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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » I don't know what to think, please help me

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Author Topic: I don't know what to think, please help me
Diamond114
Neophyte
Member # 95059

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So I dated this guy once, we'll call him Jamie.
My mum hated Jamie, she said I changed after I'd been with him. He used to invite me back to his place to spend the night, and we'd always have sex. We would sometimes drink together, he'd get drunk but I don't really drink that much so I'd try and drink really slowly because he kept making me drink more each time I finished but I didn't want to get drunk and he'd always try and make me smoke weed but I said no. I don't even know how we started having sex the first time, I just remember feeling empty afterwards. We'd always sleep next to eachother but he would push me away.
I never said yes to him, but only said no once. I always thought no.
When I said no to him he laughed and said I was lucky to have anyone, then would touch me until I was 'ready' to have sex with him.
I did like him but soon it was all consuming. I argued with my parents and spent all my time there. Each time knowing I'd just have to have sex, but I never said no after that one time, so I don't think it's rape, is it?

It's strange really, sometimes I feel sick and cry and want to kill myself, or him, or both. But most of the time, like now, I'm just...numb? I have no emotion. I can't have any emotion towards it or I'd barely function.

It's been two years now, and I have a boyfriend who is amazing. I've told him what happened, but he finds it very difficult to listen to or understand. We have just had a fight because I'm down right now, and when I feel numb I'm numb about everything, including him. I'm in recovery for bulimia too and times like now I just want to binge/purge but I've promised my boyfriend I won't but it's all consuming. All I can think about is purging all I've eaten today. I don't really know what the trigger has been but I can't do it anymore, I just can't, sometimes it hurts so bad that it actually physically hurts and I don't know why. I try to ignore it but sometimes I think too much and my heart starts racing and I feel hot and sick and dizzy and it's all I can do not to cry or relapse in to my old bulimic ways. I feel like it now but how do you explain it to someone who thinks the world of you...who thinks you're perfect and you actually have to try and explain that you're fucked up but you can't actually explain why. It's not fair because he gets frustrated and doesn't know what to do or why I'm like this. And neither do I.

Anyone? Please help?

Posts: 4 | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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Your description of your ex-boyfriend's behaviour shows how coercive and manipulative he really was. There's a lot more to consensual sexual activity than just not saying "no", and you were not given the option of doing what you wanted...even the repeated pressure to smoke weed when you expressed your desire not to is a red flag.

I am glad to hear you are away from and safe from him.

I also hear that you're struggling a lot.

Are you in any sort of counselling? Getting some professional support with this would be a really good idea. I hear you saying that your boyfriend is a big support to you, but you don't know how to explain things to him so he can support you more.

It's really great to get support from loved ones, but one person cannot be all your support. In addition to seeking out a therapist or group counselling, do you have any friends you who know about this, or with whom you can talk openly? Anyone who can be a present support for you now as you work not to slip into bulimic patterns? Are there other strategies you've developed for distracting yourself when you feel the need to purge.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Diamond114
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I have tried counselling but I didn't find them helpful, they wanted to talk about my parents but I didn't see why that mattered and I got cross when they seemed like they were blaming my parents for my mistakes.

I have friends but none who I feel I can go to, they knew what happened at the time, but it feels silly it still affecting me two years later, I don't want to burden them really.

There's a couple of things I do about the eating; firstly I can't deal with the disappointment my boyfriend feels when I slip back to how I was, he's just too good to me so I can't let him down. I don't keep any food in the house apart from what I use to cook meals so that makes things difficult because if I feel the need, I'd have to actually cook a whole meal for myself from scratch (sounds silly I know). Failing all of that I just walk or drive for miles, nothing on me but my phone and cigarettes, so I can't even buy food.

This is a strange feeling, it's like I'm stuck in a dark place with no way of knowing how to get out.

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naplement
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The thing is, in counseling the idea is not to "blame" your parents, but to understand where you are coming from, what are your basic beliefs about yourself, how they have been developed during your life, and if they need to be changed (if they are too negative). I do believe you that the certain counselor you have been talking about wasn't the perfect one for you, but as a general method, it's not about blaming, but causation - it is possible to people to repeat the same, unhealthy pattern from generation to generation, without anyone knowing any better, because to change a behavior, you need to have an alternative ready. People do what they know to do, and in therapy, the idea is not to blame them, but to understand.

On the other hand, if there is any anger in you towards them, just like you have an anger towards your abusive ex-boyfriend which sometimes gets visible from under the numbness (and whch is a good thing!), then part of the process is to get it out the open and process it. But it is no goal to create it, as far as I know.

You sound like you are blaming yourself for all this, but please don't do it, no-one willingly chooses to be bulimic or to get abused, it's, in the second case, the decision of the abuser, and in the first case, the result from circumstances. It is possible to look at these things neutrally and trying to change them, instead of getting stuck in distributing the blame.

You sound like you are not liking yourself too much, I am sorry about that, and I do hope that you find some counselor you are compatible with.

You don't "deserve" to suffer. Please, don't believe so. < [Frown]

Posts: 124 | From: hungary | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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