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Author Topic: He said he felt bad
WildRice
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Member # 45445

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I'm really confused and nervous.

I was sexually assaulted on New Years. I don't remember it because I was too drunk. I ended up waking up in the laundry of the house I was at without much of a clue except something happened to me. At first I wasn't able to get out of the laundry room, all the doors seemed locked except this one that lead to outside.

I knew from this site that if I was too drunk to remember than I was too drunk to give consent and what ever happened was rape. When I went outside I found the front door. He was standing there. My friend I went to the house with had left the night of the party. I don't remember what I said to him but we ended up agreeing he'd drive me to the skytrain station so I could get back home. That's when he told me we had sex... I still didn't know what to feel. I'm sure I was still drunk while he dropped me off.

Later in the afternoon my friend who hosted the party asked me how I was doing, if I was alright and that the guy who assaulted was feeling bad and wondering if I was okay too. I said I was fine. I didn't know what to think really.

But over the course of a few days things suddenly hit me. My friend who had left the night of the party had seen it happen and finally told me. She got scared, felt helpless and left. I felt scared too. About four days after it happened I went to the police to report what happened.

I'm worried, but because he said he felt bad and was wondering if reporting it was okay. Should I have even gone to the police? Was it okay? I feel really worried now. Did I do something wrong? Should I have just talked with him instead?

I never met him before until that night and didn't think I was going to see him again. I was scared to talk to him so I didn't. I'm really worried... Will I get in trouble?

Posts: 38 | From: Northwest Coast | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm so sorry that someone assaulted you, WildRice.

I'm also so sorry about what happened afterwards: people talking to us that way, being around us again, after they have assaulted us is often doubly traumatic.

(I have to say I also think your friend crossed a big line there telling you he said he felt bad. They may not have meant to, but I'd say that was really inappropriate.)

His saying he felt bad, or feeling bad, does not remove him of responsibility for what he did to you. By all means, reporting was okay, and it's fantastic you were able to advocate for yourself in that way. It takes a lot of strength and bravery to report.

If he honestly felt bad about assaulting you, for real, then he shouldn't have a problem being held responsible. Know what I mean?

You have nothing to get in trouble for. Someone committed a crime against you and you reported a crime.

[ 01-06-2011, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
WildRice
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Member # 45445

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Do you think there's a possibility it would be used against me in court?

I told the police in my statement that he said that. I also told my sister I said that to the police. She told me it wasn't a very good idea to say that to them, but the organization that helped me at the hospital told me to be honest and as detailed as possible.

...I had another question. My friend who seen it happen outright blamed me for what happened to me and told me I wasn't the good person she thought I was. At the same time she said shes there for me and that she loves me and will always be there for me. And would testify if it comes to that.

I brought her to the party because she was going through a rough time with her boyfriend and things at home weren't good. I wanted to be there with her. I cared for her. We made plans before but they didn't seem concrete so I made plans with my other friend the one who hosted the party. Who was also going through a rough time with the passing of a close relative. I decided to bring them together.

I don't know what to do. I apologized... She was asking me too leave the entire time. I didn't. I told her before we started drinking I have a problem with drinking. Once I start I can't stop. She knew it from the last time we drank together.

She told me she's been through a lot and didn't need this right now... Maybe a similar thing happened to her and this triggered her memories? Should I be upset with her? Everyones been telling me to not be friends with her anymore but I don't know... what if it did awaken old wounds and I'm just leaving her when she needs me?

Posts: 38 | From: Northwest Coast | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I don't see how. You knowing he said he felt bad doesn't change the fact that you know what he apparently felt bad about, which was sexually assaulting you.

I don't even know what to say about what your friend said. That's just awful. She's not being a good friend to you at all right now.

If you think she responded the way she did because it triggered her, you can certainly ask her, but at the same time, I'd personally distance myself from someone blaming me for being assaulted. I don't think you have to decide right now if you're going to stay friends or not. You have enough on your plate. But I do think it's wise, in taking care of yourself, to make space between you and anyone who isn't going to help you in healing, but instead give you more you need to heal from, you know?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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