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Author Topic: I'm not sure what happened.. or if I can do anything.
E_Marie
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Member # 99360

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This isn't even recent, it's almost silly to bring up, but..
When I was 13, I wasn't exactly smart (I was still a bit messed up about losing "it" to a guy 8 years older then me from the wonderful interwebz) and I certainly never had a proper reletionship or sex talk with..anyone. Nor would I get one if I asked. But one of the most confusing times of my life was when I was dating Kyle*(not his name, that's not allowed right?) It was the typical young puppy love thing, my friend introduced me to him, he dropped a few sappy lines and confessed his undying love to me, and I bit the worm. My friend, and he, pressured me into hooking up with him that night so I did. And over the course of the next two months, he regularly would either pressure me or physically force me into doing things for/with him.. some things people probably don't want to hear about, but they need to come out. (vaginal intercourse, oral, anal, overly rough so I'd leave with bruises and cuts, even scary things like cutting and going to parties or raves and having 3 ways) and of course if I put up much of a fight or made him made, I ended up with black eyes, but usually my bruises were well hidden by clothes. It was a little overwhelming, and my first response was to just wait it out, things would get better, he loved me, right? I had to protect him, he could go to jail, he was 19. Twice I approached my mother about this, but I shouldn't of needed to. Surely she noticed the bruises, the noise from downstairs (he came over all the time) surely she noticed the cuts on my wrist or the reluctance to sit down. But I approached her anyways, both times when I got a couple sentances out she would end the conversation with "I could tell from the moment I saw him he only wanted sex from you" or "It's your fault, you led him on" or other various "helpful" tips. My "friends" certainly knew what was going on, but did nothing about it. A few found it amusing, many sided with my mom and I was dubbed the town whore. But one friend, another much older guy friend could tell what was up. He ended things for me, and we even led everyone to believe that we were "a thing" for about a month so Kyle* would leave me alone (he would come to my school and follow me, calling names or approaching me, he'd come to my house or randomly turn up around town and follow me) but Logan was bigger then him, so he became glued to my hip for awhile so Kyle* would stay away from me.
By now this has all calmed down.. But it still bothers me. I never approached anyone with authority about it, because it's my fault, right? I wasn't forced to date him, and it was certainly easy enough to end things when Logan helped. But it still gets to me, and once and awhile I'll just withdraw and I won't want anyone to touch me, my boyfriend kind of knows what happened, but how could I ever make him understand? Obviously he's hurt by this sometimes, I don't mean to.
I don't even know if this should be in this section, because it wasn't always physically forcing me, so it wasn't always abuse. The whole thing is muddled up in my head and I don't know exactly what it was or if there's anything I can do about it. I just want some closure, why did it happen? What did I do to make this happen? How can I make it go away?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey there, E_Marie.

The tricky thing about an abusive relationship is that, really, it IS always abusive. It's just that the way the cycle of abuse works is that it includes periods of time where the relationship is in a phase some educators about abuse call the honeymoon phase, others the seduction phase. That's a time where an abusive person "makes nice" with someone they have been abusing. In a lot of ways, that's actually the most dangerous time, emotionally, with an abusive relationship because that's the phase that keeps most victims sticking around.

It's not your fault.

Just like it's not our fault if we can only afford to live in a crappy neighborhood where we get mugged or people break into our apartments -- those things are the fault of the people who did those things to us or our property -- abuse is not the fault of someone who gets abused. It's the fault of the person doing it. You didn't give yourself those bruises. You didn't put the sexual pressure on you. You didn't force you to have sex you didn't want.

You say your current partner is "hurt" by your surviving abuse: can you explain that a little more?

As well, it sounds like you've never sought out any counseling around this, which would likely help you a lot. Would you be open to that?

How about reading about abusive relationships and healing from them?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Robin Lee
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HI E_Marie,

I want to add that you bringing this up isn't silly at all. It's often not until a long time after something happens that we're able to fully acknowledge and identify it.

When you say your boyfriend is hurt, do you mean that he's hurt by knowing about the abuse you experienced, or hurt by you sometimes not wanting to be close to or touched by him?

Your response of sometimes not wanting to be touched is understandable. Touch wasn't always a consensual experience for you, and our bodies hold memories of the bad (as well as the good) things that happened to us.

I'll repeat what Heather said, this is not your fault. It was made even more difficult for you to get out of it by your mother's blaming and your friends' (and I wouldn't call them friends if they were doing this) amusement.

Heather asked some questions above that are solid questions to look at in terms of where you'd like to go from here.

--------------------
Robin

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E_Marie
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So far this place has helped me alot... no, I haven't sought any sort of counseling. At the time I didn't want to because I didn't want them contacting my mother, and now I feel like I'm past that (still don't want my mom involved). But reading around on here and hearing what you guys have to say helps a bit. Wouldn't a counselor be obligated to interfere since it's something that hurt me? (or so I read on the poster at the Youth Health Center-everything is confidential, unless you're planning to hurt yourself, other people, or are being hurt) I really just want to forget about the whole thing and move past it, but that's harder then I thought it'd be.
Mainly my current partner is upset when I won't talk to him about it. He knows I was in an abusive reletionship, he knows who it was (he's more angry with the other guy then upset about that) but he doesn't know the nitty gritty details, and he gets upset when I go to places like here about it instead of to him. The other time he gets upset is when I don't want to be touched, but when I explain why, he wants details or for me to talk to him about it, and I don't want to. I understand he's completely open about anything with me, but I just don't see why reliving the details with him will help at all. Maybe he thinks it'll help for me to talk about it, I don't really know.
From here, I really just want closure, but support is really nice too if I can get it.. like I mentioned, getting to talk to people who won't go running to my mom or judge me helps alot. I really don't like loose ends, or not being sure about things, so being confused about what happened and why is what bugs me the most (or when I can't stop thinking about it for no apparent reason)
Do you think it would help to go to a counselor about it? Or maybe vent to my boyfriend? I do trust him, we've been friends for three years, and everything is out on the table in our reletionship except that. (and a few other small things about our sex life that I also posted here :$ )

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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HI E_Marie,

Often when we're dealing with something big like this, talking to a professional is helpful not only because they've been trained to help us with it, but because they're impartial. Talking to someone who isn't going to respond with their own feelings and opinions about something is beneficial.

So, in terms of should you talk to a counsellor or to your boyfriend, the kinds of conversations you'd have with a counsellor aren't the same ones you'd have with your boyfriend, because it's going to be hard for your boyfriend to hear what you have to say without injecting his own stuff. It's natural that he would do that; when we love someone it's really hard to just stand back and listen. Think about the difference between talking to us here (we're not therapists, by the way) and the prospect of talking to your boyfriend. Does this make sense?

Whether or not you go to a counsellor is of course up to you. IN terms of whether they would tell someone, the rules are different in different places. If you have a specific place in mind where you could get counselling, you could give them a call and just ask if they're obligated to report past abuse that isn't happening right now. You could also mention that the abuse wasn't from an adult. Sometimes that's part of the obligation to report--when an adult abuses a minor.

IN terms of understanding what happened and how you're feeling and thinking about it, do you think it would be helpful to read about abuse and how people heal from it?

--------------------
Robin

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E_Marie
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I think it might help alot to read some things, I was browsing through the section but most of the things are about the actual abuse.. and a little hard to swallow sometimes.
I can think of one person, my school counselor who checks up on me alot and tries to get me to come talk to her (although she has no idea this happened, it was years ago, do I have a "vibe"?)
And do you mean lie? Where I live, it was very illegal. He was 19, I was just 13. I don't want to get into legal issues with a counselor, so that might be best, or I can skirt around the age difference.
Thinking about it now, I think I'm going to start talking to her. I came here for support, and I got it, but I can't keep leaning on you guys [Razz] There are lots of people who need your help too.
But something I'm worried about: I don't want the counselor to "dig". Alot of my problems stem from the first guy I was sexual with, he was 21 and I was 12, we met on the internet. Why? Because I was just looking for affection (not getting any at home) but that's already digging too deep for me, from the talks I have had with her, she doesn't stay on one subject for long, she keeps "digging" to get to why, or what happened before

[ 11-10-2012, 01:14 PM: Message edited by: E_Marie ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Generally, reporting from counselors is something done only when a person is still harming or being harmed. If there is no risk of you being involved with this person now, a counselor would not generally need to mandatorily report.

However, since it sounds like this person targeted someone considerably younger, I do think that you might want to consider self-reporting, or at least see what that might involve for you. Taking steps for justice can sometimes be very healing.

We really can't ask a therapist or counselor not to go for things of depth with us if we want that counseling/therapy to actually have any impact. In order to heal, we tend to have to "dig." If we just keep things on the surface, then we can really only expect surface healing.

But if that doesn't sound like something you're ready for, what might be a better fit for you right now is something that's more a peer support group for abuse survivors. In other words, where a group of people are sharing their stories and giving each other support. Those are usually moderated by a therapist or counselor, but they're more about just breaking silence and finding peer support than the more one-on-one, "digging" (as you say) that happens in therapy.

regardless, though, you can -- and should -- always ask any counselor or therapist about their privacy policies, about what they are obliged to mandatorily report and about their approach to therapy.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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E_Marie
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Thanks, I think that would help. I'll see if we have a suppport group on the island, and I'll give her a visit sometime after.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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If you have trouble finding something, feel free to ask for help, we're always happy to help look.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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