Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Hello, update

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Hello, update
xneed2knowx
Activist
Member # 30216

Icon 1 posted      Profile for xneed2knowx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I don't know if this is the correct place to write but nonetheless I hope it finds you all well. I know it sounds silly seing as we are online but I have thought of you and writing here many times.

If you recall I left my partner and moved back to Fort Worth. I don't know what came over me but I basically kept myself in a bedroom with the lights off and a bottle of vodka. It's like I lost all ability to function period. Here I was away from an abusive partner, finally in a healthy environment, and given this amazing opportunity to better my life - and I couldn't move.

I had daily threats from him on the computer (his only way of reaching me). It was almost bizarre how I'd rush over to it seeing if there was anything new. Like a drug. His continuous badgering of me was like air. Once the messages were read I kept myself in this dark room. Thank goodness for a good friend who helped emensly with my children.

Anyway one day I decided that I needed to go back. I needed SOMETHING/anything familiar. I hated depending on people and I wasn't able to cope there for some reason. I loaded the kids and suitcases into the car once again and headed back to our old town. My stomach was in knots the entire way. My mind tortured me with various scenerio's - find him and beg for forgiveness or start over.

I ultimately chose to start over. I took out a loan (which I will be paying back for ages to come) and got the utilities, rent, phone, gas, etc up to par. We had a home again and I had no idea where he was. Why am I here and he not?

Well I found out that he left to Houston (where his family is). There is no way of finding him there and that is relieving. We're making it on our own, although quite scarcely.

I've got a minimum wage job that I will just leave nameless for privacy sake. I've started counseling and they have recommended me to a psychiatrist. It's okay, I feel like a burden but that is there job after all. They have me on Paxil, Buspar, and Klonopin. So far no changes except exhaustion but hopefully time will assist with that.

The only thing that's probably the biggest disappointment would be that I have started cutting again. Nothing serious, not trying to off myself or anything - just some cuts along my arms and legs - enough to bleed, that is all. I need to see that sometimes. My mind goes places that haunt me so I'd rather feel pain elsewhere no matter the cost.

I've discussed this with the counselor, but not the psychiatrist yet. I see him again Tuesday and her on Wednesday.

The children seem well and unaffected by this whole mess if you can believe it. They say that kids are resilient and it's really true. My 5 year old loves school and learning to write his letters and my 2 year old is beginning the potty training phase (without much success).

My 5 year old asks where his Daddy is. Sometimes we'll be eating dinner and he'll say, "I wonder what my dad is eating." Things like that...breaks my heart for him.

I guess that's it for now. Sorry to let you all down and come back, but at least I didn't come back to HIM, right?

[ 11-28-2010, 08:12 PM: Message edited by: xneed2knowx ]

Posts: 283 | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think I can speak for more than myself when I say that you so have not let anyone down. [Smile]

So great to hear from you. I know you're not exactly doing well yet, and have some setbacks, but I'm so glad you're on your own, you remain out of abuse, and you're working on making your own life. I'm also really glad to hear you're in therapy.

But most of all, just so glad to hear from you!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm glad to hear from you, too!

And you know, it may not feel like it to you yet, but you've already taken some huge steps. This stuff is NOT easy, but you've gone and left an abusive relationship, and you are out on your own and taking care of yourself and your family.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
xneed2knowx
Activist
Member # 30216

Icon 1 posted      Profile for xneed2knowx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks to both of you. I've been avoiding coming here because I thought it would be a huge disappointment to those who have encouraged me along the way.

I'm making it though, on my own - without him. So I suppose that's saying something. Maybe there is a little strength in me after all.

Counseling isn't near as bad as I thought it would be. It was just really casual at first - not the way I had envisioned at all. We talked like we had just met and were getting to know each other. We've dove in a little deeper now and perhaps that's why my cutting has increased or maybe it's an entirely different issue altogether.

They tricked me and my counselor forced me to go to the school health clinic/and private practice. I was angry at first but they didn't condone me. They just sutured up a couple of the cuts, put ointment on them, bandaged them up, gave me a tetnus shot, and a prescription for antibiotics. My counselor sat beside me the whole time and said she didn't do this to scare me or get me into trouble, she did it to make sure that I wouldn't get sick. She told me that she was honored to be there...not sure if I believe that one yet.

I guess I understand why she took me over there though.

They have helped in so many ways. I go to school half the day and work half the day. I only make minimum wage. I barely pay my bills - in fact most of them have past due notices on them right now. Our fridge was bare and although I hadn't said anything yesterday I went into counseling and they had bought 4 bags of groceries for us. They are so awesome and now I don't have to worry about my kids.

I'm going to school, working, got out of an abusive relationship, being a single mom - I guess that really is something to be proud of.

[ 12-04-2010, 12:39 PM: Message edited by: xneed2knowx ]

Posts: 283 | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
xneed2knowx
Activist
Member # 30216

Icon 1 posted      Profile for xneed2knowx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The only thing that isn't exactly ideal in my mind is that they've got me on a crap load of mediciation.
Posts: 283 | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You're not a disappointment, I promise you. All of us who work here at ST have been doing it long enough to know how incredibly hard it is to get out of an abusive relationship. A lot of us even have experiences of our own with abusive relationships, so we know first-hand how difficult it is to get out. It's a long road, and there are setbacks along the way, and it's never easy. So, please don't worry about disappointing us, okay? We're here to help you along the way. No judgment.

I'm glad to hear that therapy has been such a positive experience for you and that you have found such a wonderful counselor.

Is there anything that we can do for you here? Would you like to talk about your feelings regarding the meds you are on?

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
xneed2knowx
Activist
Member # 30216

Icon 1 posted      Profile for xneed2knowx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I just feel like it's too much and I'm not noticing any changes other than being a bit tired.
Posts: 283 | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karybu
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 20094

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karybu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
How long have you been on the meds? A lot of anti-anxiety and antidepressant medication can take several weeks, even a few months, to fully take effect. If you feel like you're on too much, though, that's definitely something to bring up with your psychiatrist or the healthcare provider who prescribed these medications for you.

--------------------
"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

Posts: 5799 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Nightshade
Activist
Member # 45255

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Nightshade     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I just wanted to drop by and let you know I'm so glad to hear you are still out there, and still making progress. Karybu is right about the medication as well, these kinds of things can take time to assimilate. Though it is worth mentioning to your psychiatrist any concerns you might have, they are there to help you.

I hope things continue to get better, and I'm still here rooting for you.

Posts: 43 | From: Raleigh, NC | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
xneed2knowx
Activist
Member # 30216

Icon 1 posted      Profile for xneed2knowx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you all.
Posts: 283 | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
xneed2knowx
Activist
Member # 30216

Icon 1 posted      Profile for xneed2knowx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm scared.
Posts: 283 | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Fill us in?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
xneed2knowx
Activist
Member # 30216

Icon 1 posted      Profile for xneed2knowx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think they have me taking too much medicine and they just added another one zyprexa where the user reviews say they all gain weight. I'm so afraid of gaining weight.

I just feel like out of the billion options out there then why this one?

I take over 14 pills a day now.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
xneed2knowx
Activist
Member # 30216

Icon 1 posted      Profile for xneed2knowx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
What I'm getting at is - is this the only way to survive getting out of an abusive relationship? When y'all say to seek help is this the help you refer to? 14 pills a day - hell, I feel nothing...like a walking zombie 24/7.
Posts: 283 | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
That is a LOT of medication, I agree. And no, I would not say being medicated is the only way to survive an abusive relationship.

Are you by any chance able to get a second opinion from a different provider about your medications?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
xneed2knowx
Activist
Member # 30216

Icon 1 posted      Profile for xneed2knowx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Nope, I can only see the 1 provider listed on my insurance. He's got me on so much medicine that I'm zoning out sometimes and struggle to participate in conversations. Mostly it just makes me exhausted all day. I told him and he said it's my body getting used to the medication and that it takes time and it will get better.
Posts: 283 | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
How long have you been on all of these pills? Has he said anything about how long it will approximately take until you begin to see any positive results? Maybe you can strike a compromise and wait it out a little longer, and if there is no improvement, talk about reducing the medication or trying a different treatment.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
xneed2knowx
Activist
Member # 30216

Icon 1 posted      Profile for xneed2knowx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I've been on them about 5 weeks. He just keeps adding more and upping dosages. I don't want to have to take this many pills for the rest of my life, I just want to feel better...sigh.
Posts: 283 | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so down. But I can assure you that you will not be taking this many pills for the rest of your life: pills cannot make you feel better in the long run. What they can do is take away some of the anxiety and the immediate symptoms so that you can be in a better frame of mind for dealing with the causes and healing.

And it sounded to me like you have a pretty good rapport with your counselor and were feeling like you were getting somewhere with the counseling.

So, as hopeless as the situation may seem to you right now, you are moving forward. It's just not an easy or a quick process.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
xneed2knowx
Activist
Member # 30216

Icon 1 posted      Profile for xneed2knowx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Okay, thanks for the encouragement. I feel better about it now.
Posts: 283 | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time with this. [Frown]

One thing I can suggest, though, for both your counselor and your doctor, is that you see if you can't keep a log of how you're feeling with these meds.

Because really, that is a lot of medication, so having some interactions would not be at all unusual. Having that log and sharing it may help them do their best job in picking your medications and adjusting them accordingly.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
xneed2knowx
Activist
Member # 30216

Icon 1 posted      Profile for xneed2knowx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My doctor made me take a two week break from work and sent a document for me to give to them. The purpose of the break was to get me stable on all the medication. My job said okay and to bring them the release for me to come back. I get the release next week but today they told me my spot had been filled so I guess I'm jobless. Can they do that??

Sigh [Frown]

[ 01-27-2011, 09:34 PM: Message edited by: xneed2knowx ]

Posts: 283 | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Was it a temp job? If not, then have you reviewed the policies of your workplace to find out what they say about sick leave?

(Regardless, if you got let go like this, you can file for unemployment. You may want to do that sooner rather than later. just in case. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with yet another setback.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
xneed2knowx
Activist
Member # 30216

Icon 1 posted      Profile for xneed2knowx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Nope, not a temp job and they told me everything was okay because of the doctors notes. Now they are changing everything saying they had to fill my spot during my two week leave. If I cant go back to work we'll be in serious trouble.
Posts: 283 | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Can you look at your work policies regarding medical leaves?

If you don't have anything printed up you were given when you started work there, is there an HR person you can talk to?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
xneed2knowx
Activist
Member # 30216

Icon 1 posted      Profile for xneed2knowx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
There's no HR person. I'm not sure about work policies I'm just going on what I was told when I handed them the doctors document. They said as long as they had a medical request that my job would be secured. Now that I'm released with a new doctors document they are saying otherwise. Guess I'm just screwed.
Posts: 283 | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think they are culpable here, given that you were given no notice and told you could take your leave and come back to your job.

If you don't have an HR person, and don't have any work policies, this is tricky (and a little shady, really). Who hired you and manages you? That'd be the person to talk to.

But I'd also still go to unemployment regardless first thing on Monday.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
xneed2knowx
Activist
Member # 30216

Icon 1 posted      Profile for xneed2knowx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I guess I haven't worked there long enough to qualify for unemployment. Life just has a way of constantly knocking you down.
Posts: 283 | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3