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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Havin a bit of a hard time.

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Author Topic: Havin a bit of a hard time.
Member # 95263

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Hi. I am new to this whole blog thing... so I hope I am in the right place (:

I am currently in school in a place that I am totally unfamiliar with. I thought it was no big deal being alone n' all, and I was doing fine, but than things happened.

During Christmas time, I stayed in town at school because I had nowhere else to go. I was invited by an aquaintance to a little 'anti-Christmas' party for people who were alone for Christmas. I decided to go for the heck of it. There were quite a few people there, most of whom I didn't know very well. The night went on, and I had a good time - and had a few too many beers and shots. Long story short, I ended up in a nasty situation in a gas station parking lot that followed up to his dorm room. I was raped and sodomized (holy shit, that's hard to type). I received surgery to repair my vaginal wall and cervix from a knife that was inserted inside of me - it was a long recovery, but I am now (physically) good as new.

The problem I am having is trying to repair my head. When I was a child, I was sexually abused. I thought I was over that - but lately, I can't seem to leave my room because I'm so... scared. I can't stop thinking of when I was a kid and the stuff at Christmas. I am going nuts. I don't have family or close friends to talk to. I have been seeing the university counselor, but it hasn't been very helpful.

The other thing is I am feeling very sexually aroused lately, and my 'significant other' and I have begun our journey back to intamacy. He is trying to be patient - but I keep getting scared during sex. I care deeply about him, but I don't feel like having any kinky sex... and that's what he is looking for right now.

Not sure WHAT the hell to do! Ideas please???

Posts: 3 | From: Oakland, California | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hello and welcome to Scarleteen. [Smile]

I'm glad you made your way here and that you took the big step of writing out what happened to you.

It makes a lot of sense that your recent assault would bring up memories of the abuse you experienced as a child. Our bodies have long memories, longer than our minds sometimes. Your body when through a huge trauma, with the rape and the surgery.

Can you tell us a little more about how and why the counselling you're receiving is unhelpful? It sounds like you're having a really hard time, and getting the appropriate counselling can be a big part of your recovery.

I'm glad to hear that your partner is being supportive. You know, I imagine, that you don't have to engage in any type of sex you're not ready for just because it's what he's interested in right now. A big part of getting back in touch with your sexuality is going to be time. Are there sexual activities that are less upsetting for you right now than others?


Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 95263

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My counseling is just... Grr. The lady is very nice, but she always seems confused and frazzled about what I am telling her. She gives me answers that I could have told myself. I know that's slightly bitchy, but it's true. I just am not getting any helpful advice from her. Plus, she keeps telling me to get ontop of my classes and get back into the swing of things... That's good advice, BUT I'd like to know how, not that I should.

When it comes to sexual activities... I'd say that I don't mind most of it. It's just that I don't like it. I used to like it... now it seems more like a chore than something that is healthy and connective.

Posts: 3 | From: Oakland, California | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Hi there,

I just wanted to say that I understand a lot of what you have written here, down to the details of the rape, I too had a knife injury which was one of the scariest things I have ever experienced. I know how rough it is to go through all of this, and although right now I can't really find the right words to help you out I just thought it might help to know that someone gets it, I get it.

I kind of stumble through each day right now because of all of this stuff, and am probably not. full. of amazing advice on how to get thru this as I don't really know how I do, I just know that there are little things that are starting to happen for me throughout the days that make me remember happiness and take my mind off of the past. Even if it's for a split second I cherish those moments, and it helps me keep going.

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Member # 95266

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I have also experienced difficulty in talking with the University counselor about sexual assault issues. My counselor seems unable or unwilling to address the issues revolving around my ex boyfriend, and usually simply suggests that time heals all wounds. However, I have been considering speaking to someone that specializes in that form of therapy. Maybe that would help you as well.
Posts: 4 | From: United States | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 95263

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Thank you for your replies. It meant a lot to me to know that I am not alone - even though I feel like it. I just want to know that things can be okay. Even if I know it'll take a while - I need to know eventually I will get there.

My counselor and I talked. I asked her if she could recommend anyone who specialized in the form of counseling that I was in need of. She told me that there are other counselors, but they would cost a deal of money. I tried calling my victim's addvocate today. Does anyone know if I should apply for victim's compensation? Is it worth the process?

Again, thank you. I feel so exhausted. I am more than eternally greatful that the week is beginning to come to an end... Is it normal for my days to be feeling like years? Is it normal for me to feel like barfing every time I close my eyes? Jesus Christ, I'm going freaking crazy. But I just can't seem to help it. I hope things are better tomorrow.


Posts: 3 | From: Oakland, California | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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