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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Confused and Suddenly Feeling Guilty 5 Years Later

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Author Topic: Confused and Suddenly Feeling Guilty 5 Years Later
kikiley
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When I was 14 I had what I would have classified at the time as a bad experience with a boy. He really liked me and went about making sure I knew in a weird way. At first he'd just get his friends to convince me to slow dance with him at dances, and sometimes we'd all walk home together in a group, with him walking me alone to my block and then leaving. I found it kind of strange, but I didn't think there was much wrong with it. However, later he became a little more bold and continually tried to kiss me at the corner of my street, which I did one day when he pushed my face to his mouth. Eventually he'd start walking me all the way to my house, and would come up with a reason to come inside. I'd say yes, not wanting to be mean. So I'd let him in and somehow, everytime, we'd end up alone somewhere in my house. And everytime he'd want to try and have sex. I'd always say no and when he'd ask why I'd say it's due to the fact that I felt that 14 was too young for me and that I didn't know him well enough to do that and we weren't in a relationship and that I'd like to wait until I was older, but instead of just leaving it at that he'd touch me in private places over my clothes, asking me if I liked it. I'd say no, and eventually he'd get annoyed and leave. There were times when, while his friends were unaware of our private happenings that they'd set us up at parties in the "make out in the closet game", I'd always try to leave once I got into the closet but he'd keep me in there. Usually my grabbing my arm, and sometimes by saying he wouldn't try anything, and I'd stupidly believe him. One day he came up to me before school and simply said "he didn't like me anymore" and that was the end of that.

To this day I am still uncomfortable when I see him on the street, but there as a time a few years ago when I saw him semi often when he'd walk past my school to get to the movie theatre. I'd become noticeably anxious, especially when he came over to say "hi". During this time I'd had 2 boyfriends, both of whom I'd told that this boy had assaulted me because based on what I knew and how I felt at the time, I truly felt I had been. I didn't tell them exactly what happened since I was embarassed and didn't like talking about it. I eventually told my mother as well.

Now, 5 years later, I've another boyfriend who I've never mentioned this to, mostly because I haven't seen this other boy in 2 years, and I don't really think about it anymore. However, recently, at night time especially, I get hit with feelings of guilt right in my chest. For some reason now, I feel like I shouldn't have said anything, and that what he did wasn't that bad. I know that no means no, and that he didn't follow that, and that he didn't respect my boundries, but for some reason, only now, 5 years later do I feel really guilty. I've now become afraid to talk about it for fear of someone saying that what he did wasn't bad, and that I was a bad person for saying so and I Have no idea why.

So I come here now for clarification. Should I be feeling guilty and was my telling of my past 2 boyfriends of what he said bad? Was what he did not wrong? I know that I'd still be really uncomfortable around him if I had to be, but part of that's from my newfound guilt. Or, was I not exaggerating what happened, as I seem to feel that I am? Also, why would I only be feeling guilty about this now?

Thank you for taking time to read this, I know it's very long and that there are much more severe problems on here for you to be helping with! [Smile]

Posts: 8 | From: Canada | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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What you've done is tell people you have been seeing what this person did to you and how you felt about it. And I agree: this person crossed your boundaries and your lines and did sexual things to you without your consent. I',m so sorry you didn't feel able to tel anyone at the time and ask for help so that this didn't continue for as long as it did.

I don't see anything here for you to feel guilty about or where you have done anything wrong. Even if you had reported this to the police, what they would have done is investigate your report and determine, themselves, if this was or wasn't assault or abuse: that would be their job, not yours, and you reporting -- even if, say, things had gone very differently than they did -- would not have involved you doing anything other that reporting what you knew happened and leaving it up to them to classify it and file whatever they felt the appropriate charges were. Understand what I'm saying?

In terms of why you're feeling how you are now, have you ever had any help in processing this and doing healing with it? Any counseling at all?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kikiley
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No these feelings are very new and have come up in the last couple of weeks. I have been struggling with anxiety recently due to me suddenly changing my environment from university to back at home with my parents and we're discussing the severity of it when I go to my GP in the next couple of weeks. She's told me that counselling is a good option for me, however I start a full time job soon so there wouldn't be much time for me to get counselling. I really don't understand why I'm feeling so awful about talking about it now. If I knew it was wrong at 14, then I'd think I'd still be confident about what happened now.
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Heather
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You know, counseling takes about an hour a week, at a maximum. You've probably already spent several hours feeling like you have been, and far more than that having a hard time with some things because of not doing work on your healing, right? Do you think you could find one hour each week to do something that's about really taking care of yourself well? One hour a week to make your emotional well-being a top priority?

Healing from any kind of abuse or assault is often a long-term process, one that tends to take even longer when we don't deal with it or just try and push it out of our minds and our lives. And feelings about any kind of trauma often come and go in waves like this: that's not uncommon. But they also will tend to keep bubbling up when we just really aren't dealing with them as well as we could be.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kikiley
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Counselling is definitely something I'm looking into. My mother has made sure that it's put out there that she does have someone I could see, that her and even my sister go and talk to so seeing someone is definitely an option for for.

I'm feeling a bit better now that you've reassured me that what happened really was bad and that I wasn't just making something out of nothing like I've been recently thinking I have.

But yes, I'm for sure going to be looking into counselling. I've also been getting the feeling that it's been affecting my relationship in a subtle way and it's been bothering me so it's probably something I should bring up with my boyfriend as well.

Thank you for taking the time to help me, I really appreciate it.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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It's fantastic that you have a parent so willing to help and be supportive with this: I'd encourage you to really take advantage of that.

Sadly, all too many people don't have that kind of help or support and have to work things out without it. But you do: you can get the kind of help that's likely to make a big difference for you AND be supported in healing by people who care about you. That's awesome.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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