Donate Now
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Trouble being..intimate (Page 1)

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!   This topic comprises 4 pages: 1  2  3  4   
Author Topic: Trouble being..intimate
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 11 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Since I have allowed some memories from my childhood be more present of my cousin doing some...sexual things to me, I have been having a hard time with physical stuff. I have had a girlfriend and we have been together for two years in June. She was actually the first one that I told about the memories. And she has been absolutely amazing in trying to help me through everything.

My issue is that I have been having a hard time with most types of physical intimacy. Sometimes I even have to fight myself from flinching away from just a simple touch on my arm. And the whole subject of sex just makes me really uncomfortable and doing things makes me feel even more uncomfortable. We have talked about our relationship and she wants me to do anything that I need to in order to get better and heal, even if that means taking a break. She doesn't want to pressure me into anything. But I feel bad denying her the physical part of the relationship, I feel like I do enough to her and make things so difficult for her and now to deny her a normal part of a relationship. So, sometimes I do allow us to do stuff and I sometimes get triggered and have flashbacks...but I try to hide them for her. But sometimes she is able to notice, and it makes me feel bad cause then we have to stop because of me.

Is there anyway I can get more comfortable with the subject and being able to do it for her? I just feel bad enough for everything I have put her through with having to deal with me. And I don't want to deny her anything in this relationship cause she deserves so much.

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You know, it might help to put yourself in her shoes.

Would you want a partner suffering when they do something sexual with you hiding that from you? Wouldn't that seriously break your heart? Don't you think you'd feel a lot better only doing things that felt physically and emotionally good for both of you? And when the timing was right, would only really enjoy sex if you knew, without a doubt, any sex was being fully and mutually enjoyed by both of you?

It sounds like you have an awesome, loving and supportive partner here. I suggest you trust her when she's clear that she feels patient with this and don't do anything you don't want to or don't feel good doing. I'd say denying her that trust, trust it sounds like she's earned, is a way bigger deal than not having sex for a while, and is something she's much more likely to feel denied by, if you get me.

A loving partner is not going to feel fulfilled by a partner doing sexual things to try and please them that make them feel bad, because a loving partner isn't going to only care about her own needs. And no doubt, she can take care of her own sexual needs all by herself, anyway. [Smile]

If you're having trouble taking a break from sex that you need and being honest with your partner about this, I'd try very hard to be fully honest right now about what's been going on, and make clear that you DO need to just take sex off the table for now, at the very least, until you can be 110% sure that you won't try and have sex just to please her and that you're dishonest about in terms of what you're feeling. Doing that is a FAR surer route to destroying a good relationship than taking some time away from sex.

Like we've talked about before, in order to feel differently than you do, you're going to have to do some work healing from this. There's no magic button that can just make that happen or make your feelings go away. This is a process that takes effort and time as well as help. It's also one that tends to get pushed back and made tougher by doing anything sexual you don't truly want to and don't feel good about doing.

So, if you want to do anything to commit to both of you in this, I think the very best thing you can do, and the most constructive, is to take a risk and go ahead in trying to find a therapist you can disclose to and start getting help from in healing from any abuse that happened to you. Sounds like her aunt has also been amazing, so how about asking her for some extra help with that?

[ 04-13-2011, 07:54 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67932 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
When I get out of school for the summer we may try working on finding me a therapist. The thing that is difficult is that it would only be for the summer cause it wouldn't be really possible to go during the school year since I go to school about two and a half hours from home and I have to go someplace in my state cause my insurance doesn't cover anything out of state. And her aunt would love to be able to get me to a good therapist that deals in ...sexual trauma but she understands the situation, and right now she has helped me at least in getting me a psychiatrist which is set up and have an appointment in a month. And also I am not sure if I could actually get myself to talk about the memories with anyone :/ I don't know how I could possibly get myself to talk about it...

Yeah, I can see your point in the whole putting myself into her shoes. I just have such a hard time actually talking about what is going on. And I feel like i...have to do it with her. But it's not like she is pressuring me into it at all or anything. I don't know why I feel like I have to, but I do.

And I guess I just feel like I am totally damaged in that area of my life, that I will never really be comfortable about it or enjoy it...

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I really hope that soon you can stop projecting what is happening now and how things have been in the past unto the future. Honestly, you can't predict it and if you're trying to get unstuck and change things for the better, constantly saying and thinking that things will never change is going to be a real barrier for change for you.

I suspect it's part of the barrier you have been dealing with already. The good news about that is that's nothing anyone else did to you or is doing: it's something you're doing to yourself, which makes that totally in your control and in your power to change.

I'd also try and stop getting stuck on thinking you don't know how you will talk about it with someone. How about you simply try and see how it goes before being defeatist about it?

Lastly, how about talking to your partner about what you've brought up here very honestly, okay? It's not unusual for people who have been through any kind of sexual abuse to feel like sex is required: in fact, that is incredibly common. But if you're honest with your partner about feeling that way and about being unable to say no, especially someone who sounds so great, she can help you out with that by just taking it off the table until you can come back, after having made some progress, and let her know when that has changed and what things you need to support you in that change.

One last note? Seriously, if you feel totally incapable of talking about what's going on with you sexually with your partner, or being honest, that's about the strongest cue there is that sex/a sexual relationship is a VERY bad idea for you right now (as it would be for anyone), and is much more likely to be negative than positive for you and your relationship, and more likely to keep you from healing than to help you heal. So, to take care of yourself as best you can, I'd be sure you are being very honest with yourself about what you're really able to handle and do well right now, and make sure that anything you know you can't is something you step away from.

[ 04-13-2011, 08:11 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67932 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay, I will try and bring up this with her. Do you have any suggestions how I could possibly bring up the subject with her? :/ I don't know how I could start it...
Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
How about something like, "As you know, while I'd love to be able to be sexual, I've been having a lot of trouble with that lately and have been very triggered, pretty much all time time. I think you know that's not about you or my feelings for you, but just in case, please know that.

But I also need to be honest and say that I feel so bad about not being able to be sexual with you the way I want to that there have been times I've been triggered that I have been hiding from you. I'm really sorry to have done that, and hope you know it's not because I don't trust you or don't want to be honest, it's more that, probably in part because of my history, I have a hard time saying no, but also because I'd really like to say yes.

But right now, it's me I don't trust to be truthful and honest and to say no or stop when things feel bad for me, so I'd like to take you up on your offer to just take a break from sex right now, and keep on it until I get some professional help dealing with all of this and make progress to a point where I do feel differently, including feeling able to say no or stop and able to be honest when I'm being triggered."

?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67932 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thank you. That sounds really good. I am going to try and talk to her about it now...hopefully I will be able to get it out :/
Thanks for all your help, I know I tend to be a difficult person to deal with:/
I will let you know how it goes...

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So, I am talking to her. And she agrees that taking a break would be the best thing for me right now, and for our relationship. But now I am feeling bad for doing this, that it is my fault that I am taking this away from the relationship [Frown]

There is one thing that she expressed concern about though, cause there are times where I have mostly initiated it or lead on about it...and in the past we have tried to take a break and she knows that she should tell me to stop, that I can't do this right now...but she doesn't cause she wants it and/or she is doesn't want me to end up getting upset with her. (Cause there was one occasion where I was initiating it and that she tried to stop me and I ended up getting upset at her :/ I think cause I was trying to prove that I was alright, that this wasn't affecting me. I tend to think that if I can get through it then it means that I am alright :/ )

Do you have any advice for her, or both of us to be able to make it work out alright?

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Have you set a hard limit on sex for now?

In other words, you both agree that NONE is going to be happening for a while, no matter who may backslide and initiate sex. The answer will always be no.

It sounds like something you'll need to do is assure her that you won't get angry with her for holding that line and do your own work on avoiding that. If and when you feel angry or upset, figure out some way to manage those feelings. This is another one of those things where you have control, you just need to take it and commit to it.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67932 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah, we decided that we need to take a break and we will revisit the subject if/when i start getting better and go from there. But for now that it is best that we don't do anything (other than like cuddling and stuff if I am alright with it).

I told her that I will try my best not to get angry or upset with her if she needed to hold that line. That that will be something I will work on. I usually just get upset because either I am in a mood where I feel like if I can do it and get through it alright then I am fine, and her stopping it doesn't allow me to do that. Or I get upset cause I start thinking that she doesn't want me and I am just too...damaged.

I just feel really guilty about doing this. I feel like I am being selfish...and that she deserves what ever I can give her for putting up and dealing with me all the time (which hasn't been an easy task i am sure). And I guess right now I am just feeling really confused about everything. I feel like my brain is still thinking that it is just something that is required of me...but then I have conflicting ideas from you...and her that it is best to not do anything...

And I think another part of it is is that I have a really hard time with our relationship...since its...girl/girl. I just never grew up knowing about anything like that...and I am just still a little uncomfortable with it. And I guess part of me feels like taking this off the table will make it seem like we are just friends again, and not together...idk. Like I said this is just another thing I am totally confused about and struggling to deal with...I struggle thinking that our relationship is really alright and there is nothing...wrong with it i guess :/

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Can you consider that in a whole lot of what is going on right now, you are giving your partner opportunities to care for you, to build really deep trust and intimacy in your relationship, and to have the chance to be supportive for you when you're in a bad place, something I expect you'd also want to do for her if and when she ever needs the same thing?

Because those aren't minor things in a relationship: they are super-major, and in a lot of ways, can provide deeper intimacy than sex can, or at the very least, just as much intimacy.

A lot of people forget that part of the deal with a sex life and intimacy is that it's not just something that can happen when we ARE having sex, but something that can happen when we aren't, with how we handle the whole of our sex life with someone, which also will always involve times anyone doesn't want to be sexual, or when being a certain kind of sexual isn't the right thing.

Something else you might want to think about is your motivation for sex. If it's about proving you're normal and not "damaged," that's actually really totally about you, not about your partner at all. You get to feel how you feel, and that's okay, but if and when we know sex is only or mostly about us and not the person we'd be having sex with, it's usually not very cool to be having sex with that person, since what's going on is probably a whole lot more like masturbation, if you catch my drift.

Your last paragraph has some much bigger questions in it. We can talk about those if you want, but I think it might be helpful to start by asking if you think that men and women who are couples are no longer couples if and when they're not having sex. Maybe additionally you might want to think about how many aspects there can be to any relationship, and that they don't have to be in compartments. In other words, couples who are together a long time usually ARE friends as well as romantic partners, lovers, co-parents...whatever else is part of their mix. being friends with someone doesn't mean not being lovers with them, and we're not only lovers, when that's part of our relationship, at the times we're having sex. Know what I mean?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67932 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah, I can understand what your saying about giving her opportunities for us to develop a closer bond. The thing is...she has basically been doing all of those things for almost three years now. I think it's kind of what started the relationship in the first place. After we graduated high school (we were friends for like sex years before already) she started to get me to talk with her and started to realize that I was having a hard time. When I got to college she pushed me into go to the counseling center. Weeks later I found out why she pushed me to go, she really thought that I had depression. And she had me bring it up in counseling and the counselor agreed, and had for a little while she just knew that I was really ready to hear that. (I still don't think I am ready to hear that.) Then a few months later, by accident, I let something slip to her about the memories with my cousin. And then a few months later we started exploring our relationship. So she has been taking care of me for a long while. And I just feel really selfish if I just totally let her take care of me and support me. although I also have issues with trust and I often get scared when I am getting close to someone and want to run before i get hurt :/ Would it be selfish to just totally let her take care of me all the time?

I don't know if my motivation for it is always to try and prove I am not damaged, but I have in the past. And I understand the concept, it is more like that cause you are only doing it for yourself and not the other person involved and that sex is about both people. Kind of really makes me feel bad for doing that to her though. But I think most of the time I am doing it cause I feel like I have to and that I need/want to please her because she does so much for me all the time.

Yeah, we can talk about those, if you don't mind. I kind of get what you are saying. And I don't know if would think of it differently if it was a man and a woman...i think if it was that i was with a man in the same situation i might think kind of the same :/ I think it's the situation and the fact that I realize it may be a long time before we do anything if we are able to stick to it. But I guess maybe what it is is that I don't really know what it's supposed to be like to be in a relationship...this is my first one (as well as her first as well). And I think being so uncomfortable with being with another woman like this just makes everything worse...like more difficult to deal with cause I am having a hard time thinking that it is okay for me to be with another woman. (Which is weird cause I am pretty okay with other people like that)

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think that no matter what, it's clear that you need to start taking better care of yourself, period, and taking more steps on your own to do that. we all need help, for sure, and part of letting the people who love us love is is letting them help.

But there's a balance between help and support and dependence we always want to watch out for. So, if you think you've been overstepping it, then for sure, you want to try and remedy that, for your partner, for your relationship, but also for yourself. Just one more good reason to take positive risks in getting unstuck from the places you've felt stuck in. [Smile]

I don't think it's sound to do "supposed to's" with interpersonal relationships. Relationships, like the people in them, are incredibly unique. I think the sounder tactic is just to assess what people in them want and need, what works and doesn't.

I also think it's super-important to always leave room for the fact that relationships tend to shift, change, evolve over time. Maybe you two won't always be in a romantic relationship: maybe this will or might become more of a platonic friendship. If that turns out to be what works best or is right for both of you at a given time, would that be a problem? If so, can I ask why you'd think so?


If you feel uncomfortable being with a woman or this partner in any regard, you're going to need to make sure, again, you're not doing anything you do feel uncomfortable with. That's important for everyone, but particularly when it comes to sex and sexual abuse/trauma survivors, it's so, so vital to avoid doing anything sexually that you don't really want for yourself and that you don't feel comfortable with. That sets healing back.

I know that it can be hard to even figure out what those things are sometimes, but the best you can do is to try and just go with your gut.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67932 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I am just not used to letting anyone in, letting anyone support me or help me. So it's just been proved really hard for me lately to actually let that happen. I am used to doing things alone, but i know and have been told many times that I don't need to so all of this alone anymore...and that it would be better if I didn't do it alone.I just struggle a lot with life :/

I was just wondering what exactly you mean by platonic friendship? maybe that will help me answer the question you are asking.

Also, if you don't mind, can I ask another question...it is probably stupid...but I am going to just go for it. Why is it so important for...survivior's ( i can't even use the terminology :/ i know I am ridiculous...) don't do anything they may not be totally comfortable with?

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Platonic = nonsexual.

I'll shortcut and sum up with this for now. If you want to know more, have you gotten your hands on any of those books I suggested for you yet? If not, I really think you should get started on that, especially if you won't be starting counseling for a while.

Why it's so important for survivors (it is for everyone, mind) not to do anything sexual we don't want or aren't comfortable with is that doing that creates trauma and problems with sexuality. When we've already been traumatized in that way, it adds trauma to trauma and also keeps us from healing well, especially since if doing things we don't want to do sexually becomes something WE do and create ourselves, we may have no shot at all at a healthy sex life. In other words, recreating nonconsensual sex when we DO have a choice basically keeps us in a cycle of nonconsensual sex, rather than truly consensual, healthy sex.

Make sense?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67932 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah. I might be okay with the idea. She probably wouldn't be. She really wants our relationship to work. And she is willing to wait for me to get through everything.

I haven't gotten the books u suggested yet. Cettas aunt gave me a book along the similar idea though a while ago. I just stopped reading it cause I was having a hard time at one point.

Yeah. I guess that kind of makes sense. I just have a hard time believing I actually have a choice.

I have another question. What if we end up having trouble keeping the whole agreement for a break again?

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I have a question to add...something I just thought of. I don't know if you will be able to answer it or not. Is it really possible for me to get better from all of this? To heal from what happened? And to end up in a place where I can feel like...being sexual is okay and isn't wrong?

(And I just wanted to say thanks for talking to me with all of this. I really appreciate it. I have really been struggling lately :/ And have been having a hard time with sleep and nightmares [Frown] )

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yes, it is absolutely possible for you to heal from sexual trauma or abuse. Many of us have done it, and many of us got to a place where being sexual felt good, even great. It just tends to take a good deal of effort over time: it's rarely instant or quick. But the good news is that once you get there, the journey there looking back tends to feel like it happened a whole lot faster than it did.

With your "what if" about your agreement to take sex off the table, that's a conversation to have together and make agreements around. Mind, I'd not sabotage this from the start, because if you two both take that agreement very seriously, it shouldn't be hard for at least one person to always hold that line. But part of making agreements with a partner well includes talking about how you'll handle pushing or breaking those agreements.

And you're so welcome. I know all too well what it's like to struggle in things like this in silence and unsupported, and it's something I'd never want anyone to have to do.

I won't be at the boards the rest of the day or tomorrow, have some writing to finish and then a metric buttload of tax paperwork, and Saturday is the one day a week I try to give myself off. But I'll be around again on Sunday. I hope your talks with your partner go well. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67932 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Our talks have gone alright. She seems pretty serious about taking a break. She really thinks that this is the best thing for both of us and our relationship right now. She apparently had been having a hard time with it to because even though she would kind of enjoy what we were doing she would feel guilty afterwards knowing that I don't/can't get much out of it and that it can sometimes cause me to feel worse. We haven't talked about the "what if's" yet, but I am going to try to have us talk about it at some point.

I guess I just have a hard time seeing how I could get to a place where it is all okay for me, that I could ever get to a place where being..sexual would be at all alright never mind having it feel good or anything. I guess I just don't have a whole lot of hope right now :/

I don't even know what really happened to me. I don't know what to even call it...not that i would be able to actually call it anything myself or say any of it out loud :/ I was wondering, would it be okay if I try and describe a little of what I might remember? I don't know why...maybe you could help? Since you have been so amazing to me already...(which i can't thank you enough about. i am always worried that i am too much of a burden on someone...and that i should go back to the way things were when i hadn't told anyone about this...that people shouldn't waste their time on me :/)

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Heather help...i just need to know Im not alone [Frown]

I don't know what to do. :'( This is all so hard. I feel completely alone (since I have no friends that have been willing to stick by me here at school with all of this, and truthfully i can't blame them. i wouldn't want to be with me either [Frown] )I don't know how or if I can get through this...

And I am starting to think about the memories and wonder what really happened and I just don't know and I feel so confused...

I just feel like there is so much...and feel like a complete failure cause I am struggling so much [Frown]

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hey there, I'm sorry that you haven't had any responses. I've been very sick the last few days, so I haven't been able to be here.

I'm just finally starting to turn around, but I'm still very groggy and have a bunch of administrative work I have to get caught up before I can get to the boards. I'd also hate to talk about anything this big when my brain is still running on fumes.

So, I'm glad to talk with you, and if you want to disclose some things here, that's absolutely fine, but I just may not be able to respond until later today or tomorrow morning.

If that doesn't work for you, how about calling your partner's aunt? Or the RAINN hotline, at 1-800-656-HOPE?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67932 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah, I noticed your post earlier saying you were sick. Hope you feel better soon, I know I hate being sick. I don't tend to be very good at allowing others to help me out/take care of me so I end up just suffering through being sick.

If you want to wait till you are feeling a little better that is alright. Maybe the time will help me get the courage to try and write some of it out :/ ( I don't know why it is so hard/scary though since it's not like I haven't told anyone before, my partner and her aunt know most of what happened.) I kind of want to try though to get your...perspective on it. But I don't want to bother or annoy you either :/ I know you are probably super busy and being sick is probably making it worse.

I have been emailing with my partner's aunt. I am actually usually constantly emailing her. And like everyone else, I feel like I am bothering/annoying her and that no one can handle me :/ There have been many times I have tried to reach out to people and try and talk to people that I kind of wanted support from...but it just never worked out and ended in me usually not hearing from them much after that [Frown] (sorry for the rant...)

hope you feel better soon. if it is alright with you, i might try and disclose some stuff a little later, since you wouldn't be able to respond till later today or tomorrow anyway and i am pretty tired. i haven't been able to sleep well lately...i hate nightmares [Frown]

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
No worries: for real, my slowness in response was only about being sick, as is my letting you know I'd probably still be slow for another day or so. I assure you, it's nothing to do with you being a bother or an annoyance or an inability to handle you. By all means, I have limits, too, around a whole bunch of things, but if and when I have them, I'm usually very good about putting them out there directly.

So again, if you want to try writing some of this out here, go right ahead. I'd just make sure that since you feel so scared about that, that you also have someone else for support you know you can call or talk to otherwise when you write it out in case it leaves you feeling shaken, okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67932 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I totally understand that your slowness in response was/is because you are sick. And I also understand that you have limits (although i tend to have a hard time with always being totally logical about that sometimes, so I am sorry if that happens. i don't mean it. just one more thing that i need to add on to the list of things i need to work on :/ ). You being able to put them out there though will hopefully help.

And I am always usually in constant contact with my partner. We are always IM'ing, texting, something unless one of us can't get away with it in a class or meeting or something. Currently we are actually IM'ing. lol. And I know that if I was in trouble/having a really hard time she would try her best to get out of class and call me. I don't know what I did to deserve her, but she is super supportive in all of this and is willing to do anything she can to help me and get me better. Even waiting the long amount of time it will probably take me to get over most of this and actually start to truly be better.

I guess I do tend to have a hard time knowing what is going to affect me, to know what my limits are. I think most of it is because I think that it shouldn't be affecting me, and also being new to all of this and not knowing what will be difficult for me or even what my feelings usually are since I have blocked off all feelings for most of my life.

But what do you mean when you say "feeling shaken?" (idk why i am asking, so sorry if it's a weird question. just felt like asking i guess)

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm so sorry: I so shouldn't have said out loud I was on the med. Seems only a couple hours after I did, my fever came back. So, I may well not be available again all day. It's just too hard to be bleary-headed and serve people well.

What I meant by shaken was that voicing/writing any of this for the first time is a very big deal, and clearly something you're very scared of. Now, those fears might be unfounded, and it may be you feel better after finally taking the cork out of the bottle, but you also may find you feel upset. So, I just wanted to make sure you had some extra supports lined up (especially since I may not be able to respond myself for a while).

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67932 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Awww...im so sorry that you are getting worse again. By all means don't worry about responding to me. You should get your rest so hopefully you can get better soon :)And I understand if I don't hear from you for a little while. It's no problem.

And I am thinking although I know that writing about it may make me end up upset, since I have only done it three times before (all have been through writing as well, texts with my partner although at that time she wasn't my partner yet but very close friends, email with her aunt, and had to write a note talking about it to my counselor and hand that to her cause i couldn't say it aloud...i don't know if i could ever talk about this out loud). But I think I am also kind of scared about your reaction/perception of it and what you will have to say about it.

If you want I can try and wait till you are feeling a little better to try and write about it. Would that be better?

Hope you can get some rest and feel better soon.

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So I don't know if/when you will be able to read this. And I don't want to pressure you to either cause I know you aren't feeling good and you should definitely be resting. But I kind of want to...try and do this while I kind of have a little courage to...Sorry if I ramble...im not used to telling anyone about this...and struggle to find the right words and have a hard time actually using certain words cause I am not totally comfortable with the whole subject and stuff. So...here it is (as much as I can get out for now)

I was with my cousin in his room. I don't remember where they lived, but I can remember his room. It was in a like a basement almost. I was done there with him and I was playing his supernintendo while he was i think reading a magazine or something like that. And at one point i think he asked me if I wanted to play a different game or something. I think he said we were going to play...doctor or something like that :/ And after that I remember that we had our clothes off...and it was like we did a whole mirroring thing almost. He touched me...down there and would have me touch him. And he made me put...him in my mouth....and i can just remember that going for a while...and i think he eventually...put it around down there....and it kind of gets fuzzy after that...and not really sure what totally happened after that...although i think i remember pain...down there (which i feel like i can feel now [Frown] )It's all so fuzzy though...and its kind of frustrating. All that I remember after that is i ended up back playing video games and his mother, my aunt, came down soon after that to see how we were and told him to keep his door open....

Idk. It probably isn't that bad. I probably make a bigger deal about it than i should. Maybe it was really nothing....i am still not even sure if it really happened...it's hard since its just memories from maybe fourteen years ago ( i don't even really know how old i was, just know i was pretty young and my counselor thinks it was around then based on other memories and different things)and the memories are so fuzzy.

Im sorry for writing this while you are sick and stuff. I just figured while I had the courage to write it...i should. hope you feel better soon.

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Stephanie_1     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Orcatrainer: I know Heather let you know this morning she wasn't doing so well, but we just wanted to check in on you and see how you were doing,and to let you know we're all here for you. Also, since you've chatted with Heather most if you want to wait for her to talk some about this that's fine, but we'd also be glad to talk with you some in the meantime if you'd like or just need some support. Just to add? I want to let you know how brave and strong you really are to share what happened here. Hang in there <3

--------------------
"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3426 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah, thanks for checking in on me. I am struggling, but hanging in there. It's hard putting that all out there. And I really wish Heather wasn't sick while I did this so I didn't have to wait for a response, but I just felt like if I didn't do that now then I was going to chicken out later. So now I am just nervous about her response and dealing with everything now that I told.

And I certainly don't feel brave or strong [Frown]

Thanks for the concern

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Stephanie_1     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It's understandable that you would feel nervous. When I posted on the boards originally Heather was the first to respond to me, and it took me a LONG time to open the post because I was afraid of what she had said. But while that's a totally valid feeling,you'll find soon enough you don't need to be worried - she's an AMAZING person and really is in support of all of the people she works with here.

I'm really sorry to hear about what happened with your cousin. It's understandable some of this is a bit fuzzy,and that's totally normal. But you're not making a bigger deal out of anything than you should, your reactions and feelings about what happened are totally valid. And while you may not feel brave or strong right now, you really are amazingly brave and strong. Know too, if you're having trouble dealing with feeling having talked/posted now, we're all here for you in anything you need.

[ 04-19-2011, 08:54 PM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

--------------------
"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3426 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah, I kind of feel the same way with being nervous about what Heather is going to say. Like I really want to read what she has to say...but yet scared at the same time. but the short time we have talked i already see that she is an amazing person. Most of the people I have tried to reach out to couldn't seem to handle me and ended up disappearing on me.

I don't even know if the memories are real. And I feel like there is no possible way for me to determine if it really all happened or not. Everything is only between me and him. And I just feel like even if it did happen, it's not like it was that bad. so many people have gone through a whole lot worse.

Thanks for being here :/

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Stephanie_1     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, just know we're not going to turn and run away on you. What I will say is it's really likely to make things tougher on yourself by looking at things in terms of who may have been through what and then saying about others having been through a whole lot worse. One thing we always say is to look at other people's experiences as different, not better or worse. It doesn't make what you've been through any less valid, or any less difficult to work through.

--------------------
"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3426 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
yeah. thanks. unfortunately at this point i feel like i can't believe that people won't leave me. :/

Yeah, I am just having a really hard time accepting any of this. But yet I seem to be affected by it [Frown] And I am just struggling so much and I just don't know what to do anymore.

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Stephanie_1     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Not sure what time it is where you are, but considering this is a lot to handle in one day, it may be a good idea to spend a little time for yourself. Spending some time doing relaxing things you like that feel good. Like taking a bubble bath, painting your nails, maybe watching some of a favorite movie or reading from a favorite book, maybe even a little yoga. Things that will help you relax before it's time to crawl into bed, get a good night's rest.

--------------------
"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3426 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orcatrainer
Activist
Member # 61493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orcatrainer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I am in the same time zone as you probably. lol. I live in New England. So it is almost eleven.

And I am trying to write in my journal right now. Hoping it will help. I haven't been getting a whole lot of sleep lately, keep either having nightmares, which makes me scared to sleep or when i close my eyes I see his face. I have been sleeping more during the day then the night lately.

Thanks for checking in on me and caring. Hope you sleep well too. Thanks for the talk.

Posts: 82 | From: US | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
  This topic comprises 4 pages: 1  2  3  4   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3