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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Molested by my cousin...I need some advice?

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Author Topic: Molested by my cousin...I need some advice?
blush
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When I was 16 my cousin came over from Mexico to live with us for a while. He was having drug problems, alcohol problems, and family problems. It all started with his dad. His father was the one that gave him all these issues and was the one that gave him the drugs and booze. My nuclear family is a very trusting one and not at all dysfunctional like that. So, when he came over my mother tried to help him and my father pitched in. The thing is he was very creepy with me. Like he would just rub my back and sides randomly and talk in a low voice and would stare at me endlessly. The second time he molested me. He was drunk and when I told my friend about this she gave me the ever so helpful advice that it wasn't his fault because he was drunk and that the creepiness and rubbing was all in my head. My other friend reacted much better. I didn't tell my parents because it would have made a HUGE mess.

2 or so years have passed and I am completely over it and only dwell on it occasionally as a passing thought sometimes when I see Special Victims or a cop show. However, his mother might be coming to live with us or near us. The thing is he might end up coming back to because usually when she comes over her kids do to and he is the only one left in Mexico so he might end up coming here. He tried to before but due to his papers couldn't. I don't know if they were fixed or if he is staying with his abusive father because my parents think I hate him with a passion because he is a drug addict and ...thats it.


I'm not afraid. I know how I act when I'm afraid and I'm not. I feel rage. Complete and utter rage because how dare he touch me and such even if drunk. How dare he try sneaking into my room. The only thing I'm afraid of is that I might end up silting his throat in his sleep because of how angry I am at him. I'm seriously afraid of that with how I can be sometimes. I don't forgive pedos. Ever. So, what would your advice be for such a situation? Should I tell my parents only if I know he is coming or not? The thing is Im SO embarrassed and ashamed that I didn't try kicking him out or doing more to prevent it. I guess I was a bit in shock. So, what should I do if I can't tell them and he does come over?

Posts: 60 | From: Windy LittleTown | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Please know that when an abuse or assault happens like this, it's a very, very common response for victims to freeze up. You're right, shock has a lot to do with that. So does fear.

(Also know that being drunk doesn't cause a person to be abusive who would not probably be otherwise. That's a myth, not a reality. And being drunk most certainly does not excuse perpetrating abuse: not legally, not practically.)

I do think that for your own safety and for your emotional well-being, it's probably best to make sure that you do not have to be in any kind of contact with this person.

So, can you think of maybe one one of your parents you think you'd feel the most comfortable disclosing to to start?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Just as a by the way, I always strongly encourage abuse survivors to seek out counseling/support to help with healing. I know you're saying here you're mostly over it, but that's actually pretty unlikely to be something finished so fast, especially without help.

In addition, you've mentioned some things here in other posts of yours that could very well be related to having been abused, as they often are for many people, like feeling unable to say no to people around sexual interest in you. So, some counseling with the aim of helping you in healing could potentially help you with issues like that, as well as with situations like this one.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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blush
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
Please know that when an abuse or assault happens like this, it's a very, very common response for victims to freeze up. You're right, shock has a lot to do with that. So does fear.

(Also know that being drunk doesn't cause a person to be abusive who would not probably be otherwise. That's a myth, not a reality. And being drunk most certainly does not excuse perpetrating abuse: not legally, not practically.)

I do think that for your own safety and for your emotional well-being, it's probably best to make sure that you do not have to be in any kind of contact with this person.

So, can you think of maybe one one of your parents you think you'd feel the most comfortable disclosing to to start?

I don't think I can. I don't know for sure but I think they will just end up blaming themselves and I don't want that. In addition, I feel ashamed of myself. I know its incredible foolish because I never molested anyone and I didn't tell him to do it to me but...I keep feeling ashamed almost like I let it happen. I also feel like I'm blowing it out of proportion because its not like I was raped.
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blush
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
Just as a by the way, I always strongly encourage abuse survivors to seek out counseling/support to help with healing. I know you're saying here you're mostly over it, but that's actually pretty unlikely to be something finished so fast, especially without help.

In addition, you've mentioned some things here in other posts of yours that could very well be related to having been abused, as they often are for many people, like feeling unable to say no to people around sexual interest in you. So, some counseling with the aim of helping you in healing could potentially help you with issues like that, as well as with situations like this one.

I think you might be right in that. I feel a bit like I have to prove it didn't affect me at times. Would you suggest that I go online for self-help (would it be affective too for this type of situation)?
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Heather
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What a given person's journey is in healing is such a very variable thing. same goes for what kind of counseling/therapy tends to work for someone. There are a lot of options, and people are all really different, so there's no one right answer with this. But I'd be happy to help you explore some of those options and try and suss out a good place for you to start for you, if you like.

When it comes to telling your parents, I think it's really important you recognize that you were the one harmed here, and also that they are the parents. They signed on to take responsibility for you in deciding to bring you into the world and be your partners. If they have their own feelings about this, they're adults who can manage them. trying to protect them from those feelings at the possible expense of your safety sounds like nothing any caring parent I have ever met would want.

In fact, THAT sounds like a caring parent's worst nightmare to me, having their kid not do all they could to be safe from abuse to try and spare their feelings.

The other thing to know is that one thing silence about abuse really helps with is increasing shame and keeping shame alive. It's so, so much easier to feel ashamed when we keep our abuse a big secret, and thus, ourselves, in some way, a big secret. When things are more out in the open, feelings of shame tend to decrease immensely. This is part of why talking about abuse is a mainstay of healing from abuse in every approach to healing I know of.

Childhood sexual abuse (which includes abuse in adolescence) of any kind is something that, for most people, is one of the most traumatic things that can happen to a person, and, of many kinds of trauma, one of the kinds which usually has the most far-reaching effects. Acknowledging it happened to you and seeking safety from your abuser is not blowing anything out of proportion. That's simply sound self-care.

[ 06-26-2011, 04:42 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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blush
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
What a given person's journey is in healing is such a very variable thing. same goes for what kind of counseling/therapy tends to work for someone. There are a lot of options, and people are all really different, so there's no one right answer with this. But I'd be happy to help you explore some of those options and try and suss out a good place for you to start for you, if you like.

When it comes to telling your parents, I think it's really important you recognize that you were the one harmed here, and also that they are the parents. They signed on to take responsibility for you in deciding to bring you into the world and be your partners. If they have their own feelings about this, they're adults who can manage them. trying to protect them from those feelings at the possible expense of your safety sounds like nothing any caring parent I have ever met would want.

In fact, THAT sounds like a caring parent's worst nightmare to me, having their kid not do all they could to be safe from abuse to try and spare their feelings.

The other thing to know is that one thing silence about abuse really helps with is increasing shame and keeping shame alive. It's so, so much easier to feel ashamed when we keep our abuse a big secret, and thus, ourselves, in some way, a big secret. When things are more out in the open, feelings of shame tend to decrease immensely. This is part of why talking about abuse is a mainstay of healing from abuse in every approach to healing I know of.

Childhood sexual abuse of any kind is something that, for most people, is one of the most traumatic things that can happen to a person, and, of many kinds of trauma, one of the kinds which usually has the most far-reaching effects. Acknowledging it happened to you and seeking safety from your abuser is not blowing anything out of proportion. That's simply sound self-care.

Thank you for you help. I will think about telling them but I honestly do not see how I could go about doing so. I would like some help finding sites or articles here on some of the options you mentioned.
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Heather
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Well, maybe you're not ready for that just yet. What's your timeline like in terms of when this person may be back around? If it's soon, and you don't feel able to tel your parents before he may arrive, do you feel able to use a way of communicating with him directly, that won't compromise your safety, and telling him he may not contact you or come to your home yourself?

I'm happy to share some links with you, here and elsewhere. In terms of places to start getting help, beyond talking here, are you in the US? If so, do you mind telling me what state you're in? Many states have great organizations and resources which offer healing services for abuse survivors.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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blush
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
Well, maybe you're not ready for that just yet. What's your timeline like in terms of when this person may be back around? If it's soon, and you don't feel able to tel your parents before he may arrive, do you feel able to use a way of communicating with him directly, that won't compromise your safety, and telling him he may not contact you or come to your home yourself?

I'm happy to share some links with you, here and elsewhere. In terms of places to start getting help, beyond talking here, are you in the US? If so, do you mind telling me what state you're in? Many states have great organizations and resources which offer healing services for abuse survivors.

I'm not sure. Probably in a few months if he comes back at all. The thing is my parents are busy so they aren't really paying attention to when his mother (and a high possibility of him though I do hope his papers are messed up still) is coming to live with us. My two other cousins aren't overly concerned on the subject either so I can't get any real info on this. I can't contact them privately either.

I would like some links thank you.
My state is Illinois.

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Heather
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Okay, so there's some time. That's good news. No need to worry about racing to do something you don't feel more ready for, then.

You're in my home state! [Smile]

Here are some links for services in Illinois, followed by some links here and elsewhere that might create a good start for you:
• http://www.dhs.state.il.us/page.aspx?item=31985
• http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=170
• Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/as_a_sexual_abuse_survivor_can_i_only_connect_to_people_sexually
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/im_a_sexual_abuse_survivor_how_do_i_get_okay_being_intimate_again
• http://www.girlthrive.com/
• http://www.rainn.org/get-information/sexual-assault-recovery/self-care-for-survivors

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
blush
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
Okay, so there's some time. That's good news. No need to worry about racing to do something you don't feel more ready for, then.

You're in my home state! [Smile]

Here are some links for services in Illinois, followed by some links here and elsewhere that might create a good start for you:
• http://www.dhs.state.il.us/page.aspx?item=31985
• http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=170
• Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/as_a_sexual_abuse_survivor_can_i_only_connect_to_people_sexually
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/im_a_sexual_abuse_survivor_how_do_i_get_okay_being_intimate_again
• http://www.girlthrive.com/
• http://www.rainn.org/get-information/sexual-assault-recovery/self-care-for-survivors

Thank you very much!! I wouldn't have known where to start if I had done this on my own. [Smile]
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Heather
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No trouble at all. I'm always very happy to help with this, especially as one survivor to another. [Smile]

Just let me know what, if anything else, you need, whether it's talking more about this, suggestions for books, information on the kind of counseling available, whatever.

[ 06-26-2011, 06:23 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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