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Author Topic: i feel like im making all the wrong decisions
struggling
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so its been just coming up on three months since i last had a problem i felt was too big for me to handle on my own.Everything was going so well... "was" at least. Yesterday i feel like i made a mistake. I had intercourse. Now i dont know how to say this right but i dont feel like i made a mistake in doing so and loosing my virginity. But the events leading up to the occasion feel wrong. i guess i dont regret him as in the person but how it happened. does that make any sense. This does have something to do with the abuse section just one moment... umm MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS.

i apologize for going into storytelling mode. im sorta working out all my thoughts while writing this.

The previous night before i went to his house he had asked me if i would want to have sex the next day. i told him no and explained why. He's already heard my reservations, we'd talked about my past with abuse, and so far at least has respected my boundries for the most part. The next day we were laying in bed earlier in the day and things were well... progressing. when he asked me again. I told him again how i felt about it all. how i wanted to but wasnt ready yet.a few minutes later he whispers "It would be so easy just to go ahead and take you right here and deal with the consequences later."

I immidiately froze. this wasnt the first time he'd said something along those lines. I told him he wouldnt, he promised. he shook his head and suddenly flipped me on top of him went to go ahead. i started to shake and told him again to stop. "you cant. you cant be like everyone else."He stopped then but i completely shut down...i couldnt stop shaking i hadnt had an attack in months.

I started telling him about stuff i had wanted to keep in the dark. i thought that because i was dealing with the most recent abuse that i would be okay that i could be content in ignoring the rest. i wasnt honest. once when i was little my grandmother thought i was being abused and took me to the gyno. I didnt have the choice on if i wanted to. i cried through the check up he gave me while she held me down. the second time was when i was older...she was my best friend and three years olders.i was 9.

after the episode i felt horrible. he wouldnt stop apologizing and it made me feel worse for how i acted and at some point i just decided i wanted it over with. i just gave up. all the convictions i had flew out the window i didnt want to think about it i didnt want to push him away anymore and i didnt want to decide. so i made the stupid decision to tell him all this. that i was copping out. so i said at this point im fine im fine just you decide. if you want to then go ahead and if you dont then oh well i just dont want to have to think anymore...

i really feel like i pushed him to do it. im not mad or angry with him. just at myself for giving up. we left his grandparents walked around a bit and he led me to his place where he lived by himself until this year. they never sold it for back up reasons. there was 3 minutes of foreplay maybe 10 of painful sex he got up asked me to put my clothes on and all i felt was dazed that it went so fast and relieved it was over... i asked him to give me a minute. we got up and walked to his house. to where i continued to tell him i was okay. and the rest of the night worried about my birth control working and the condom being fine. and the next morning consoling my friend who just found out she is pregnant amd scared to death myself. and my boyfriend decided to stay home to help out his grandparents...

[ 01-04-2012, 12:30 AM: Message edited by: struggling ]

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struggling
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in all honesty i dont know why im posting this... i just feel like i need to tell someone whats been happenin and where im really stuck at. i dont like the place im in when it comes to this. im tried of feeling depressed of making him feel like hee has to apologize and of feeling like i cant do anything right. i dont know what im doing anymore.... and I cant... I don't know

[ 01-04-2012, 12:29 AM: Message edited by: struggling ]

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Kachina
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Hi struggling, I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you! This does not sound like consensual sex at all. I am horrified at what he said to you ("It would be so easy just to go ahead and take you right here and deal with the consequences later") and then that he then assaulted you while you were clearly not wanting it and in PAIN! I don't honestly think this person is safe for you to be around, do you think you can not be alone with this person anymore, at least while we work this out?

You freaking out after what he said to you is so understandable, I think most people would freak out if their partners said something like that. You have no reason to feel sorry or guilty for how you reacted. And none of this is your fault.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this in person to get some support? Can you go to a school counselor? I really think you need some help to heal from this kind of trauma.

Check out these links as well:
Dealing With Rape
Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?

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~Kat
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Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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struggling
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But I didnt say no the second time? I made this decision in my head somehow that by leaving it up to him i could distance myself from it like a coward. And the entire time there on I coerced him instead is what it seems like. By telling him I was okay, by not saying no, i didnt push this time, i just went on auto pilot and acted like everything was fine and dandy... He even asked me beforehand. and during if i was okay and wanted to stop. I just kept saying i was alright. And its not alright for me to act like that. i pushed him... i did the same thing i hated for people to do like such a hypocrite...

I dont think I could stay away and avoid him... but he's not gonna be here (the house) for a while. At school we dont have all that much time alone and when he came back today i felt so much better just to have him there.... I know this is bad that its not healthy but i cant stand to think of loosing him. It's been 10 months since we started dating and even before that he was my best friend... he stuck by me through my ex's abuse and was there when my dad was diagnosed terminal when i was depressed and panic attacks he'd pull me out of it i've told him everything....

and at the same time i find myself scared of how dependant i am for his support. we both have had past issues with abuse and depression and have really relied on each other over the years; my emotional abuse from my real father and sexual abuse otherwise. him with physical abuse from his father and abandonment. i can honestly say if it werent for him i wouldnt be alive today... i dont understand what i did for things to turn out this way. he's been my only constant through all this stuff thats been happening....

and on another end i dont feel like i deserve him. i cant deny that any other guy who had to deal with a person with as many mine at my age would have been long gone by now. i dont think anyone else would stick around for where me and my family are headed with my step dads disease. or help me when i get hurt as often as i do or come and take care of me when im sick like he tries to... my immune systems been really failing me recently. especially with my lil bro and sis just starting school. flu and pnumonia back to back.... third time for pnumonia maybe fourth in the last year....

[ 01-04-2012, 08:37 PM: Message edited by: struggling ]

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Robin Lee
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Struggling, you didn't push him into this. YOu told him you couldn't think anymore, after telling him about some horrific things that had happened to you. The responsible thing, the caring thing, for him to have done would have ben to take care of you and your needs, not continue with what he wanted to do.

You didn't do anything that caused things to turn out this way.

One thing I'm wondering is if there is a way for you to get some support that doesn't have anything to do with him, perhaps acounsellor, or a support group, or even just from other friends. How does the idea of looking for outside support sound to you?

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Robin

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Kachina
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Consent is not not saying no, it's saying YES. Leaving it to him is NOT consenting. Not pushing him to stop, being on auto pilot is NOT consent. Lying there and not actively participating while someone is doing things to you that HURT is NOT consent. Giving in after threats to rape you is not consent.

Especially after him giving you that veiled threat beforehand, which just triggered you into a different state of mind about him. It almost seems like you would rather have had him do this to you when you weren't saying no (rather than him physically forcing you and possible hurting you more) so you could feel as though he wasn't like other abusers, so you told him the decision was on him. Even just telling him that should have been a pretty clear signal to him to NOT do anything. Consensual sex is never a decision made by one person, ALL partners have to decide on it.

Also, if you were in PAIN don't you think he could have noticed that and stopped? And only a little bit of any sex you might enjoy (what you are calling foreplay) sounds like he wasn't very interested in making sure you were enjoying yourself.

I don't think YOU did anything for this to turn out this way. He threatened you with rape and you were highly triggered and then did what likely felt like the safest response. This is not something you caused. Do you think part of you realized he potentially WAS an abuser when he threatened you? And can you see why that threat could make you go on "auto-pilot" for your safety, and "agree" to sex rather than being physically forced? Also I think you want to think of him as NOT an abuser, which might be hard to deny if he physically forced you, but now that you feel you "consented" you can think of him as not an abuser, do you know what I mean?

Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent

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~Kat
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Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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struggling
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i would i could haha i hate that saying sometimes cause it really applies to so much. i dont have the money or the insurence for a councelour and if i went to a support group... i dont know if i could. ive only just started coming out with all the stuff that happened with my ex... no one ever knew about what happened when i was nine. till now. no one. as for friends i told my one really good girl friend i have what actually went on. she doesnt view it as abuse only as a bad decision. she didnt view what went on with my ex as abuse either. i've talked with my guidance councelor about stuff at home but i could never tell her the worst of it. she'd call my mom. and that would be the worst thing that could happen next to being pregnant.... i just feel stuck.

i know i need to talk to my doctor about a check up since i started having sex but my mother always makes sure to come in the room with me. she feels like theres nothing i could say to her that she's not obligated to hear. if i told her i wanted to talk with mrs. p alone she'd know... after her reaction to my ex (i got in trouble-see previous post) and her comments about sex even with her telling me to talk to her about this stuff she scares me. that and i feel like i let everyone down by not sticking to saying no i like i was. like im a liar....

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Kachina
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Would you be able to make a doctor's appointment on your own and get there on your own without your mother? Then she wouldn't come in. You also can ask your doctor to not allow your mother in, you have the right to privacy with your doctor.

As to support, there is free support available at places and I highly recommend using it. I'm sorry your friend does not view what happened here or previously as abuse. [Frown] Support from someone who believes you is always beneficial. Can you call this hotline? They can help you find in-person support.

1-800-656-HOPE

They also have an online hotline: http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/

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~Kat
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Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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Robin Lee
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There are a lot of ways to say no. You said no in every way that you knew how, until you got worn down. With everything you've been through, that's really understandable. and I know this may be hard to hear, but your boyfriend may well have known how he could take advantage of the situation.

You are allowed to see your doctor alone, but from what you describe that could be easier said than done.

It would be good for us to brainstorm some ways you can findsupport.

Also, getting back to your boyfriend, do you feel safe to be with him now?

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Robin

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struggling
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to kat- i can see what you mean but i dont know what to believe. no im gonna be honest... i dont want to think of him as an abuser... and he did notice i was in pain. i told him. and he asked if i wanted to stop and i said no its okay just go slower. shouldnt i take any responsibility? last time he said something remotely like that was when when he told me how hard it was to stop himself when we almost had sex a few months back. but when i told him i didnt want to and was admant about no he stopped what he was doing... im having a hard time wrapping my head around not being guilty for anything... i had a hard time with this last time too when i was coping over my ex. which happened back in 2010. i dont know hwo to look at him as an abuser when he's done nothing but look out for me before this when it comes to everything besides sex. he's not like the abusers who forced me, dragged my arm or held me down, or like my moms previous abusers who hit her or my dad who used mind games and words.... i dont know how to classify him in my head ( i have a problem labeling my relationships with people...) the only this i know is how much i feel like i love him. and how much im hurting on the inside.


question. isnt supposed to hurt the first time? like the entire time like that? i keep being told its normal. only one person mentioned maybe he was moving too fast.... but my legs hurt and and im a lil sore. the other problems are from the stress....

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Kachina
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No, it is not supposed to hurt.

And he may not be like the other abusers but there are many kinds of abusers. He still took advantage of you, and hurt you. You say he's looked out for you when it comes to everything besides sex, but sex is an important part of ourselves to be safe as well! Sexual abuse like this is still abuse, even if it's not the same as other abuse you have experienced.

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~Kat
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Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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Kachina
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Sex that people are ready for, when they are fully aroused and using enough lube, and being gentle enough, will not hurt, whether it's the 1st time or the 100th. Pain is a sign of something not being right, like not being aroused, being scared, being nervous, etc.

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~Kat
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Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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struggling
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yes... i must be crazy but i do. i was on edge the entire time he wasnt at school the other day and when he came back it was like a sense of relief. he's not acting any differently but i feel like he knows i am. when im stressed or panicing i space out alot. he asked me today if i was alright, i seem a lil distant. and when he found out i was hurting he profusely apologizing. the only thing i feel if anything is different when he compliments me or brings it up. i dont know how to react i dont regret it being him i decided if it was anyone i wanted it to be him a long time ago... but now instead when he compliments me i worry its cause of what happened and him being worried. he told me that night that he felt like he made the wrong decision and wanted to make sure i was okay with everything. i dont have the heart to tell him im not
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Robin Lee
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I hear you saying a lot of things about what is good for him, but not a lot about what would be good for you.

It's been a very long day for me and I'm about to shut down the computer for the evening. There will likely be other people around later if you want to keep talking. You also have the hotline that Kat gave you if you feel like you need to talk to someone.

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Robin

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struggling
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im sorry kat i cant make the appointment without her. i cant even drive. i passed drivers ed but i never got enough full speed experience for the real test. and my doc is an hour and a half away in gainsville. i also go to school out of district and all my friends live at least an hour away from me. very few drive or would even take me two hours out. my step dad cant teach me to drive cause he's lost the mobility of his fingers and in his reaction time and both our vehicles cant afford to be damaged... im sorry this must sound as if an excuse after an excuse... things are really bad though. my teachers driving me to school now...and mom wont let me work cause im in honors and take care of the house and kids while they work or have doctors appointments...

i might try the hotline... i've seen it before... im scared to talk to someone out loud. maybe one day when no ones home...

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Kachina
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Why should you take responsibility for him assaulting you? It was his decision to make. If he is apologizing now and saying he made the wrong decision then I think he knows you were not actually consenting and that he DID make the wrong decision.

I really need to make dinner now, but please call the RAINN hotline so they can help you find some in person support. I really think you could use it.

I know you say you feel safe with him, but I am worried about you. I would feel better if you didn't spend any time alone with him.

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~Kat
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Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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Kachina
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Try their online hotline, then no one can hear you and they can help you find some support in your area. They can at least offer support while we are gone here.

http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/

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~Kat
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Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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struggling
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thank you robin. its a bad habit of mind sorry i do that with just about everyone. been working on breaking it. its alot better then it use to be... thats one peice of advice my guidance councelor has helped me with. take things one day at a time and worry about what you can control in life and not what you cant... i really appriciate you posting a reply though.
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struggling
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okay kat... im going to try it... thank you for replying too. i mean it. when i saw your first reply while i have to admit lol some things are hard to accept i was really happy. was checking for updates all day. thank you
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Karybu
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Hey, struggling, just want to check in with you - did you try the online hotline? I'm heading to bed shortly but just wanted to know how you're doing, and to remind you that we're all on your side here.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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struggling
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Sorry about the double post earlier i dont know how to delete it. Umm the lady i was beggining to talk to ended the convo when i asked about their privacy policy. It says that if they find you are underage and or depressed they must disclose information to the athorities. I dont want to get anyone in trouble. I wanted to know what age was underage when it came to this policy as some states say 16-18 while others say 18 and up..... Im sorry....
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struggling
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Thank you Karybu <3
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Karybu
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You're welcome. I'm so sorry the hotline didn't go well; I'm heading to bed now, but there's another volunteer online who can keep talking to you for awhile if you like, and plenty of people will be around tomorrow. Hang in there.

(Don't worry about the double post, it happens, no big deal and I'll delete the duplicate for you.)

[ 01-04-2012, 11:00 PM: Message edited by: Karybu ]

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Stephanie_1
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Struggling, can you tell me what state you live in? I can give you some information on AOC laws in your state. Also, now sure how long I'll be around (it's midnight here) but wanted to check in with you and see how you're doing?

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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struggling
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I think i might try to sleep. School without it isnt the best thing. But ive been having trouble. I'd like to keep talking... Its been helping me stay a little more calm than i would be. I'm fine when i get to school if not a little spacey. But as soon as i get alone and start thinking it gets bad....

Do you guys have any tricks or methods of helping you calm down? Someone once told me to tap my colarbone...

Thank you again for your support

To Stephanie - i live in florida.

[ 01-04-2012, 11:09 PM: Message edited by: struggling ]

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Stephanie_1
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Okay, so age of consent in Florida is 18- but there's a close in age exemption (the exception permits a person 23 years of age or younger to engage in legal sexual activity with a minor aged 16 or 17.) However, we're also not really talking about consent here. Did they ask your age when you contacted them?

Per sleeping, one of the best things to do is generally to try and relax your whole mind and body. You can do this by trying exercises where you tighten muscles starting with your neck, then letting them relax moving all the way down your body until you're fully relaxed. Or you can try other things like taking a nice warm bath, listening to soft music, etc.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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struggling
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No they didnt... But i was worried about saying too much and getting into a whole other mess. I wanted to be sure of the rules... She kept asking me if i understood terms and conditions and if i had any privacy questions.

I might try the music... Can i ask you somethings and can you be completely blunt with me? Is there any way to salvage this somehow? What do you think will happen if i do stay with him...? Like do you think he'll become worse... Does it becomes any easier after a while, feeling like this and trusting people? If he used a condom but my birth control doesnt kick in till next week- what are the chances of pregnancy? What are the chances of precum and pregnancy?....

Sorry for all these questions. I just feel scared... And finding out my friend is pregnant the day after made me really think about what would happen if it was me... I dont know if i could handle it....

[ 01-04-2012, 11:39 PM: Message edited by: struggling ]

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Stephanie_1
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I think first and foremost is to really evaluate how you're feeling right now per this relationship. Between what he's said and how he's acted. Also, given how much you're feeling right now that it's enough you're having trouble focusing and sleeping. Those are all not good indicators of healthy relationships. See what I mean? A lot of times it comes down to doing what you're mind and body are telling you when you are afraid to listen to your heart. I can say that he didn't act in your best interest, and he wasn't taking care of you in this. And there's a very real chance for any type of abuse to get worse over time.

As for if it becomes easier to trust people, it's something that takes some work and some time. But you can certainly work on trusting people again - and we'll help you in any way that we can.

If he used a condom for all genital contact and it didn't break or slip off then you don't really need to be worried there.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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struggling
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I was feeling pretty great before all this... was even thinking on my own maybe i was ready to go ahead of have sex if everything felt right at the time and i was on schedual with my birth control.Now i feel like i should be upset like how could he go ahead and decide it was okay after we just had a conversation about something so serious. and yet at the same time i feel like by giving him that choice i opened myself up for the sitution to happen.

we talked a little today just about everything going on. not about monday but the rest of it. he keeps asking me if i'm okay. I wanna say "no" and yes all at once. if someone does something wrong and they regret it, does this still make him a bad person. if he knows without me telling him things were bad and recognizes that it makes it harder for me NOT to forgive him. It feels like"It happenedall thats left to do it deal with it"

i'm not even sure if my sickness with everything is from a place ofviolation or rather from my own internal guilt. last time i was in a relationship and my mom found out my ex and i were having non intercourse sex i was severely punished for one, not telling her and for lying and saying i wasnt. but also for even doing so. The lying i can understand but when i told her about the situation later on months later she felt i was painting the ex to be an abuser on purpose to make myself look better and that what i was telling her wasnt anything but me being unable to say no.

This time it was a lot longer before anything started and even then i had to work through the idea that sexx wasnt wrong or bad but natural and that my current boyfriend wasnt my ex since he was really understanding of taking things slow. But now i feel like i've done something bad and that i'm letting her down and my family down through whats happened. If i tell her what did happen- i feel like her immediate reaction is going to be disasterous considering her close friend is dealing with a situation of her own daughter having sex and not tellling her and with her knowing my other friend who's pregnant. After all she's been through and all she's going through i cant stand the idea of letting someone down especially her of all people. i'm torn between wanting to tell her and knowing if i did it wouldnt be the best thing (execpt for the doctors.)

I came home today to her on the phone talking to said friend about me and her struggling to talk about this subject all together. and her explaining how the worst part is them (us) lying to her. Not only that but i'd been so admant about not wanting to at the moment. i wanted to wait till i turned 18 to make her happy and prove them (my family) wrong that i was trying to be good. It made me sick to my stomach... if i tell her she's going to scream and cry (the worst part) and tell me not to see him anymore. (which might be a good thing for a while...) she wont trust me anymore either. He'll be upset when i was the one who told him i didnt want people knowing. and if i disclose the entire situation she wont believe me which is the part thatll hurt even more.....

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struggling
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I just had a conversation with mom about our family friends and point blank asked her well how does A's mother feel, if it d and I had sex how would you react she aid it would depend on if you were lying to me about it or not. But to mom lyig can encompass alot of things not telling or not doing what you said you were commit to or flat out saying no I didnt. If she asked me then and there if something happened I wouldn't be able to stop myself from telling. I lied the first time I know I can't keep this from her and I'm scared. I just want everything to be okay-
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Robin Lee
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YOu asked if a person is swtill a bad person if they regret the wrong thing that they did. That's a question that's pretty hard to answer, but one thing that comes to mind is that sometimes people act guilty to make themselves feel better. Not saying that this is what he's doing, but it would be interesting to know, for example, how he would react if you were to tell him that you're not okay. Does that make sense?

But this is about you. I hear you saying that you still feel bad about the sexual encounter, both like it was a bad experience and that you feel guilty about it. I also hear you saying that you wish you could just let this out to someone you know, but you're afraid of reactions, particularly from your Mom. You've said a lot of other things, and I'm wondering what the most helpful thing would be for us to talk about with you.

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Robin

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struggling
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I don't know what to focus on really... I've been just kind of stuck in thought about everything at once. I apologize for making this difficult. I guess I want to know most how to deal with my mom and I'm sorta analyzing things with my boyfriend. I understand the best coarse of action would be to break things off but its really easier said than done... I was thinking about what to say to him if anything at all. "No I'm sorry I'm actually not okay... you scared me..."
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Heather
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Why don't we start with your Mom: can you fill us in on why you think she won't believe you when it comes to this person having assaulted you? Do you think that she, like us, would not hear/see something like "It would be so easy just to go ahead and take you right here and deal with the consequences later." and easily recognize it as something that people who are NOT abusive people would say?

Do you think she doesn't understand that someone doing what this person did to you is assault? If so, can you give me some clues about why you think that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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struggling
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Last time I tried to tell her about my ex she wrote it off as trying to get myself out of trouble or trying to make myself come off as a better person. She doesn't see coersion as rape but rather the fault of someone with weak convictions and being unable to say no. Even if he was pushy it would also be my fault for not fallowing the rules and setting myself up for a situation like that... she's also told me I'm emotion weak and am unable to handle myself in situations.

Edit. I found a place for counciling... I was having a hard time today and decided it was best to see the school counciler. She said the only time she'd ever report something was if I was suicidal or in immidiate danger. She also offered to start therapeutic sessions since she licensed to do so and wanted me to think about it.

[ 01-06-2012, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: struggling ]

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struggling
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Last time I tried to tell her about my ex she wrote it off as trying to get myself out of trouble or trying to make myself come off as a better person. She doesn't see coersion as rape but rather the fault of someone with weak convictions and being unable to say no. Even if he was pushy it would also be my fault for not fallowing the rules and setting myself up for a situation like that... she's also told me I'm emotion weak and am unable to handle myself in situations.
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