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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Was it ok?

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Author Topic: Was it ok?
ohrelax77
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Last night was my best friend's birthday party, and a guy she likes and has like for awhile came. At some point during the night they disappeared into a tent and "hooked up" by which I mean they kissed and he used his hands to perform sexual acts on her. They were both sober, but many people at the party, myself included, were not remotely. Later on in the night a few people went in the house to sleep, including the birthday girl. Six of us stayed out in the tent, the guy included, who was still sober. He began stroking my legs, I laughed being drunk, and told him he shouldn't do that since he had already been with my best friend. Another boy pulled out a pipe for marijuana, and even though I had already drank more than I usually do, I had some, it was only my second time getting high and it felt very strong to me. I got sleepy and still and layed down in the tent and stared at the ceiling completely zoned out. Suddenly I realized that he was kissing me, and sliding his hand into my pants, at first I didn't stop him, and he may have even thought that I was enjoying it, but when he tried to remove my pants completely I felt more "clear" and pushed him and stumbled into the house. This morning I woke up and told my friend immediately; I had some pain in the vagina and a big question. Because I got myself into a situation like that, and didn't immediately stop him, did this guy do anything wrong?
Posts: 5 | From: MN | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
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What he did was definitely NOT okay because he proceeded to perform actions of a sexual nature on you when you did not, and could not, enthusiastically consent due to being drunk. Sexual consent is defined as an enthusiastic, vocal, "yes". Unvoiced consent does not equal consent. Moreover, when we are drunk, we cannot consent to having sex because we are not in complete control of all of our faculties. So, even if you did consent enthusiastically while in a drunken state, you would've not been in a condition to do so and therefore his actions would've still been, and is, sexual assault. The reason why I'm classifying it as sexual assault is also, in addition to the aforementioned points, due to the fact that he was sober and therefore in control of what he was doing.

No, you did not "get yourself" into a situation like that. It is completely his fault. None, and I repeat NONE, of the responsibility lies with you. Please understand that. There is absolutely no reason for you to blame yourself.

We can talk about the feelings you have surrounding this if you like. Please know that we are here to support you.

-hugs for you if you want them-

[ 08-01-2012, 07:01 PM: Message edited by: Sans ]

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
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I agree with what Sans says above. It's wrong of someone to try to have sexual contact with another person who has consumed mind-altering substances (including alcohol), because that person may not be fully aware of what is going on or able to make the kinds of decisions they would usually make or able to communicate their wishes.

This guy also did something wrong because you'd communicated that he shouldn't touch you, and then he did later anyway. People shouldn't ignore our own wishes about our bodies like that, and it's wrong of them to do so.

It's actually quite rare for someone in your position to be able to stop someone immediately. Often, we can be too shocked or confused.

It's never the responsibility of the person in your position to stop someone. It's always the responsibility of the person in that guy's position to ensure that you are able to consent, and that you Do consent - and it's clear that it must have been obvious that neither of those things were true. So yes, he was wrong.

How can we help you?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ohrelax77
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I really appreciate you both responding so quickly. Luckily for me this guy lives in a different state full time and only comes to mine on his breaks and during the summer. He left yesterday and now I won't have to see him for awhile. I really don't know how to talk about it, but I can't stop replaying it in my head. I've barely eaten since it happened and have pretty much stayed secluded. I go back and forth thinking it's not a big deal, thinking I should just let it go and forgive him, and feeling completely disgusted. Something similar had happened to me before with a different guy and it took awhile to get over, so I hope eventually I'll stop thinking about it.
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Robin Lee
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HI ohrelax77,

It was a betrayal of your trust and an invasion of your body, so it truly is understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed by it right now.

You're welcome to talk about this here as much as you need to. Is there anyone in your life in whom you can confide and from whom you can receive support--someone who isn't his friend, perhaps?

If keeping yourself secluded is what feels right and safe for you right now, by all means do that. It can also help to reach out to someone else. Anything that feels right for you right now is perfectly okay.

How can we best support you through this?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
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I echo Robin. It's completely understandable that you would be feeling overwhelmed. You have every right to feel what you are feeling.

We're here for you if you would like to talk and for support. It's alright to do what feels safe and comfortable for you. I know that you're having a difficult time in terms of processing what happened.

Lots of support and best wishes coming from me.

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"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
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I too echo Robin.

What this guy did was not okay. No one expects you to "get over it" or to stop thinking about it. I know that personally, whenever something bad happens to me, I think to myslef "well other people have had it worse, this is minor compared to what others have experienced, this is barely even real". When I read you expecting that you will stop thinking about this and that the simular incident in your past shouldn't be bugging you, it seems to come from a simular thought process as the one I described above: is this correct? Know that you have every right to take as much time to heal from this as you need. Know that every single thing that happens in our lives shapes our perspective on the world, some things quite a bit and others almost imperceptibly.

What can we do right now to help and support you? Would you like links to some helpful information, would you simply like to talk?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ohrelax77
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It really helps to have an outlet to talk about it, and I would appreciate the links moonlight referred to if that's possible. The only person I really want to talk to about is my best friend, who is not a friend of his, but she has never consumed alcohol or drugs of any kind and believes that most of intoxicated peoples antics they "fake". I told her right after it happened but I was still too out of it to go into detail, and I fear that if I tried to now she would still think that I was partially to blame and that I shouldn't be so upset.

Moonlight--- yes I do think that that's the way I've handled basically every kind of problem in my life. I was in therapy for awhile and my doctor helped me put things in a better perspective; I've been attempting to get into see her but now apparently I will have to wait 8 weeks.

Posts: 5 | From: MN | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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