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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Would you consider this rape?

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Author Topic: Would you consider this rape?
Star Burton
Neophyte
Member # 94519

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About a year ago, I had vaginal sex with a guy who was much more experienced than I. He had been my first everything else, and a part of me felt obligated to have my first sex with him as well. I said yes when the idea was proposed, but there was hardly any foreplay, and I hurt. I was so tight that he had to force himself in, and I ripped and bleed afterward. I felt no pleasure, and occasionally said to slow down or stop, but he would gently say "It's okay" and resume after a short break. It wasn't like he was trying to rape me; he wanted me to feel the pleasure of sex, and was under the impression that the first time would ALWAYS hurt for the girl (but I don't doubt he wanted the sex as well). Neither of us finished, and I left feeling dirty. But I still consider myself a virgin, because A) I couldn't even feel him inside me, and B) there was no bond made. It was just straight up f-wording (I can't think of a more correct way to discribe it). This guy is a very complicated guy, who communicated mainly through touch; to the point that sex was just something he did when he was close to someone. It was just the natural next step for him. I don't say he intentionally raped me, because I did say yes, and I have no intention of reporting him (not like there's any evidence left anyhow).
I did take a good thing away from this; I realized I care too much about not disappointing my Christian parents (I'm atheist myself) to truly enjoy premarital sex. Sucks, because I can't even get off on masturbation.

Anyhow, the whole point of this is one thing: would you consider what happened to me rape?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Rape or sexual assault is most broadly defined as sexual activity without consent or without full consent.

Am I understanding here that you asked this person to stop at one point -- or, from the sounds of things, more than once -- and they refused to?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Star Burton
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They would stop, and then continue when I had calmed down.
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Heather
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Calmed down meaning stopped asking them to stop and become silent and passive? Or calmed down meaning you either invited them to continue or became positively responsive when they did?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Star Burton
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The first, but I would make sounds of pain.
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Heather
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Like, "Ow!" or "Oh that hurts?"

I don't mean to pick nits here, but the trouble is that sounds of pleasure and sounds of pain, when they're not words, can sound very similar, especially if the other person doesn't know the difference between our "Oh" that means oh, yes, and the one that means, ouch, no. It's also tough if we're talking about a relationship where there was little to no verbal communication, and that was something you were okay with and accepted, including sexually, which can set a precedent.

Really, though, since we're getting down to such specifics here, what you'll most likely need to do is to consult your own gut feelings here about if this was assault or not.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Star Burton
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Both.

I feel it was... but I told his yes. So I don't blame him, but he knows I didn't like it.

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Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Hi Star Burton; when you asked him to stop, did you mean stop for a break or stop completely? What exactly did you say? Did he just stop moving, or pull out when you said stop?

Silence after someone's asked us to stop isn't consent to start again.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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