Donate Now
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Was this rape? I'm so confused!

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Was this rape? I'm so confused!
ilovetheatre
Neophyte
Member # 93298

Icon 5 posted      Profile for ilovetheatre     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well I have a boyfriend, Matt, and I love him so much. He's 16 and I'm 14 but he just turned 16 and I'm almost 15. Well anyway, we were in the movies in the back row all alone, and I ended up giving him head (please don't judge me). Well then he drove us back to his house and we went to his room. We were making out on his bed when he got up and when to the bathroom. He came back and he took of my pants and started fingering me. Then he took of his pants and I guess he put the condom on in the bathroom, bu the stuck it in me, and at first I was like "No, Matt, I don't want to do that", but he kept saying "No, baby, it's okay, don't worry", and he kept doing it. Well after a few minutes it started to feel amazing and it went on for about 15 more minutes, and by then I was really into it. I wasn't mad or scared or anything, and afterward he apologized and he said he just got carried away and he should have done it. Well, I told my friend, and she was like "Omg! Matt raped you! What the heck! You need to break up with him NOW!", but I didn't think it was rape, because I like it and I wasn't mad or scared and I love him so much. I don't think he would do something like that, but now I'm scared and I don't know what to do!
Posts: 4 | From: USA | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
First of all, we don't judge people here, so there is no reason to worry about that.

Unfortunately, I have to tell you that I agree with your friend. Your partner initiated intercourse with you without checking in with you first and asking you if you want that. And when you explicitly told him that you did NOT want that, he went ahead anyway. That's pretty much the text book definition of rape.

Now, sometimes our bodies wind up reacting in ways we don't expect them to, and it's absolutely possible to wind up liking something we initially did not want. However, that doesn't make it okay what your boyfriend did to you: he did not give you the chance to consent, which means that he didn't care whether you would like it or not, and your well-being and your boundaries did not matter to him in that moment.

This article may also help you out:
He's my boyfriend, so how could it have been rape?

If you want to talk about this further, we're here for you.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ilovetheatre
Neophyte
Member # 93298

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ilovetheatre     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm just confused because like it wasn't just my body that like it, and he wasn't like the only one doing stuff. I just don't know because I don't think he thought it was rape, and I don't think he would ever try to do something like that. I thought that maybe it was because I was in a bad mood earlier and he was trying to cheer me up or something. I just love him so much and I still can't picture him actually raping me. I mean, I thought rape was all scary and I actually started to like it, so I'm confused because I don't want to break up with him because I love him and he's really nice and he apologized and he's like a really sweet guy. He' never been controlling or anything. I gave him my virginity, and he spent like over a month making sure that it was what I wanted and when it happened he made sure I was comfortable and he was very gentle so he wouldn't hurt me. I just can't believe he would do something like that with bad intentions.
Posts: 4 | From: USA | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Unfortunately, we live in a world where there are a lot of incorrect ideas about rape that keep being repeated, and that often means that people who are raped in a way that doesn't conform to those stereotypes don't realize what has happened to them. A lot of people think that for something to be rape, it needs to be violent, and it needs to be perpetrated by a stranger, someone who doesn't know us and attacks us on the street or spikes our drinks at a party. However, that's not true: the vast majority of all rapes happen with someone we know and love, someone we trusted. And those rapes are often not violent at all, but rather the rapists use manipulation or coercion, and simply take advantage of the trust of their victims.

When someone says no to sexual activity, and the other person goes ahead anyway without their consent, that is rape.

Sexual activity is something that people do together, that is mutually agreed on, that is pleasurable for everyone involved. That's something that is about respect and care for your partner, and an interest in their safety, health and well-being. A partner who cares about you will naturally want to make sure that you're always on the same page, and that all sexual activity is something you both want and are interested in.

Your boyfriend, however, did not talk to you beforehand about engaging in intercourse. He did not ask you whether you were even interested. The fact that he put on a condom in secret shows that he fully intended to engage in intercourse, whether or not you wanted to go along. And then you explicitly asked him to stop, and rather than respect your boundary, he dismissed it and kept going.

All of that makes my alarm bells go off, and it make me worry for your safety in this relationship.

I also understand that this is hard for you to hear. It is tough, and I know it. And we're here for you and we'll help you through this.

Have you read the article that I linked you to? If not, why don't you do that, as well.

[ 01-05-2012, 05:35 AM: Message edited by: September ]

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3