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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » my abuser has hurt two more kids because of me (Page 1)

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Author Topic: my abuser has hurt two more kids because of me
nixieGurl
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Hey, I hope it's ok im back again.

I will try to keep it short here because I have a history of going around in circles at times in my posts.

I was contacted by the police tonight about my abuser, my fathers friend. They are investigating him on two charges of recent abuse of two little girls. I said I will do anything I can to help in court etc. The truth is I was not able to finish my own report with them about him because I was so scared and just couldn't do it. But now he has gone out there and abused these little girls. If I had gone through with it those kids wouldn't have been abused by him. That's the reality of it.

It's all very well for me to help now when it's not about me anymore but he has already hurt these kids. I feel so sick. I feel like I contributed to what has happened to them.

This was the outcome I had dreaded ever hearing for me being a coward and not putting him behind bars myself. God I feel stupid. Everyone warned me if I dropped my case this could happen and I just blocked it out of my mind.

He has hurt two little girls the way he hurt me and I could have stopped that. How can I process this? How can I ever make it up to those kids? I can't take away what I've done and it kills me.

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Redskies
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nixie, just as a starting point, please, please know that you are not responsible for what he did to those other girls. He alone is responsible for that. If he wasn't abusing people, there'd be no need to stop him. It's not your fault. You dropped the case because he hurt you so much, because of the harm he'd done to you.

I think that people, at least here, who encouraged you not to drop the case were thinking only of your well-being. Before we've healed, we're just not responsible for trying to help any other victims/survivors, because we already have too much of a job with our own selves.

I don't think you're a coward. I honestly don't know how anyone might cope with what you were and are trying to cope with. Not being able to cope isn't cowardice.

I hear your pain, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I will also never think that those girls were hurt because of you.

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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nixieGurl
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I know how evil and brutal he is when he does this, I know it better than anyone, and now these two little girls know it too, and I don't know how I could have been so stupid to let that happen. I never should have dropped it. You were all right about that. I just wish I had listened.
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moonlight bouncing off water
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Hey nixie,

I want to second everything that Redskies said. It is no way, shape or form your fault that he abused these girls. It's not 5% your fault, or 2% or 0.0000000000000000000000001%. It is 0% your fault.

He is the one who makes the active decision to be an abuser. He is the one who is as you say "evil and brutal". As Redskies said, if he were not making the decision to be abusive, there would be no need to stop him.

I am so sorry to hear you are hurting like this.

And I will also, never thin that those girls were hurt because of you.

--------------------
~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Robin Lee
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Nixie,

As Redskies said, us encouraging you not to drop it was about you, not about what you could or couldn't do for other people. No one can predict what another person is going to do, so there was no way of knowing what he would do.

I hear your hurt for those girls. You can hurt for them, and understand what they've gone through in a way none of us can, but I hope you can work on putting this sense of guilt away. I know it'll take time. We are never, ever responsible for something that someone else does.

Are you currently receiving any counselling or other mental health services? IN other words, do you have someone you can talk through this with?

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Robin

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Jill2000Plus
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nixieGurl, you really aren't to blame at all, ok?

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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nixieGurl
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Thank you all for the kind words. I am trying to believe it wasn't my fault but in my heart I feel responsible for those little girls. I don't know what to do.

I am an adult and im terrified of him, but thinking about how scared I was when I was little and thinking that's what those kids had to feel too is just haunting me. I really can't forgive myself for that.

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Robin Lee
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What kinds of resources do you have there to cope with this right now?

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Robin

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nixieGurl
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I don't have any right now, just me, im not feeling unwell though so I don't need mental health people involved.
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Heather
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Hey, Emily. I'm not really here today, and I also think it might be sound to see how working with someone who isn't me, on the whole, goes for you instead.

But I just wanted to make a couple quick comments.

1) I know you feel this is your fault, but I think everyone has made clear -- and you rationally know -- it isn't. If anyone knows one person can't control this guy, it's you. You can't control him, and couldn't.

2) I continue to feel certain that you need ongoing mental healthcare and sexual abuse survivor support and care, in-person, and in a very regular, ongoing way. I know one or both of those isn't what you want, but a) it seems to me you keep coming here looking for both those things in a lot of ways, and b) continuing to avoid that suggestion hasn't been working out for you so far. I think you keep feeling and being so stuck because...well, you are. But getting unstuck is going to involve really investing in these kind of ongoing help and care, including when they make you feel uncomfortable.

At the very least, might you follow back up with the rape crisis team you've worked with a little before and see if you can't go spend some time finding out what your options are with this care and then committing to at least SOMETHING in this vein in a serious, ongoing way?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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I did try to get support with mental health care but it's not an option anymore as they are not available to me, I had the assessment but they said I don't need help from them so I can't use those services. Rape crisis has been so useless since the two support workers I had quit working there. I guess they are just so over worked they don't have time to see new people because I have tried to be in contact with them again for months but no success there. Same with the women's refuge service I was using. I am waiting to get acc to fund counselling for ongoing support but they said it may take up to four more months.
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Heather
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And in-patient care is now also unavailable to you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Yup that's the same people I had the assessment with. They decide if you get in or out patient care. I don't qualify for either because I can function in the community. Services are seriously under funded here and very limited so gettin help with that is hard. My gp has tried to get it for me numerous times but no luck for her either.

If it's too much for here though I understand. I just didn't have anyone to talk to about it.

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Heather
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It's not that it's too much for here, it's simply that, over so many years of trying to help you, I think it's very clear that there is very, very little we can do.

To boot, I feel like, in the past, when we have tried very hard to encourage you to do things we knew would help more and that you have had the capacity or ability to do, you've either rejected them out of hand or not followed through. That's not a finger-wag at you, it's just that it makes me feel very lost as to how we can actually help.

I guess I also can't help but wonder -- not questioning your integrity here -- how honest you've been with a lot of these intake folks. Because I'd say you have a pretty long history of clearly being UNable to manage your own life. Know what I mean?

If nothing else, I think making as unrelenting an effort as you can to simply find one person who, in-person, can really explore EVERY possible avenue with you that's available, who is very well-versed in the whole system, and will help you not give up on finding and sticking to what you need is vital.

As an example, what about asking your old lawyer to help get you connected? Surely if anyone understands the magnitude of all you have been through and where that's left you, she does.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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I understand. I can't see my old lawyer because I can't get legal aid unless it's for a case but I can't afford to see her without it. It's ok I will be alright.
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Heather
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I wasn't suggesting you hire or retain her as counsel. I was suggesting her as someone you could call more informally and ask for help or direction with this process.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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She is in Christchurch, so I don't think she could do much about my situation up here. I've contacted every help place in the phone book, mental health and free counselling services, there are none left to contact. I will be ok. I just wanted to talk to someone because I didn't know what to do about this current situation with him. But I will figure it out, I appreciate the help I have had from you all here for all these years.
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Heather
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Okay.

But here's the thing: I assume you come here to get help, right? And to not have to figure it out by yourself?

If so, and we're going to try again, can you make an effort not to reject what we suggest out of hand?

For example, why not just TRY calling her and asking, rather than assuming she can't help?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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I will call her and ask. I don't ignore what you suggest here, it's just that I usually have tried everything and im maybe not very good at explaining that. I usually don't get to talk to anyone all day for most of the time, so im not great at communicating here sometimes. I don't think I need to be locked away in in patient care anyway even though it's not an option. I don't hurt anyone I just keep to myself so I don't think I need to be locked up again.
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Heather
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I understand it has been your experience in the past in how you have felt in in-patient 9and how it can feel), but I wish I could get you to understand my aim when I suggest that isn't about "locking you away."

Rather, it's about getting you access to the kind of care you need in a way where you also don't have to be trying to keep a roof over your head and food in your belly.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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In in patient care here they hurt you and they don't help you. You don't get to wear clothes, you have to wear pajamas all the time. You only get food if they decide you have been well behaved enough. The door is locked on your room which has a wooden bead with one blanket and you are let out into a cage outside once a day. You are not allowed books or music. It's prison. It's not just how I feel about it, everyone is scared of it. I don't want to go back there, it's where he should be instead of me I think.
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Heather
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(Hey, I'm sorry to step back from this/you right now, but I'm realizing I stepped deeper in when I said I was going to let you work with others. I just feel like you and I wind up in the same loop so much, and it's a pattern over so many years, and I don't want anything I'm doing that might encourage that to keep going, because I can't imagine it actually helps you. But of course, I hate to see you suffering and want to help, so sometimes my heart walks over my head in this department.

So, hopefully another vol/staffer will be back around soon, and again, my apologies.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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It's ok I will figure it out. I know it probably feels that way and im sorry. I don't think there really is much anyone can do for me, so I will leave it here. Again, appreciate the help so far, I won't continue to come here and talk about it cause I can see it's more frustrating than anything for you guys. Thanks again for all the help, I do really appreciate it, I guess I just need to do it on my own for now.
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nixieGurl
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It won't let me delete this so if someone could do that that would be cool if it's ok, thanks.
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moonlight bouncing off water
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Hey nixie.

Have you ever heard the story about the man who was trying to get through a brick wall? He kept running at the wall, and running at the wall, but no matter how hard he ran at the wall he could not get through it. He was so focused on getting through the wall by running at it that he did not see that on his left there was a door and on his right there was a window. The moral or the story is that when you're trying to accomplish something and what you're trying isn't working, doing the same thing over and over isn't going to magically help some day, you need to look around and try and find another solution. The solution may not be as simple as a door or a window, but there is a solution.

(I'm not saying that there is some magic solution to the things you're dealing with. If there was I would be the first to tell you. I am saying that you probably need to do things differently)

[ 11-07-2012, 10:03 PM: Message edited by: moonlight bouncing off water ]

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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nixieGurl
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I'll figure it out im sure, thanks.
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Robin Lee
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Hi Nixie,

I apologize for disappearing yesterday.

You mentioned that rape crisis isn't able to help you in-person right now. Many rape crisis organizations have hotlines that one can at least call for support. Does yours have that?

I'm surprised to hear that the people assessing you didn't think you needed anything from them right now. Usually people with diagnosed disorders, which I think you've said you have, are considered in need of ongoing support.

You also mentioned above that you'd be working with the police on this latest case. What will that involve? Can you perhaps talk with them and explain that if you're going to be helping them with this case you need some support, and do they know of any victims' services support you could access?

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Robin

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Robin Lee
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HI Nixie,

I know you've worked with Rape Crisis before. Have you contacted this organization? At the very least, how about calling their crisis line?

Wellington Sexual Abuse Help Foundation
PO Box 111-60, Manner St, Wellington
Crisis Phone: 04 499 7532
Phone: 04 499 7530
E-mail: info@wellingtonhelp.org.nz

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Robin

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nixieGurl
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Hi, first off I want to apologize if I was rude here, it wasn't my intention to be rude, especially to you heather, I know how much you have done for me over the years and I don't take that for granted. I am really sensitive about inpatient care because of how awful it was for me there. I was honest with them about how hard things are for me but they can't help me unless I am really out there terrorizing society, so it's not an option for me to get mental healthcare from the mental health services here. But again I didn't mean to be rude, I just wanted to explain why I find it really hard to talk about that as an option.

I have been to the place you mentioned above robin, they told me to continue to work with rape crisis as usually you work with one or the other. But rape crisis didn't work out after both of the people I saw these quit. I then was shuffled around to whoever was around and it didn't work for me because I didn't really trust anyone as I never saw the same person twice.
So I called the other place back and they said I can see them for acc counselling when my acc assessment is complete (I've had many, this current assessment is because they only give you ten sessions with a counsellor then you get assessed again). So that will be next year.

I see my gp every two months and she has been trying hard to link me in with services too but the services have all said the same thing, im not sick enough.

So anyway, I did think about what Heather was saying here and I need to find a way to deal with things on my own when I need to talk to someone instead of wasting anyone's time here. I really do appreciate the help and time you have given me here, but I do see that I am creating more frustration and annoyance than I am helping myself or anyone else.

Im meeting with the police this afternoon to give evidence in support of the girls as apparently there are a lot of similarities that he did to me and those kids that it could help them out. So I will see about victim support of some sort while there. Im 26 so it's really time I handled this better than I have.

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Heather
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I didn't think you were rude, no worries.

In terms of the in-patent care, I've done a fair bit of research into the mental healthcare system in NZ, mostly because of you, including reading quite a lot from patient/mentally ill advocates. So, I have a pretty good idea of what's okay over there and what's broken.

I don't mean to second-guess you, but what you're reporting is not something I have seen or read in any of that research as being the realities of all in-patient care. If it was, I am SURE advocates would be talking about it, and as well Amnesty would likely be involved as this point since you're reporting real human rights abuses. So, I'm just not sure what to do with some of what you're saying here.

(And if, in fact, those have been your experiences, I'd encourage you to report them TO Amnesty and NZ's mental health advocacy groups, because, as is probably obvious to you, that's HUGE deal stuff and those are systematic abuses.)

How about going BACK to that other org Robin mentions and telling them how rape Crisis is not working for you anymore, so you'd rather work with them? If you haven't already, I'd also point out how hard you're finding it to find services. It might also help with these orgs to get someone like your doctor -- I'd be happy to do it for you, too -- to detail and verify your needs and make clear the system as a whole is not serving you right now, for whatever reasons it is not.

And for sure, I would ask the police about extended victim support: ask to talk top whomever they have acting as a victim advocate in this new case.

If all of that fails, I think it would serve you a lot better to still work with rape crisis despite the pitfalls right now. I think working with something with some challenges -- like having to learn to trust more than one counselor, which is hardly a skill that won't come in handy anyway -- will serve you a lot better than not working with anyone at all.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Hey,

I made a complaint about my experience at the hospital at the time which was ignored, it was of along with five other patients. I know it sounds over the top, but it was really awful in there, im not lying about it, if it was ok there I would be willing to go there but it is a terrifying place. I know it would be hard to believe me over the research, I probably wouldn't believe me either, but im being honest, and I can't really prove it other than my word against theirs I guess. Which is never going to bring about change, after all they can paint me however they like when I was a patient in a crazy hospital, it doesn't leave me with much credibility im sure.

I did go back to the other place but have to wait for acc to fund my counselling there. I will call rape crisis again, I've left messages but no response to those in the last few months. I'll try again though.

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Heather
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Did you direct your complaints to Amnesty International (amnesty.org) AND http://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/page/15-about-us

That's valid, in both cases, even if it's just the one hospital you were at, but if somehow ALL in-patient care in all of NZ is like this and it's not on the radar of any of the mental health advocacy orgs there OR Amnesty, I think we can agree it needs to be ASAP.

(FYI, primarily, this is about the lack of feeding. It's fairly typical in many kinds of residential, crisis or mental in-patient care for things like people not being able to wear their own clothing or street clothing, and having *some* things they have in rooms limited.)

[ 11-08-2012, 04:41 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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I complained through the district health board here, they sent me a pretty nasty letter telling me to leave it alone. I don't want to get involved again with it. I don't want to think back on it or anything about Christchurch. The whole place is just a nightmare to me. I tried my best at the time, but I can't do it right now again.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Personally, I think that directing this to human rights and advocacy orgs would be something positive to do, but obviously that's up to you. However, all I can do is suggest you report this and, if this is NOT something that is country-wide, that you consider it probably is not the situation in all mental healthcare facilities, since over the years, I have strongly felt there have been several times where you truly needed very ongoing care, and they are one option.

But, per usual, these are your choices. So, if you don't want to choose that kind of care, you obviously don't have to.

It's just that something's got to give here at some point, and clearly some things are going to have to be compromised if you don't want 0 options. You've had a lot of reasons for saying no -- and they aren't always the same reasons -- to various suggestions over the years, and again, these are your choices, but it's just hard to know how to respond at a certain point when you continue to ask for help.

I think you know by now we all want to support you, but there's obviously only so much we can do, and I really, really don't want Scarleteen to be more of a crutch for you than a help.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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I don't know if I explained it very well here earlier, but even if I did want that kind of mental healthcare it's not available to me here. I had a huge assessment with mental health services and an Nov eligible for any care from any of their services. It's not just my attitude toward it, I don't have a choice of gettin help from them, I tried but they gave an absolute no, so choice is gone.

I feel a bit like maybe you guys are feeling that I am either lying about my situation or that I have not really tried. I don't mean that in a rude way, or any kind of bad thing about you because I don't have a bad word to say about any of you here or the site and have been very well looked after here for so so long, so please don't take what im saying as a dig of an sort, I just want to know where I stand because I feel like if all I can give is my word that right now im well and clear headed and doing pretty good considering I really an alone in it, then I don't know how I can prove myself in terms of either not being a liar or exaggerating what has happened for me or that I am trying really really hard to keep myself alive and well when pretty much everything is so difficult to get.

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