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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Do I expose someone who previously had a relationship with an underage girl?

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Author Topic: Do I expose someone who previously had a relationship with an underage girl?
Cadence350
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I'll try and make this short and simple:
- 30 y/o uncle was fooling around with 15 y/o niece. It was semi-consensual, meaning she was not forced into it, but after it would happen, she would tell him to stop and not do it again, only to find herself right back with him fooling around.

- She's told me and we've put a stop to this. He's been mostly out of her life since October, but, since he is family, he is still friends with her parents, siblings, and family friends.

- Two families that she and he frequently hang out with. Her own family (family1), and another family (family2) who are friends with her parents. Family2 had suspected something was going on between the two, but didn't have any proof, and since he has back off, they've dropped it.

- I've tried to get her to tell the mom of family2 (who she feels most comfortable telling) but she's afraid of the repercussions and fears she will get in a lot of trouble (especially from her own mom). She did use the uncle to get alcohol and marijuana.

So far, I've respected her wishes and kept her trust by not telling anyone. At first, I didn't feel right not telling anyone, because I didn't think this was something I could stop on my own, but it seems to be stopped and under control. The uncle seems to suspect that I know something, so I believe he's afraid to do anything. The reason I want to expose him, because I feel like the two sets of parents have a right to know. Right now, they are completely unaware and welcome this uncle into their homes as if he should be considered family, which makes me sick. I don't want to cause more problems and start anything, since it seems to be behind her, but I also don't want the parents to remain ignorant. I know if that was my daughter, I would definitely want to know this, and I hate that I haven't told them, but this isn't my situation, so I want to do what is best for the niece.

Thanks in advance for taking the time to listen.

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Robin Lee
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Can you tell us a little more about your relationship with the families in question?

There are legal considerations as well, since she is a minor and he is not.

I understand what you mean by semi-consensual, as in the uncle not having to use force, but really there's either consensual or not. The uncle knew that what he was doing was inappropriate, and there are other ways of exerting power other than force (such as being the supplier of alcohol and marijuana, a way of coercing her).

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Robin

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Cadence350
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I'm not related, but I've known both families for about 10 years now (I'm 26). I consider them family and they feel the same way. Family 2 I've known for longer and am best friends with their eldest son. I've somewhat gone to the best friend about this situation, but he's not willing to take any action. Family1 has 1 son and 2 daughters and Family2 has two sons. They are all pretty much my best friends, so I am tightly integrated into both families.

She has a tendency to get too attached to people, and I feel the uncle used that against her. She's gotten really attached to me since I helped her out with this, and I can kinda see how someone could take advantage of that. Obviously I'd never do anything to harm her, but she seems like the type that would forgive stupid actions like what her uncle was doing, just so that the uncle would remain in her life. At the time, he was the only one that was close with her (at least that's how she saw it). She showed me a few text messages she sent where he would apologize for fooling around with her, and she would basically tell him to "f off", but then a few weeks later the same thing would happen. It only seemed to stop when I took the effort to listen to her and become close with her. Once she had someone else like that in her life, she was willing to push him out. I think she just needs someone to be close with, and, even if that person treats her terribly, she'd rather be with them than be alone.

[ 02-17-2012, 05:02 PM: Message edited by: Cadence350 ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Cadence: how about getting her connected with a counselor or center that works expressly with these issues so that a) she has someone qualified to talk to who can help her with all of this, and b) all of this isn't only in your hands and on you?

That's a lot for you to carry around all by yourself, period, but too, you also can't be expected to be a counselor for her, including making these kinds of decisions. That's just not sound for either of you without some kind of additional support and help.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Cadence350
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Well, I really think there isn't much help needed any more. The situation has pretty much been dealt with and seems to be done. She is completely done with him and he knows to stay away. My dilemma is do I tell the parents just for their sake. If I were in the parents shoes, I would want to know this information. At the same time, I don't want to tell them if it is going to just bring up this whole situation that really is in the past now.
Posts: 30 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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