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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » No Sex is so difficult

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Author Topic: No Sex is so difficult
Member # 97061

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My wife and I have known each other for 15 years and we've been married for 13. We have two children aged 11 and 9. After our children were born, some issues from my wife's past came back to haunt her and she became increasingly withdrawn from sex which had been fantastic and enthusiastic before children. She has been seriously sexually abused/raped in the past.

Although we did have sex, it was only when I pleaded ( about once every month or so ), and as time went on I realised that she simply was not enjoying it. I wanted to know what she wanted to do - but there were no suggestions forthcoming.

To my shame, I went outside the marriage and paid for sex with escorts, and this behaviour was discovered and confessed to. She has already been in counselling to help her deal with the abuse from her past, but I guess it is also now to deal with the betrayal of trust I committed.

We love each other and would like to stay together. Our family unit is strong and it works well, but for my wife - our relationship cannot involve sex. Over 2 years since my infidelity and she still cannot foresee a time in the future when she will desire a sexual relationship of any kind.

I am miserable at the prospect of growing old and dying without ever experiencing real consensual sexual pleasure again.

I am not exaggerating when I say that the longing for sex has become nothing short of obsessive. I cannot get it out of my mind - whilst before, when we enjoyed regular sex - I hardly gave it a second thought... just the occasional satisfied smile.

This obsession is becoming detrimental to my working life and general state of mind. Where can I go with this?

[ 09-05-2012, 09:05 AM: Message edited by: SmartA ]

Posts: 1 | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi SmartA,

The first and best place for you to go at this point is to a counsellor--not because there is something wrong with you but because these are big things to deal with and are best dealt with through professional help. A good therapist can help you work through the changes in your life, and help you figure out what you need in order to enjoy life. Therapists are also particularly skilled at helping with obsessive thoughts.

It sounds as if you and your wife could benefit from some couples' counselling too, both to deal with the past and to learn to communicate with each other about your present feelings and needs.


Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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