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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » life at this point (Page 1)

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Author Topic: life at this point
nixieGurl
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Hi all,

The other thread was really long so I am updating here if that's o.k. Im currently living in a safe house. A couple weeks ago I was beaten and it's taken a while to recover from that because my kidneys were damaged from the force of it. But im feeling better now, and the broken rib is healing by the feel of thing's. I am getting support from women's refuge who are great. Im feeling my life is slowly gettin sorted out but my bi polar disorder has started to come on with a vengeance. Im taking medication everyday and painting my heart out but I have the physical symptoms here now completely, shaking violently all the time, insomnia, nausea, hallucinations, so it's like a waiting game until my mind gets away from me and I lose control. My doctor and the refuge are worried and trying to get me help from mental health services but unfortunately they say that until I do become completely manic or psychotic they can't help. I have still not received welfare until an assessment in July which will hopefully end with me gettin what they owe me. Im trying hard but the impact of all this abuse is catching up with me and it's so scary knowing that soon I will lose my mind again and become just another vacant person in a hospital again. I am fighting it, I hate the bi polar. I hate being crazy. I just want me back.

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Heather
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Biggest of biggest of hugs for you. [Frown]

What can we do for you, Ems, during all of this? How can we best support you and help you to get/do what you need to for yourself?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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It just helps to have you here. It helps to be able to talk here without being dismissed as crazy as soon as I try and fail to hold a conversation. One of the issues with the physical symptoms is I almost lose the power to speak because of the shaking and the mess in my head. Im not sure what I need to be honest, I know that's really not helpful. I know I need to get some of the stuff in my head out here. I guess being in a safe living space now has allowed me more time to think about how much abuse there has been. Seventeen years of being raped often and beaten its just screwing with my head. Im not sure I can even stay sane with all of the memories of it etc. I wish I was able to really have that hug today.
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Heather
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I understand.

Are you getting any ongoing -- and let's say, at LEAST once a week -- counseling right now expressly about the abuse?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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I am not eligible for proper counselling until after the assessment in July so until then I am just seeing rape crisis and they are support workers so we don't talk about the real deep counselling type stuff which is what I need. It's just that acc has to fork out the money for more help for me and they are useless. It's really hard right now.
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Heather
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What about any counseling through women's refuge? Is that an option?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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They don't do the counselling just support work unfortunately.
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Heather
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Can we check in in a very real way about where you're really at right now?

I ask because you are expressing:
• being unable to converse with anyone at all
• hallucinations
• violent tremors

..and more.

And all of that says to me that you are already at or past the need for emergency help, Ems. In other words, you say your doctor is waiting until you get to that point, but have you made them aware of all you are stating here? If so, I am very confused as to what they would be waiting for.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Hi again, im still sick, it's hard. The mental health team said that due to limited resources they are only an ambulance at the bottom of the cliff at this stage, not very helpful. Im trying my best to stay well.
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Robin Lee
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HI Nixie,

Sounds like things are really rough for you right now.

Is anyone monitoring your medication? Does limited resources mean that they can't hospitalize you if necessary.

Just want to check in on how safe you are right now.

Is there anything we can do to help you get through this?

--------------------
Robin

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nixieGurl
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Hi all, so I got really unwell. Ended up in hospital for nearly a week from an overdose on my meds which I don't remember taking. I had to leave the safe house because of it as they can't have unwell ppl there. So it's back to street so far for me. I am doing better other than the homeless part of things. The mental health ppl still can't fit me in to see me so im on my own still which is admittedly a bit scary. Im lookin for work still and have so far not had any luck. But fingers crossed for me to find something, then once I have work I will eventually get a place to live. So things are rough. I think being alone is the hardest part. Im just a lonely crazy homeless woman to to the rest of society, and I wish I was not so aware of u!that at times.
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moonlight bouncing off water
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Hi Nixie,

I'm outraged that the safe house would simply kick you out. While I can understand that it needs to be a safe place for everyone, it really isn't safe if they kick you out when you need that support the very most!

When you were in the hospital did they give you any information about resources that you can access now?

Have you spoken to the mental health people or anyone else that you are in contact with about your situation? Do they know that you are currently homeless?

*hugs*

--------------------
~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Redskies
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nixie, that really sucks. The world just really sucks sometimes.

Please know that at least we here know that you're not "just" a crazy homeless woman, but an awesome, strong, caring, crazy homeless woman. (I'm one of those folk who doesn't think "crazy" is an insult, if that statement needs any explanation.) You deserve so, so much better than being so unsupported and homeless, and you deserve so much better medical care than you've had, too.

I'm wishing that you may stay safe and well.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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astrocyte
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Hey nixie, it's really upsetting that all the services are letting you down so hard. You deserve way better help than this. I don't even know what to say - I am struggling with some mental health stuff too, I could so easily be in your situation.

This is kind of a question for the admins as well as for you, because I'm not into breaking the privacy policy etc, but is there anything that I can do for you other than post here - I have family and friends in Wellington and I visit pretty frequently.

(Also, sorry, I'm sure you are familiar with the services in Wellington, but just in case: are you familiar with the free counselling at Evolve youth centre? http://www.evolveyouth.org.nz/page/15/Counselling.boss . They also have a social support team that looks like it might be able to help a bit with dealing with WINZ etc and finding accom).


virtual hugs, hope you are able to stay safe and warm.

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nixieGurl
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Hi there, thanks so much. Well I have a bit of an update to share. I have found a place to live, had a bad start but slowly gettin sorted out. I am in a new relationship which again has its issues which make me feel crazy sometimes. I have gone on the depo shot because my new partner wants me to become pregnant and won't use protection and I don't want that. I know the relationship is far from perfect and need to iron out some problems but right now I actually have so little energy to defend myself all the time I just end up doing whatever he wants, I feel like sometimes im just a body who he owns. I don't love him, but I don't love me either.

I had my huge appointment with acc to determine how much money I get from them as compensation for the abuse I have had. I had to have a five hour appointment with a psychiatrist and talk about every detail, that was last week and I still feel sick. I also discovered that if I don't accept some pretty dramatic treatment right now that im heading towards schizo affective disorder as my bi polar has been out of control lately. So that's scared me. So yeah, im in a strange spot I guess.

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Robin Lee
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HI Nixie,

Very glad to hear you have a place to live.

I suspect you know that what you've mentioned here about your relationship raises some red flags; so my question for you is: What are the positives that you're getting from this relationship right now?

Will you be getting the mental health treatment?

--------------------
Robin

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nixieGurl
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Heya, it's one am here but as usual im awake. Positive things is that he and I are really great when we are just hanging out together, we have fun sometimes, but usually I don't get to chose what we do really which sucks in a way, he can be really good at calming me down when things are just freaking me out. He is there when I don't want to be alone.

I have to start seeing some mental health team care people which I am dreading because I don't trust them as in the past they have tried to trick me and put me in hospital. But I also have to have some support worker come to my house all the time, and an OT and some psychiatrist. Im scared about it to be honest.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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I think that being scared is very legitimate. You have a ton of people that you don't yet know that will suddenly be in your life in what I imagine might be some big ways that you don't appear to have as much say in as you would like. So again, it's very reasonable that you're afraid. But I do think that these people have the potential to help you in some very large ways as well.

Now about your relationship, I agree with Robin that it seems it is likely very clear to you that some of the things you describe in your relationship are red flags, do you agree? If so what things do you see as red flags?

I am glad to hear that you have a place to live and that things are going a bit better.

You deserve to have so much more than you do, and I'm glad that things are starting to improve for you.

--------------------
~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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nixieGurl
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I suppose some of my reluctance to leave my relationship which I totally know has lots of red flags, is that it's nice to be loved. I feel like he really does love me, I feel like someone wants me around and someone finds me sexy when im clearly not. I feel like I owe him something for that. I don't have anyone else. He doesn't care that my meds make me put on weight, or that I completely zone out during sex and must be completely useless in a lot of ways. I feel like he may be the only one who does care. He is Indian and his views and my own are very different in a lot of ways, and that's sometimes where th? Issues arise, but when we are together I feel a little bit like I don't want to throw myself off a bridge just for that small moment .
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Heather
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I'm going to weigh in briefly -- and apologize for a hit and run, because I won't be available for several days after now -- and say what I've said to you earlier.

And that's that my strong sense is that given the timing, and how much of your bare-basics in your life have been and remain precarious, I think ANY sexual/romantic relationship is more likely to derail you than benefit you at this point. And most certainly one where a) there are already some red flags being raised, b) you feel you owe this person something merely for treating you with kindness, c) this is the only relationship you're putting effort into in your life at this time, and d) you're going very fast to the notion of love when this relationship is awfully new for anyone to be there yet. You having sex while dissociating is also something that has me concerned, versus holding off on moving into sex until you've made more progress NOT having that response to it.

Too, if being in this is the lone thing that has you wanting to keep living, you have to know that's awfully emotionally unsafe for you.

Obviously, your choices still get to be your own, and I think you know by now you'll be supported here either way, but I hope you can hear what I've said, know it comes from a place of real concern and observing patterns with you over a very long time now, and just think about it.

[ 08-01-2012, 08:05 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Hey Heather, thanks, I hear what you are saying here, it's just I can't emotionally deal with being alone again and if I don't have sex with him then I will be alone. I would like to be with my friends more but the friends I have up here are not always so easy to get in touch with as many are homeless or in safe houses etc. I would feel better not having sex but im scared to be alone. I don't know how to keep myself sane on my own. He says he can cure me but I don't think he can really. I know I have illness which can't just go away. I feel like the rest of society would rather a crazy person like me didn't exist. I am not sure why my partner does, but I do feel I owe him for that, I am so scared to be alone. I don't know who I could have around if he wasn't. I think I would just lose it completely.
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eryn_smiles
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Hi there, was thinking of you lately and wondering how you're doing. You know what? Whether you're in a relationship or single, you're not alone in the world. There are a lot of people who care about you and it's a shame they don't all live where you live. Take care, hope that things on the mental health front improve. Keep in touch eh?

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Robin Lee
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Hi Nixie,

I'm certainly always willing to give someone (especially someone I don't know) the benefit of the doubt, but I'm getting the sense that this guy might know exactly what to do or say to keep you with him. The fact that he says he wants to cure you tells me that he wants to be the number one, the most important, the only, in your life. This scares me for you.

Have you expressed to him explicitly that you don't want to get pregnant right now, and that this is a tough time and you think it might be an easier time if you weren't sexually active right now? Has he explicitly said that he won't tolerate that?

I think you know that someone who does something you don't want, or wants something for you that you don't want and won't co-operate in making that thing not happen, isn't expressing sincere, authentic love or caring.

I will add too that sometimes survival means making choices in the short-run to benefit oneself in the long-run. This is in relation to what Heather said about how you're working right now to ensure basic survival.


As Heather also said, we all support you know matter what choices you make. If you do decide you don't want to depend on him for your companionship, either completely or partly, we can talk about ways for you to reduce the amount of time you spend alone and find people who value you for you.

--------------------
Robin

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Sans
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Hey, NixieGurl! I echo Robin. This guy sounds to me like someone who is extremely manipulative. I sense, from what I hear of him, that having him around is likely going to be much more detrimental for your health than constructive.

I really hear you on your fear of being alone and of staying mentally stable. And, as a fellow sufferer of mental illness, I often experience the fear of mental instability too. I know that it's an awful, awful fear to have to live with. And I also know that, yes, those who are mentally ill are too often stigmatized in society. But, Nixie, here is one corner of society where we very much support you and WANT to have you around. I, for one, would very much rather you DO exist. I know that there is not much we can do aside from offering words of support and sometimes advice, but you do have us and our UNCONDITIONAL support.

Nixie, you don't owe him anything. As Robin stated, I don't believe that he is expressing authentic love and acceptance for you because he is disregarding your wants and needs.

Lots, lots, LOTS of hugs from me to you. Lots and lots of support from me too, if it makes you feel even marginally better. Hang in there. We're all rooting for you.

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

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nixieGurl
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Hey all, I just read this again and im so grateful for the kindness here.

Im finally back online via my cell which is nice to be able to connect here again.

Life has not been any easier since I was last here. I was raped again and fractured three ribs which had only just healed so I have been really fragile since that. Same man, same old story, he figured out where I shop and my routine again, he watches me which is the scariest part because I never feel safe. It's my own fault though for not having the guts to fix this.

My roommate has been a nightmare and has not paidany rent for two months and because we are both on the lease im being taken to court for her debt of over two thousand dollars. I don't have money for electricity or groceries so I can't pay it but I only have until Tuesday to get it paid as she disappeared and left me responsible.

I am supposed to start therapy too in just over a week but im not feeling very into it. I don't think I can be fixed. My life has and just continues to fall apart and I don't see a way out right now. It's my own fault for all of this so I know complaining won't help. I just had to get it out. I don't have any friends or support right now. The friends I had such as my roommate just used me, stole from me and got me to drive them around and feed their children because they don't.


Im basically just a loser, and it's not likely to change.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Nixie! I was so excited to see you here (before I read your post and saw just how hard a time you're having), it's great to see you again.

You are not a loser and this is not your fault. I am so sorry to read that you were raped again and that you sustained breaks to your ribs again. But it is not your fault. HE tracked you down, HE made the active decision to rape you again and HE is at fault. You aren't at fault for this. You aren't at fault for the way people have treated you in terms of your room mate either.

As per being taken to court about the lease, can you declare bankruptsy? I don't know it works in New Zealand, but I'm pretty sure that over here declaring bankruptsy is pretty much saying that you can't pay it because you have no money and there isn't anything that the people you owe the money can do about it. But I don't actually know for certain, so don't take my word for it.

Have you received medical treatment for your injuries?

What do you need, right now, to be safe?

--------------------
~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Robin Lee
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Nixie,

Moonlight has said everything I was going to say, but I did want to add: it's often more helpful to think of therapy as helping or supporting, rather than fixing. Does that make sense?

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Robin

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nixieGurl
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Hey, thanks, I just get ordered to pay what my roommate owes and that's that really, I can't dispute it, I tried and even saw a lawyer but no luck with that. I shouldn't have assumed that she liked me, I feel really stupid.

I have to see the mental health ppl to start therapy and they have already suggested that I live in some kind of supported living place for people with mental illness because after what's happened they say I can't look after myself, but I refuse, I would rather die than be shoved into that place. I will never go. I don't need them.

Everything just sucks. I just cry out of nowhere all throughout the day. My boyfriend left me because I didn't want to have sex anymore. Im alone.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Hey nixie, I know it's probably not something that you want to hear, but I really think that some form of supported living would benefit you greatly. I'm not sure what the sorts of arangements that can be made over there, but perhaps the people who suggested it can let you know what your options are? I'm not saying that you should be forcibly put into a movie style "put them in, dope them up on meds and throw away the key" Mental Health Ward. I don't think that that would help anybody, but maybe I'm wrong and maybe facilities like that don't really exist, although from my father's stories about his battles with depression and being in the hospital, it does sound like there are facilities like that.

What I picture in my mind, and what I think would really help you, is a voluntary home where you are supported, but where you have the freedom to come and go. Over here there is a home for kids who can't live at home, be they kicked out, run away or whathaveyou. I don't really know how it works, but I know the kids can come and go, that they go to school, that they have a stable environment with consistent rules and that they are safe. I kind on envision something like that for you, only for people with mental health struggles, or for survivors of rape and sexual abuse, or better yet a home for people who fit into both categories.

I don't really know if those kinds of places exist, but if you have some kind of option like that I think you could really benefit. If you don't ask them, you will not know if they exist, but is there a risk if you ask? I think that if you ask and seek out voluntary options that they will be much less likely to have the opinion that you should be in manditory facilities.


I know I've thrown a lot at you, but I have a few questions if you want to answer them. If not, please disregard them.


What have you got left to lose if you seek out help from mental health services? Really, what is there that makes you afraid to do this? (There is no right answer).

What is there in your life that might prevent you from doing what is best for you?

Are you comitted to getting your life in order and having life you deserve? Are you willing to put every fibre of your being into this?


I am not an expert and I don't know any more about what I'm talking about than my common sense (and things I've happened to learn) can tell me, so if there is anything wrong with the way I am phrasing my posts nixie, please tell me.

I also want to second what Robin said about therapy helping, not fixing. (You're not broken, really you're not).

--------------------
~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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nixieGurl
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Thanks moonlight,

The kind of place they are talking about is like you live in a flat on the site of a mental health facility and people come in and out making sure you eat and take meds and basically treat you like a child. They take full control of what your life is. I just can't cope with that, im not stupid and I don't need them telling me when to take a shower. I can look after myself. I don't need their help. And it's the way they talk to me, like your a kindergartner, it makes me feel so stupid and small. I don't trust them or the medication they make me take. I just want to be treated normally like everyone else without bi polar.

I just don't have much hope left. I don't think my life is worth fighting for right now, and being in one of those homes would just be the end in my opinion. No-one would want to see me, I would never have a relationship if they had to come back to a place like that. I would just be a child again, and I hated childhood. It's just another way of abusing vulnerable ppl by locking them away.

I hate myself for so many reasons, I hate how I look and feel.

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eryn_smiles
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Hello again. I'm sad to read about what you've been through lately. Wow, you must be one of the toughest strongest people I've ever met. It's not surprising you're feeling bad about yourself at the moment but I truly believe that life will improve for you.

Re: your living situation. What about being back at a womens refuge safehouse? Can you do that once your bipolar is going ok?

Take care, hang in there xx

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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nixieGurl
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Hey,

just getting up after another night of around an hours sleep, feeling so sick and just so tired. Women's refuge won't take me back as they say that they really liked me being there but because there are no staff at the house (they visit once a week but no-one stays there with us) it's too risky for me to be there unwell. I have kept in touch with my refuge support worker who is nice but she said there is nothing than can do right now other than talk to me about stuff which is hard for me right now.


I feel so alone. I don't know how I got this all so screwed up again. I just always screw it up. I tried really hard in this place, I made it a home and then my friend/roommate just became this person I don't know. I know my screw ups are my own fault and problem and there is not really anything anyone else can do, and I don't expect anyone to, I guess im just here because im so alone, and I trust this place and all of you. I don't want to be a failure my whole life.

Im not saying im going to go off myself or anything, I am just so tired and so screwed up that I just don't know what im supposed to do to change. I know I need to change, I know I need to stop being a victim and that has been my own doing. I just don't know where to start or how to know who to trust in my day to day life. And I want to know why im so hated. I know im a pain in the *** but I do anything for the ppl I care about. I would do anything to make sure they are o.k. But it's just not enough. And it's not enough for me, I can never feel content or safe.

I need to change. It's all down to me and im really scared that I can't do it.

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Heather
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I saw a message from you, Ems, that you were starting with a new therapist this week and feeling good about that.

I may be misunderstanding these posts, but have you started that yet?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Nope not yet, I am supposed to be but they put me off for another couple weeks now til after my mental health appointment with the community mental health team. I was feeling better about having someone to talk to but now no-one wants to touch me til the mental health team say so, it feels like I just get shuffled around a lot because no-one knows what to do with me. It makes me feel a bit hopeless.
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Heather
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I understand.

So, how about this: what you're writing here, about how you know you have to make changes, about how you're feeling, etc? How about you get that all written down as clearly as possible. Really figure out what you want and what you think you need. Really doing that will take some time and care.

Then you can bring that in when you do have that appointment, to lay it all out right from the start.

Because I agree with some of what you're saying here. Obviously, you are not responsible for being assaulted, nor are you responsible for ways the system has failed you.

On the other hand, you know and I know that there's been a pretty longstanding pattern of self-sabotage, too, as well as doing things you know derail you and your life -- sexual relationships when you're not in the space for them and need to focus on yourself, one-sided friendships, moving in with the wrong folks, trusting people with too much too soon, trouble following through with things that would really create positive changes, or at least get you heading there. It's certainly understandable given the total lack of foundation you have to build on that that's been the pattern, but you know you have got to change it in a big way, and ways you really stick with if you want things to change.

I don't think it's sound to consider yourself hated. I don't think with folks like this last boyfriend, the roomate, your cousin, this is about hate. Rather, I think it's about coming into things without any or few of your own limits and boundaries, and setting a precedent of not having them. When we do that, people -- sometimes even decent folks -- will often walk all over us, intentionally and unintentionally. When there aren't any real limits or boundaries, we can't expect people to see them. And when we don't set any limits, or walk into things so emotionally open and hungry, we aren't going to tend to draw the healthiest folks, because to emotionally healthy people, that's not appealing. Know what I mean? To people in a healthy space, "I would do anything for everyone," is a red flag, not a green one.

So, probably not hated. But certainly taken for granted, and I do think that's something you could make a big difference with on your own steam, that IS in your control.

[ 09-01-2012, 07:59 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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