My ex boyfriend Harley and me had frequent intercourse when we first got together, always using condoms. However, one day we ran out, and we were having other kinds of sex.
I said no to intercourse, because we had no condom. He acted like I was being extremely unfair. This went on for ages and ages. I even went downstairs to find clean clothes but he followed and pulled me back up again, making out he was just playing (we playfought a lot) I tried to make him feel better because I though he'd think I didn't like him anymore. I said 'Aw honey, it would be fine if we had condom.'
Without asking, he tied me to the bed, saying that his ex girlfriend Beth loved that so much she had to be tied up every time, or sex was boring. I didn't protest too much because I thought it muight be nice for the other kinds of sex we could have.
However, he tried to put his penis in my vagina. I was saying things, not firmly, I could never speak harshly to him because he ws so loved, but I was saying things like 'Harley, stop it, crazy boy...c'mon, stop it...don't do that.' We'd been without condoms before, and he's been fine with waiting for vascongestion to leave him.
Then he held his penis to aim it better and I said firmly 'you can't use your hands!' Because I didn't think I was relaxed enough for it to go in without being pushed. He said 'Okay fine and held them behind his back. I relaxed. It went it. Then he took it out, really pleased with himself by the look on his face; he said he liked the risk. I felt livid, and like I didn't have a voice, and wanted you shout 'how dare you?!' However, I didn't say that, he hugged me and I stayed angry, saying 'now I'll have to get EC.' He said we might as well have intercourse anyway if I'm taking EC. I couldn't be bothered with no anymore. We had intercourse.
Later we broke up and and mum and brother stayed friends with him and I kept saying stop all contact with him, please. They said I was being conntrolling and needed to 'get over' that he dumped me. Mum said it wasn't rape because I said it would be yes if we'd have a condom.
This was both rape and reproductive coercion.
You had a boundary (no sex without a condom) and he ignored that boundary. You were vocal about the boundary, explicitly and repeatedly. He tried to talk you into having sex anyway, then resorted to tying you down, and entered you without your consent. When you felt completely silenced and worn down, you gave in. Going along with something when you have been manipulated and coerced into it is not giving consent. It's giving in.
Hiya Joey, thank you ever so much, I hadn't seen that article before, really helpful.
I feel better about it now, that you recognised it as rape. He said it wasn't. I just feel angry, really angry, that even after he left me I was so fixated on him. I was for years afterwards too. But not anymore, he added me on Facebook, and before, I would have like, cried with happiness lol but now I just deleted him.
-------------------- 'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh) Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010
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I'm glad the article has been helpful. Recognizing sexual assault for what it was can often be a pretty empowering moment, especially if you've been told by others before that that's not what it was.
If you want to talk about this further, or if there is anything else we can do for you, just let us know!
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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