Um ok so as the subject says my stepfather molested me from the age of 4 (when him and mum got together) untill I was 12. The only reason he stopped was because he was being taken to court by another girl for rape. He made my brother lie for him in court so he got off. But this scared him and he stopped touching me.
I mentioned to mum that he showed me some dirty videos and she ripped the videos apart and threw them out. He was so manipulative toward her that he actually made her feel bad for destroying the videos!
I then had to live with this guy until I was 18, watching him emotionally abuse and manipulate my mother. I'm not blaming my mum for any of this. If it werent for her I would be more of a wreck today. But, I sometimes can't help but feel like blaming her and yelling at the top of my lungs that no one noticed, even though a lot of signs that something wrong was happening to me during these years were there.
I also found out recently that he had touched one of my older brothers once. This made me more angry than him molesting me. Even though he touched me on a regular basis and my brother only once, this made me sick and I really got very very angry.
I've always had anger issues and would take it out on my peers by hitting them and screaming at them. Thankfully I'm only small and I didn't hurt them physically. But obviously they didnt like me.
I haven't had any help with this yet, honestly I haven't thought about getting proffesional help until I got with my current boyfriend. I thought I had gotten through my troubles with this man on my own. But when I started having sex, problems started coming up!
At first it was fine, then slowly I couldnt bring myself to do things. I'd remember stuff from what he would do while in the bedroom with my boyfriend and it wasnt always only to do with sex, it was habits and traits.
My problem now though is I'm at this point where I hate sex. I like it when I'm doing it and its fine. But in between times I can't stand the look of guys genitals and the thought of sex makes me squirm.
I'm a very open person and it was incredibly hard to admit this to my boyfriend when he pressed me about what was wrong.
Just to add, my boyfriend is absolutely brilliant and very patient with me, even through his frustration.
I need to know how to get past all this so I can be a real girlfriend to my partner and I can take some of the load off him!
I try not to let my stepfather rule my life anymore, but its so hard since what he has done to me and my family, which goes beyond me getting molested, he was controlling and manipulative and very emotionally harming. I don't want to think about him anymore! I want it all gone, and to be normal.
I know I need proffesional help and I am going to seek that as soon as possible. But in the mean time, is there any advice you have for me.... Or even just to listen to my story. Since I've barely told anyone.
My mum told my dad since I couldnt even say I was molested only imply it. To say the word even hurts. Why does this have to be so hard?!
I am taking this guy to court also, because I can't stand the thought of this happening to anyone else!
I really hope this made sense
-------------------- Rhi xo Posts: 1 | From: Australia, NSW | Registered: May 2011
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I'm so sorry to hear how hard things have been for you so far.
It sounds like you've already come a long way and are taking good care of yourself. I agree that some professional help would be very beneficial to you at this point. At a crisis counseling center you would also be able to get some information about pressing charges, if that's a route you want to take.
In the meantime, one thing I would suggest is that you take a break from sexual activity. I hear you when you say that it's fine when it's happening, but if you're having so many negative thoughts around sex, it's best to give yourself some time, first, and develop a healthier relationship with your sexuality.
Do you know how to find a counseling center near you? If not, you can let us know your location and we can take a look for you. (You can also send us that information via the "contact us" button, if you'd rather not post it here.)
-------------------- Johanna Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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