living with a friend or a person you're dating, where they're just two of you
• A room-for rent, in a bigger house or building
• Living alone, in your own place (unless it is super-tiny, or in a less urban area, this isn't something people can typically afford when they first move out if they're not Paris Hilton)

Thoughts or questions about any of those situations?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moon_goddess
Activist
Member # 55254

Icon 1 posted      Profile for moon_goddess     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm not familiar with public housing, or what options would be available to me.

I'm sort of apprehensive about any living situation that involves sharing a kitchen with people I don't know - I like to cook a lot, and it's really stressful for me to interact with other people when I'm doing that. Also, I've had previous bad experiences with people stealing/throwing out my food and utensils.

I guess I like the idea of living with friends/significant other, but people say it can be difficult to remain friends with people when you do that. (I lived with a few friends for a year in college and it worked out alright.) I have a friend or two I could probably talk to if my boyfriend really isn't interested.

I don't think you'll give me a straight answer on this one, but do you think it's a good idea for me to move in with my boyfriend? I've read the considering cohabitation article and sent it to him to read, but it still feels funny. Ideally, I'd like for it to basically just feel like friends living together (since we were friends for a long time first anyway) and I don't want it to feel like a really big deal in terms of our relationship. It would be practical because we'd get to see each other a lot more. Is it unreasonable for me to want a separate bedroom?

I guess I'm still stuck on the money thing. I'm feeling really financially insecure. I'm still looking for jobs, but in the meantime with the job I have I might be able to afford $300/month which is about half my monthly income (and which my parents are going to start charging me anyway for living at home in January). I was wondering if when I move out I might qualify for the SNAP program, which would give me a little more breathing room in terms of budget.

Posts: 48 | From: Northern Hemisphere | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Obviously, I don't know about you and your boyfriernd's relationship in general.

But I hear you saying, so far, that you feel funny about it and don't think it's something you'd be considering that much if your home situation wasn't so crappy. So, really, the question is, do YOU think it's a good idea?

I don't think, though, you can expect it to just feel like friends living together if that's not how your relationship is. If you want to live in a situation that's like living with someone who is a friend, not a romantic or sexual partner, I'd suggest finding a friend to move in with. And I don't think that being housemates means the end of friendships: it can go any number of ways, from changing nothing, to people getting closer, to people liking each other less.

I also can't know if your boyfriend thinks it's a big-relationship-deal, so since it's something you obviously don't want to be that way, I'd say that's something to find out from him.

By no means do I think that partners living together who want their own spaces are being unreasonable. In fact, I'd personally say that to some degree, it's usually a must so people don't feel smothered.

In terms of finding out what, if any, state or federal assistance you might qualify for, you'll need to go to your local social services department. And I'd suggest you do that now, rather than later, because knowing the deal with all of that might give you options you didn't know you had, or make clear you can't get help you might be planning on.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3