Donate Now
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » I loathe PTSD and depression. I despise them with all my heart. !!TRIGGER WARNING!!!

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: I loathe PTSD and depression. I despise them with all my heart. !!TRIGGER WARNING!!!
Sans
Peer Ambassador
Member # 91788

Icon 9 posted      Profile for Sans     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I feel awful.

I want to go to sleep and not wake up.

Can't do anything anymore. The living dead.

Assaulted by the feelings. Rage and despair one moment, absolutely nothing the next.
But I'd take rage and despair over nothingness anyday.

Sexually abused as a child by my stepfather.
I remember with vivid detail today, I forget major portions tomorrow.

Can I not do this? Can I not be like this?

I should change the title to say "I loathe myself.
There is no one I despise more."
I hate this.
I hate not being able to function.
I hate that he is somewhere getting ready to lure another innocent while I am here helpless.
The damsel in distress.

I don't want to be like this.
I am sorry.
I find my existence pathetic.

I want to be strong but, most days, I can't
even get my head off of the ground.

I have people who can help me, but not all the time.
They think that I can make it out of this.
I am tired. I think nothing.

Can someone out there hold out a little bit of hope for me? Just a little?
Because I can't do it for myself.
I've forgotten what it felt like.
It's been too long.

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for eryn_smiles         Edit/Delete Post 
I'm sorry to read that things are so tough for you at the moment [Frown] You mention that you have people who can help you- who are those people? Is there anyone you can call and talk to at the moment? Do you have a therapist who helps with your PTSD and depression? If you are thinking of suicide or self harm at all, please do call them or a local crisis helpline.

I have depression too and can certainly hold onto hope for you. This will get better one day, I know it will. But in-person support is really important at times like these so you need to reach out, alright? Take care of yourself, I am thinking of you.

[ 12-13-2011, 04:08 AM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
Peer Ambassador
Member # 91788

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sans     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you.

I am seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist at the moment. They are aware of my being suicidal and they are helping me with the PTSD and the depression.

But, sometimes, late into the evenings, I feel so alone. Swarmed with those memories, all positivity gone. Feeling like I died many years ago in the clutches of my stepfather.

I find that sometimes, even when I have spoken out to people that I love, I still feel alone. I can tell them how I feel, I can describe it in words; but there are some things that only people who are/have experienced the same thing can truly understand.

My loved ones keep encouraging me to get better. I wouldn't trade them for the world because I love them so much, I know that they have the best intentions for me, but, well......sometimes I can't crawl out of this suffocating blanket, even with their help. Sometimes I am the only one around who truly understands how I feel, if you know what I mean. And sometimes, I can't talk to them. Nothing they say can alleviate my pain in the least.

Sometimes the only thing they can do for me is to love me.

Sometimes the only thing I can do is to look for someone else who feels/have felt the same way, and talk. After a while, I feel less troubled. Just knowing that someone out there understands how I feel completely without me having to explain in graphic detail....it is more than comforting.

I loved my stepfather so much, albeit I was very confused by what he did at the time he did it. I had a much closer relationship with him than my biological father, whom I never really got to know. I blamed it all on myself. I still do, to some extent. I hate him for what he did, for taking advantage of me, for damaging me, for using me, but.......

......I want my daddy back. It is such a confusing myriad of emotions.

I am grateful for Scarleteen for giving me this opportunity. I may still be stuck in wave after wave of turbulent emotions, but I am content.

Thank you for your hard work. I love you all.

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
Peer Ambassador
Member # 91788

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sans     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I am so frustrated. I hate myself.

I apologize for the long rants, but....

I've been working on this healing process for a while now.

Why is it that I am taking so long to get back to normal?

And why is it, that every time my condition seems to improve, it worsens again afterward?

It is at times like these that I have no idea whether I am actually getting better or not.

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Firefly-
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 26516

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Firefly-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi SansNom. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time and you feel so alone. And I'm really sorry your post from a few days ago was missed [Frown]

This may sound like platitudes, but healing from abuse can be a long process. That being said, it very definitely can get better. It's common to go through the healing process and have ups and downs. PTSD work is often really tough and it's a lot of processing, but being able to talk about it with people is one of the best ways to heal.

You mention that it can be helpful for you to talk to other people who have gone through similar experiences. Have you ever tried a support/therapy group? If not and if it's something you would be interested in, maybe you could talk to your therapist or your psychiatrist and see if there's anything available in your area?

Besides that, how can we best help you and support you through this process?

Hang in there.

--------------------
Vero
Scarleteen Volunteer
Help sustain sex ed and Scarleteen: donate!

Posts: 1345 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
Peer Ambassador
Member # 91788

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sans     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you, Firefly, for your reply.

I think you're right. Healing from abuse is a very long process. But.... even though I'm aware that I won't get better overnight, it just feels like it's going to last until the day I die. That's why death, to me, used to be (and still is to some extent) so appealing....

My therapists tells me that too. Now, I believe firmly that she is the best and I adore her very much. However, somedays I reflect on her saying that healing takes awhile and requires much patience during its drawn-out process, and it makes me want to scream. This may be due to the fact that I can feel so much pain at the moment, I often can't see anything lying ahead.

Support/therapy groups sound like an interesting idea, but I've so much going on with school and family right now, I don't think I can do it....

Thank you for caring and wanting to help. I really appreciate the concern. Right now, I think that what I need to do most is to talk to others when I fall into depression or panic as a result of flashbacks. I'll keep posting & updating on my condition.....

One more thing I'm concerned about...my mother has also experienced abuse at the hands of my stepfather. I think that counselling might be a good idea for her, but she says she doesn't have time for one....she tends to tell me a lot of her thoughts, worries, and complaints.....I feel guilty about this but recently, I've grown unable to handle it, and I've told her as such and asked also that she not tell me about those things. I think that she's unhappy with me, because she stated before that none of her friends understand what she's going through, which makes her feel lonely....I felt that I had an obligation to her, as her daughter, to shoulder these concerns...but I can't do it anymore.....I can't even help myself, pathetic as I am......I'm such a failure......

Another point of interest which you might like to know is that I've done this for both my mother and my stepfather for about 7 years....and now I've collapsed....I loathe myself so much for being so weak and unable to help....

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Firefly-
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 26516

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Firefly-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi SansNom. For what it's worth, I don't think you're weak or a failure at all. From what you've posted, you seem remarkably strong and brave.

I'm glad you were able to establish some boundaries with your mother about her sharing. I can understand wanting to support her, but it's incredibly difficult to be someone's sole source of support, especially while you're still healing from abuse as well. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to feel guilty about not being able to handle it. It makes a lot of sense actually. It can be incredibly difficult to have a relationship with someone and play their therapist as well. She likely doesn't mean to make you feel bad, but may not realize how unfair it is to rely only on her daughter for support/therapy. If you feel up to it, you could try to continue to encourage her to seek counselling. We can also help you find resources to suggest for her if you want (or you could ask your psychiatrist or therapist).

Have you ever talked to your therapist about the pressure you feel to be supportive? It may help to talk to her about it and see what kind of strategies she has to deal with that. It doesn't mean you're weak.

Keep hanging in there. We're here to help.

--------------------
Vero
Scarleteen Volunteer
Help sustain sex ed and Scarleteen: donate!

Posts: 1345 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
Peer Ambassador
Member # 91788

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sans     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hello again. Sorry for the long break between posts.
The relationship between my mother and I has improved quite a bit after some communication. Turns out that she didn't quite understand my behaviour sometimes (e.g. when having a flashback I would suddenly become extremely introverted).
But recently she has had a series of health issues, and has had to be escorted to the emergency....I'm not surprised at anything that happens anymore. It's all just deja vu.
Do things ever get better, or am I just deluding myself with false optimism?

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
Peer Ambassador
Member # 91788

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sans     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I've started cutting again.
I told myself that I would leave a scar for every time that I made my loved ones upset.
I'm still seeing my therapist.
But sometimes I just feel so alone...
...people care about me, but wouldn't it be better if they didn't?

Wouldn't it be much easier on them if I died?
....I would think so.

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for eryn_smiles         Edit/Delete Post 
Sansnom, I know it can sometimes feel otherwise, but your loved ones would be devastated if you died. People here online clearly care about you too. I'm sorry that you're self harming again and feeling so alone. Are you able to call your therapist or a local helpline? Please do that immediately if you're feeling suicidal at all. By the way, I completely believe that things will get better for you. But you need to hang in there, ok?

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
Peer Ambassador
Member # 91788

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sans     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks, Eryn. [Smile] Your concern means a lot.
Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for eryn_smiles         Edit/Delete Post 
You're welcome. How are you doing at the moment? Were you able to talk to your therapist about the cutting?

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
Peer Ambassador
Member # 91788

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sans     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Sry for not replying sooner, Eryn.

As of right now I'm relatively clear-headed, but two days ago I cut again.
I am talking to my therapist about the cutting. She thinks that it is due to the fact that I continue to blame myself for the abuse that happened. I understand the line of reasoning, really I do, but I still haven't been able to stop.

It just makes me feel so much more in control when I take full responsibiliy for my stepfather's actions. It's easier to blame myself for it and then cut to punish myself for it. I don't know why I have such difficulty letting go of this concept.

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
Peer Ambassador
Member # 91788

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sans     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Another thing that I'm extremely confused about:

About 5 years ago, I started consistently wearing my stepfather's clothes, which were very loose fitting, and had constant thoughts and a desire to both cut off my breasts and to be a boy. This lasted for about a year.

I had mentioned this to my therapist, who said that it might have been due to the fact that I was sexually abused at the time. I believe her reasoning has truth behind it because I had thought that, if I were a boy, then I wouldn't have been a target of his very unwelcome attention (which, as I found out later, is not true).

But now I'm bewildered, because, although I no longer wish to self-mutilate, I have no qualms about dressing like a guy (in fact, I wish to do so sometimes) and I don't mind thinking of myself as being a guy. Do my thoughts and feelings indicate that I am genderfluid, or are they relics of my abusive past? (No offense to anyone reading this)

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ILoveYouBaby19
Neophyte
Member # 94747

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ILoveYouBaby19     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
im not sure if this will help but after my father molested/raped me i had the urge to dress like guys. after awhile i realized it was so no other guy would want me so that i felt safer. it made me feel like if i dressed like a guy then no guy would harm me ever again. then i met my current boyfriend/father of my son. and it all gradually started to get better. now im not saying to go out and make yourself look for a guy or anything, all im saying is i know what your going through and it does get better. yes there will be times when you start to slip back because some things will remind you but just remember he cant hurt you anymore ( im assuming you are no longer near him) but i am here if you would like to talk i might not respond really quickly all the time but maybe i can help you as well and as others have said please call either a helpline ot someone who can be there quickly if needed if you are feeling suicidal i had my bouts of that and im glad my mother was there for me when i did.

--------------------
I believe in the compelling power of love. I do not understand it. I believe it to be the most fragrant blossom of all this thorny existence. Theodore Dreiser

Posts: 30 | From: Marion,Ohio | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for eryn_smiles         Edit/Delete Post 
Sorry to hear that you had cut again, SansNom, but glad that you are talking with your therapist and seeking out support. Keep taking care of yourself [Smile] . I can't comment much on what you've said about gender, but I think that you should dress and present your gender in whatever way makes you feel most comfortable at the moment.

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sans
Peer Ambassador
Member # 91788

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sans     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you, ILoveYouBaby19 and Eryn. [Smile]

And sorry for the 4 days it took me to reply.
Sorry also for the fact that I seem to be loading my problems here every time I show up. ;(

Regarding my gender identity, I think that both of you could be right. However, since I do currently wish to dress differently than what society regards as being "appropriate" for my gender, I shall respect my own feelings and do as they dictate.

These days, I'm amazed at my inability to control my mood, my irritation levels, my anxiety, and just about any facet of myself that usually calls for self-discipline. Sometimes my mood and anxiety progresses to quite epic levels, and I feel the need to do something to give myself the illusion that I'm in control. Recently, I've taken to cutting impulsively at my hair, sometimes daily, instead of cutting my body itself. I suppose that it's better this way, since my life and physical health are not in danger.

I commend myself for being useless, since it's grown past the stage where I could help myself.

I've been given good reasons for not convicting myself of "offenses" that I haven't committed, berating myself for mistakes never made, conditions never asked for. But I can't. I just CAN'T.

--------------------
"Sneak away, sneak away / If the fate is too sad / You are not a flower of hell / That kind of place... / Don't become lost, don't become lost... / Or you won't be able to grasp the entangled hand / The cry also has a limit...." - Naraku no Hana

Posts: 537 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3