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Author Topic: need people to talk to
fiveanddime
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I was in an abusive relationship a while ago where the guy abandoned me emotionally and physically. It was my first "real" relationship, so the experience had a huge impact on me even though I've been out of the relationship for several years. For various reasons in the past few weeks I've started to experience PTSD I didn't have the first time.

In addition, my current boyfriend is dealing with a lot of things right now, meaning that he can't be physically present for me as much as he would like, his libido is low, etc. He's been great, but because of these circumstances beyond my control, his absence is making me feel abandoned all over again. I've talked to him about this, and he understands and tries his hardest to make things work, but it's still scary.

I'vm in therapy, and it helps. However, I was wondering whether anyone else has gone through something similar. I'm feeling kind of alone and would love support.

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Saffron Raymie
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Welcome to Scarleteen, fiveanddime.

To help me get a clearer picture of what you've experienced, would you like to say a little more about being abandoned emotionally and physically? Are you perhaps saying that this person withheld affection and intimacy from you, to hurt you?

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fiveanddime
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Thanks, Saffron.

Yes, exactly. It was partly withholding affection and intimacy to hurt me, but also because he didn't understand what what he was doing wasn't okay and then got mad at me when I tried to explain that I was unhappy/uncomfortable.

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Robin Lee
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It sounds like the relationship now meets your emotional needs, but because your boyfriend isn't able to be as physically present for you, you're feeling again that sense of not having what you need. Your practical mind tells you that this is not because your boyfriend doesn't care but because of his stuff, but your emotions aren't catching up so well.

I'm wondering, when you say that he can't be as physically present as you'd like, do you mean that the two of you don't see each other as often, or that you're not being as physical with each other?

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Robin

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fiveanddime
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Exactly. My current relationship is emotionally satisfying, but the circumstances are taking a toll on me, especially that all this old stuff is resurfacing.

Re: physical presence. It's both. I just saw him and we talked about the time together. He's really upset that he's got so much stuff going on right now and thinks it will be better in a few weeks. I think I'm okay with that, but we have to wait and see what happens. I'm honestly feeling that my emotional needs take precedence over my physical (intimate) ones right now, but it's all confusing for me.

I want to stop getting the two guys mixed up in my head. It's so easy to associate their behaviors, even though I know that it's not like that at all.

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Saffron Raymie
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Healing is a journey that takes a lot of time, effort and care. It's not such a great idea when we put any pressure on ourselves to heal from abuse more quickly than we are. I understand how hard that is, when we want to heal as soon as possible, and I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this. Romantic relationships are always incredibly difficult after we've experienced abuse in a previous romantic relationship.

Have you had a talk with your partner, where you've told him that it's not his behaviour which is causing problems, it's just something that's very difficult in your healing process?

[ 03-04-2012, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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fiveanddime
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Yes, I talked to him about that, and he understands.

I'm frustrated because the abuse was several years ago and I didn't experience much trauma until now (for certains reasons I had to confront exactly what happened). I understand romantic relationships can be hard after abuse, but I've been with my current boyfriend for a long time, and I hadn't been so upset until the trauma started up.

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Saffron Raymie
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It's extremely common to repress trauma until we feel better equipped to deal with it. Many abuse survivors repress traumatic memories and only work through them years later.

If you'd like a personal story; it took me four years after to even realise I'd been abused, let alone start to deal with that and begin my healing. I know how wretched that is, and makes us feel, so I'm so sorry you're in this place, fiveanddime.

How is your therapy going now? Have you discussed repression?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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fiveanddime
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Thanks for sharing, Ray. I really appreciate knowing that I'm not alone, and I hope you're doing better now, too.

Therapy is okay, but I've been seeing my therapist for a lot of different things, so we haven't spent all of our time talking about this. I haven't considered repression, maybe because I have very clear memories of the entire relationship. Perhaps, though, I've forgotten how some of the events made me feel...

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fiveanddime
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I've noticed that when I hang out with him (which has been rare the past few weeks), I've not been especially "turned on." We haven't done a lot of stuff, but even when making out I'm not as into it as I usually am.

I'm scared that this means I'm not interested in him anymore, but I'm also wondering... could that be due to this trauma/anxiety surrounding my ex?

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Karybu
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It absolutely could be, and it doesn't mean that you're not interested in your partner any more. A lot of things can affect libido, and it increases and decreases entirely on its own sometimes too, so it's not really something to be concerned about.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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