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booknerd1111
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i have been abusive to my boyfriend. i have depression and anger issues. i don't know how to get help. i want to kill myself but I'm too scared.
i have a huge problem. the problem is that i don't know how to forgive myself. i honestly feel like there is no way i can live with myself. i feel like i don't deserve happiness. i feel like i don't deserve to be alive. this is what makes me want to die. living is literally agonizing to me. i don't know what to do or how to deal with this.

Posts: 6 | From: OH | Registered: Aug 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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If you are feeling suicidal right now, please reach out for in-person help. Tell a parent or guardian, call a local hotline, or if none of that is available, get to an ER.

Making sure that you are in a safe place and are getting help is the most important step right now, so let's take care of that, first, and then see what else we can do, alright?

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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booknerd: I'm sorry this has been going on and I'm sorry you're feeling like this.

Obviously, this is very serious stuff, and all things that you're going to need quality, qualified help with, ideally ASAP.

Do you have healthcare coverage? If so, are you willing to get yourself the kind of help you need?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Robin Lee
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HI Booknerd1111 and welcome to Scarleteen.

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of really big feelings and worries right now.

What do you think you need in order to make sure that both you and your boyfriend are safe? If you think you're in immediate danger of harming yourself or him, it's important for you to call a crisis hotline or 911 so that people in your immediate surroundings can work to keep you safe.

Here are two toll-free hotline numbers:

1-800-784-2433
1-800-273-8255

What kind of support do you have from friends and family? Is there anyone you can confide in who can help you get the support you need?


There are many ways to get help. Places to reach out for help depend on where you are in your life. Are you in school right now? If so, high school or college? The crisis lines I listed above should also be able to connect you with counselling services in your area.

It sounds like you feel really guilty for having been abusive to your boyfriend. What do you think you need in order to make sure this doesn't happen anymore?

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Robin

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booknerd1111
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I wouldnt put him in danger. I have abused him more along the lines of emotionally. But I can't have mercy on myself.
I have family. They hate him. I feel like I can't talk to them. They don't support therapy. I am old enough to get antidepressants myself. I don't know about therapy. I do have a problem of not being able to drive. I always have to rely on someone else. I am not in school.
I have no idea what to do. I think there's so much of me that needs to be put together. Like all of the parts of myself aren't together. I feel like there's a lot of things that need to be fixed to make me better.
I don't feel like I deserve to feel happy. Like I should feel miserable.

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booknerd1111
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I feel suicidal, but incapable of actually committing suicide.
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Robin Lee
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I hear what you're saying. You'd like things to end, but you have no plan to make them end.

It sounds like you'd like to stop emotionally abusing your boyfriend. Want to talk about that?

You've listed a lot of problems and challenges here. Is there something you'd like to tackle first?

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Robin

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booknerd1111
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I don't know.
I've been mean to him a lot before. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but the guilt is becoming too much for me to deal with. I have slapped him twice, and I didn't think it was a big deal, I thought it was a joke, until he told me it bothered him. When I've hurt his feelings, though, I did know what a big deal it was. I can't remember everything Ive said, but Ive said some mean, mean things. I wish he would leave me. Maybe I would feel better then. At least better about this. My guilt is killing me, and I can't do anything to change the past.

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Robin Lee
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You know...he's not the only one who can leave the relationship. In fact, for your safety and his, right now, it is sound for you to end, or put a pause, on the relationship. Abusive behaviour generally isn't something that goes away without help. I can hear that you care about him, and the most caring thing you can do right now is to protect him from the things that are making you be abusive right now.

[ 08-13-2012, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: Robin Lee ]

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Robin

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booknerd1111
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Thanks for the comments. Maybe some alone time might help a little. I have done a lot of stupid things before.
I used to go to a therapist. It was a terrible experience, she was very negative and didn't seem to like me. She would intimidate me and yell at me. So I am scared to go back. I am also scared to talk about things that bother me. I have asked for help after that experience, and my parents decided they didn't support therapy anymore. I am not sure why. My therapist talked to them separately from me sometime, so maybe she told them something they didn't like. Or maybe they just saw it wasn't working. I was bawling every time and I never felt better. I know therapy hurts, but I didn't trust this therapist, I didn't like her. I don't know what her approach is, but she was always telling me I was selfish, that my life didn't suck as much as her other patients'.
I don't know how I turned out the way I did. I feel like I've always been a "nice" person, soI don't know how I could have turned out to be so mean.
I am an adult, I am not in college at the moment. I can't drive. I am looking fora job but I haven't had luck. I feel like a baby. I also have guilt because I can't do anything, and I am useless, and my parents are supporting me. Feeding me, driving me places, doing things for me. When I feel like I am doing nothing. Most people my age are more independent. It makes me feel worthless. And guilty.

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Robin Lee
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That therapy experience sounds very unpleasant. I'm sorry to hear that it also soured your parents on the idea of therapy. Not all therapists are like that.

I mentioned above that one of the ways you can get help is from a doctor. A doctor can also, if you wanted, talk to your parents about the importance of finding you a therapist. Do you have health care coverage?

As a sexuality and relationship education site, the best way we can serve you right now is to encourage you to get the health care you need.

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Robin

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booknerd1111
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Thank you. Yeah, I am pretty sure I have health care coverage. Thank you.
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Robin Lee
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So, given that you have health coverage, you have access to hospital services as well as a doctor.

If you have a regular doctor you see, you could make an appointment with them. More immediately though, given how depressed you are, and given that you have been abusing someone else (emotional abuse is just as serious as physical!) you can go to the emergency room at a hospital, tell them about your depression and suicidal thoughts, and they can take it from there.

[ 08-13-2012, 12:03 PM: Message edited by: Robin Lee ]

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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