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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Advice?

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Author Topic: Advice?
amberNT1991
Neophyte
Member # 94643

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This is going to probably be all jumbled up but I really have a lot to say so... just hang tight.

When I was a little girl I had a cousin who was close in age to me. He was at our house constantly, and we were constantly left together. He used to do things to me that I was uncomfortable about, and used to make me do things to him as well. At the time I didn't really understand what he was doing was wrong, I just knew that I did not like them. It wasn't until I saw a play at my elementary school that basically taught us about inappropriate behaviors that I told anyone. I told my guidance counselor, who then told my parents. My parents put me in therapy immediately. I went to a womans house and we would play games, and then she would let me lay in a hammock and she would ask me questions and we'd just talk. I'm not quite sure what happened, but I ended up just putting the whole traumatizing event behind me.

Then, when I was in middle school, I became really depressed for reasons I cannot explain. I was put back in therapy when expressed suicidal thoughts and diagnosed with clinical depression. I was basically in therapy from the time I was little until I went into the ninth grade. I never really felt as if therapy did much for me when I was in middle school, my therapist would basically gossip with me and let me get on her computer and that's really all I can remember.

When I was in high school a boy moved in next door with his family and he happened to be the same age as me. To make a long story short we became really close. We remained very, very close for the three years he lived next door. We had a weird relationship, we sometimes would flirt and kiss but since he had cheated on girls with me (WITHOUT me knowing he had been in relationships) I could not trust him so I refused to take the next step into a relationship, I just knew I really enjoyed his company and that he made me happy.

My neighbor had enlisted in the Marines and was leaving in a few months. It was Christmas time and we were hanging out at his house. He was not really being himself that night and I didn't really think anything of it, but he was being very sexual. He would make stupid comments, like, for instance when that song "birthday sex" came on he said "you know my birthday is coming up." I would brush it off and not really say anything but everything leading up to it had been making me very uncomfortable. When I was getting ready to leave I was sitting on his bed and he leaned in and kissed me. He proceeded to put his hand on the front of my jeans and it made me very uncomfortable. I tried to push his hand away but he wouldn't budge. He then pressed his body against me and wouldn't let me up. I started pushing against his chest with my hands and instead of letting me go, he pinned my hands against the bed and continued kissing me and trying to get me to do things. At this point I was freaking out and was kicking him and trying to get him off of me, I was terrified. Suddenly he got off of me, and it was obvious that he was aroused even though I was obviously distressed. I left the house and went into mine and pretty soon after he sent me a text saying he was sorry if he pressured me at all. I didn't say anything to my mom right after and I started having a lot of mixed emotions about the whole thing.

It has been about a year since that happened and I am in a committed relationship. He is ready to take the next step and I am not sure I am, but I'm afraid that I never will be. When my neighbor did that to me it sort of brought feelings that had been buried deep inside of me long ago, from what had happened when I was little. Feelings I didn't even know I had. The first time my boyfriend and I did anything sexual I panicked. I can only describe the feeling I had as panic, I felt disgusted with myself and like I had done something wrong.

My neighbor is now a Marine and is in California for school I believe. We still talk from time to time, and I don't know if I should still be angry and upset or if I should be over it. I'm just really confused and I need some advice.

Posts: 3 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
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Member # 35643

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Hello amber [Smile] , I'm glad you felt able to come and talk about this here. I think it's probably good if one of the volunteers talks to you as well but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry about what happened to you with your neighbor. I would call that sexual assault or rape. I hope that you know it wasn't your fault and that you have nothing to feel disgusted or ashamed about, alright?

Did you seek any counselling or other help after this assault? Have you talked with your current partner about what happened to you and told him that you need some time before becoming sexual with him?

[ 02-12-2012, 04:16 AM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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amberNT1991
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Member # 94643

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As far as knowing it's not my fault, I think I have started to realize it's not. When it first happened I confided in my best friend and told her, because she knew something was up. She then proceeded to send my mom the "letter" I sent her explaining what happened because she was worried. In turn my mom was very upset, she felt like it was her fault and I felt guilty for that. She used to be very, very protective because she felt like what happened when I was little was her fault as well so I never wanted her to feel like that again. She also told me that I gave him the wrong impression by being in his bedroom with him, but his door was open and his parents were downstairs so I didn't really think about it. What I feel the most guilty about is not telling someone. What if he did this, or something worse, to someone else? Now that he is a Marine he is in a position of power and it scares me thinking that he could do this again. After it happened he told me that we should not see each other for a long time because he didn't want to hurt me again, which really freaked me out.

I didn't have any counseling afterwards but I have talked to my partner about it. He is very supportive and understanding, I just always feel bad that I can't give him what he wants.

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Kachina
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42505

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I'm so sorry about what happened to you, amber. I would really recommend some trauma counseling. What you are feeling now is very common after what you have been through. I think counseling could really help you sort your feelings around this. Would you consider looking for someone? We can help you find something if you want.

You say you feel bad you can't give your partner what he wants, but that is not what sex should be about at all. Sex is not someone "giving" something to someone else. And he shouldn't want anything from you that would cause you pain.

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

Posts: 876 | From: Seattle | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
amberNT1991
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Member # 94643

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I'm not sure about counseling. I really don't have the money for it and I know it's not cheap. I just really feel bad sometimes for not telling someone when it happened. I confided in his older brother because after it happened I stopped coming over, and he asked why so I told him. He didn't say much.

He doesn't want anything that would cause me pain. He has really been great in all of this. I just always feel as if I'm stupid for feeling so upset over something that other people seem to think is not a big deal.

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Kachina
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42505

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I'm glad to hear your partner is being supportive. [Smile] there is no correct way to feel, and I can assure you you are not being stupid for being upset over this. What happened WAS a big deal, regardless of what others think. You were assaulted by someone you trusted, and that can take a real toll on our psyche.

There are counseling options that are based on a sliding scale so they are affordable or even free depending on where you are. Are you in school?

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

Posts: 876 | From: Seattle | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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