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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » why am i so angry at a cat, and not the abuser?!

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Author Topic: why am i so angry at a cat, and not the abuser?!
B. Adriana
Neophyte
Member # 66741

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so 5 years ago i was abused by a boyfriend for 2 months. after i got out of this really bad relationship i used to cry a lot when i was by myself. i guess for my mom, who has OCPD, my little "episodes" were the last straw for her. a week after the big incident, and about my 4th night of uncontrollable crying, my mom came into my room and said "GOD AGAIN! GET OVER IT!! Stop crying." i can't remember the rest of her speech because i couldn't believe this was coming from my mom. so, like she ordered, i stop crying never got mad. like that i was sad and hurt from what happened to me and the next day i had to pretend like everything was just A-ok.

after that, i'd have burst of emotions for no reason. i'd be sitting in class and just feel really really sad and out of breath. this would go on for a couple of days then go away as fast as it came. i never saw a psychologist or anything after what happened. at one point i asked my mom if i could and she got upset that i had brought it up, so i never asked again.

when i was in college, which was on the other side of the state, i saw a psychologist for the 1rst time because one of my friends who i talked to about my experience said i should give it a try since it was free. we didn't dwell to much on the subject of my abuse, matter of fact i just told her about it she asked 2 or 3 questions and it never came up again. so i've never really dealt with it or known if my "attacks" are caused because of it.

so i've thought about all of this for the past hour because of these recurring actions. my sister-in-laws cat lives in my house because she pretty much doesn't want it is how i see it. so this cat has become a real nuisance, she's always doing things she's not suppose to, so as a result i hit her. and it's not a beating, it's a smack on the behind, and i also do the same thing to my cat who misbehaves as well. the crazy thing is that the cat it pretty much annoying me no matter what. if she's eating my cats food, i get annoyed. if she cries at my door, i get really angry. if she jumps on the couch, i'm mad. if i hear her bell i get mad. and i always get this urge to honestly cause as much pain on her just so i won't get so worked up, but i don't. an hour ago i had to get up to feed both cats. so i'm walking out and i don't see her. as i serve the food she doesn't run to me like she usually does, so i begin to worry a bit because i just heard her, so i go look i'm looking everywhere and become really confused. then i look behind the computer and i see her stupid head and she's hiding. then i get REALLY pissed. when she goes back there she pulls out cords, disconnects the computer modem, drags the router out when she runs from behind the computer and just messes everything up. so i try grabbing her and she's moving out of my reach, and rushes out. so i corner her because she's not suppose to be back there. so i grab her neck and pin her to the floor and smack her twice and push her so she kinda rolled on her back. i guess when she did that she sliced my pinky from nail to the middle and sunk the tips of her claw in the side of my palm. i hadn't noticed til i was in my room. as soon as i felt the pain, all i wanted to do was go get her and hit her as hard as i could. but i didn't i just laid down and tried to go back to sleep but i couldn't because i had so much adrenaline pumping and my heart was just going crazy and all i could think about was hitting this damn cat, it bothered me enough that it scared even me.

why do i always get this need to get all my frustrations out on a damn cat?

Posts: 13 | From: California | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm personally not comfortable talking about the urge to abuse an animal here and things like hitting animals. It's also pretty far outside our scope, to boot.

I'm very sorry your mother wasn't supportive when it came to processing your feelings about having been in and getting out of abuse.

But I feel like this kind of question is one best asked of a therapist. As well, if you want to work through your feelings about your abuse with a therapist and they won't go there, that's likely a signal that therapist isn't a right fit for you and you should seek out another, being sure to ask in a first visit if they will be willing to work through your feelings about your abusive relationship with you, okay?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
B. Adriana
Neophyte
Member # 66741

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alright
Posts: 13 | From: California | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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