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Author Topic: Have I forgotten?
Controversy
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I'm not sure if i should really consider this abuse but im confused...

I recently started to remember random things having to do with a certain family related person. These memories started to occur soon after my boyfriend and i started to become sexually active. For some reason i felt extremely uncomfortable when he would attempt to finger me, i want him too, but its like knocking down a mental block that i have in order to "enjoy" it. Each time he goes to do this i get scared, for no reason. I know that he isnt going to violate me, plus im allowing him to do it.

In the memory im alone in the dining room with the man, while everyone else is in the living room doing some activity(this night actually did happen, but i am just now remembering these random moments) Apparently i wasnt allowed to participate so he volenteered to watch me. He suggested a game to play, with paper and toilet paper, where he would wrap it around my body, then i would do the same for him. I keep getting this visual scene stuck in my head where he repeatedly stroked his hand against my vagina (over the pants). Everytime i think about it i get a sick disturbed feeling in my stomach. Its almost to the point where it turns me off sexually. [Frown] I can also remember feeling worried and confused when he was doing it, but was too afraid to speak up.

Are these real memories? I dont understand how i could completely forget about them, and 12 years later remember. [Confused]

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Alice
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Hi LoveandPeace, welcome to Scarleteen.

I can't really tell you if the memories you're having are real or not, I'm not in your head. But, what I CAN tell you is that these memories and feelings are clearly interfering with your life.

So what I'm going to suggest to you is that you talk to a trusted adult (like a school counselor would be a good choice) and find out what your options are per getting some real counseling so you can sort these things out. Something like this is definitely way too difficult to deal with alone.

Is your boyfriend being understanding and considerate when you're getting upset about this? Might be a good idea to lay off of any activity that causes you psychological pain while you get this sorted out.

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Controversy
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quote:
Originally posted by Alice:
Hi LoveandPeace, welcome to Scarleteen.

I can't really tell you if the memories you're having are real or not, I'm not in your head. But, what I CAN tell you is that these memories and feelings are clearly interfering with your life.

So what I'm going to suggest to you is that you talk to a trusted adult (like a school counselor would be a good choice) and find out what your options are per getting some real counseling so you can sort these things out. Something like this is definitely way too difficult to deal with alone.

Is your boyfriend being understanding and considerate when you're getting upset about this? Might be a good idea to lay off of any activity that causes you psychological pain while you get this sorted out.

Okay.. i'll see what i can do, i just feel uncomfortable telling people about this, especially since im just starting to remember it all so recently. With my boyfriend... i havent exactly told him, he just knows that im uncomforable about different things, but i never really give him an answer. I usually just let him do it things anyways, although i dont always enjoy it. (in another post im having trouble about the topic of sex, with my family being against it, and me deciding if im ready or not) should i tell my boyfriend about these memories? i almost think it wouldnt be a good idea for some reason..

Thank you so much for your reply.. [Smile]

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September
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I understand your not wanting to talk about this just yet. That's perfectly fine: these are very private feelings and thoughts, and it can be uncomfortable when you first open up about them.

But I do think that, even if you're not ready to tell your boyfriend what exactly is going on, that you'll want to at least tell him that something is going on. Because if you have certain boundaries, and are letting them be crossed, that's only going to make things worse.

It's never a good idea to engage in sexual activities that you're not into, or that are actively triggering unpleasant memories for you. So, I'd really encourage you to assert those boundaries with your partner, even if you don't tell him the whole story just yet.

Knowing all this, I'd also suggest that you hold off on progressing further sexually until you are in a better place emotionally. Between the disapproval from your family, and your own unresolved issues, it just doesn't sound like now is a good time to progress sexually.

Do you think you can have that conversation with your partner? Can we do anything to help you there?

[ 12-12-2010, 04:06 AM: Message edited by: September ]

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-joey
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Controversy
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quote:
Originally posted by September:
I understand your not wanting to talk about this just yet. That's perfectly fine: these are very private feelings and thoughts, and it can be uncomfortable when you first open up about them.

But I do think that, even if you're not ready to tell your boyfriend what exactly is going on, that you'll want to at least tell him that something is going on. Because if you have certain boundaries, and are letting them be crossed, that's only going to make things worse.

It's never a good idea to engage in sexual activities that you're not into, or that are actively triggering unpleasant memories for you. So, I'd really encourage you to assert those boundaries with your partner, even if you don't tell him the whole story just yet.

Knowing all this, I'd also suggest that you hold off on progressing further sexually until you are in a better place emotionally. Between the disapproval from your family, and your own unresolved issues, it just doesn't sound like now is a good time to progress sexually.

Do you think you can have that conversation with your partner? Can we do anything to help you there?

Okay.. so maybe the next time i see him tell him about the boundaries i wouldnt like to be crossed. I suppose you're right about progressing sexually... its almost like im ready physically but not mentally? Cause i want to do these things, there is just a block of my parents and myself.

I could try and talk to my boyfriend about this.. but how should i start the conversation? I'm a bit confused on what to say, i don't want him to get angry or upset and possibly want more details.. i just don't want him to worry too much.

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September
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I really think it would be a good idea to wait until you are sure you're ready before you go further. And it's perfectly possible to feel like you're physically ready and want sex, but still understand that your external circumstances aren't ideal.

As for talking with your boyfriend, you'll want to find a moment where you two have the time to talk, and where you won't be interrupted. You'll also want to make sure that this isn't something that happens in a sexual setting, so you right after having engaged in sexual activity, or while you're in bed, etc.

You can start with, for example, "there is something that I have been wanting to talk to you about. I want to be honest with you, but this is a pretty difficult subject for me, so I would appreciate it if you could take care to be extra respectful for me in this situation". And then you can explain to him about your boundaries, and answer any questions you feel comfortable answering. You say you don't want him to ask about details, and that's okay, too - you also get to draw your boundaries with what you are and aren't ready to talk about. You'll just want to make sure that you don't block him out, and keep channels of communication open.

This article may also help a little: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

[ 12-13-2010, 02:16 AM: Message edited by: September ]

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-joey
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Controversy
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Okay, so maybe even when we are in the car driving somewhere.. i think that would be good, cause there is no possible way to be interrupted.

Alright.. that helps me alot, that seems like a very good way to start the conversation. Thank you so much, i'll read the article as well, when i have this conversation with him, i'll possibly reply on here with feedback if i need more help [Smile] ..

Thank you

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September
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With having that conversation in the car, I'd just want to make sure that it's a relaxed setting (not crazy city traffic, for example), so that you don't end up endangering yourself. And if it gets intense, do pull over. I absolutely agree that cars can be good places for conversations (after my most recent break-up a couple of months ago, I had an absolutely awesome conversation with my ex partner while driving home from a friend's in the middle of the night), I just want to make sure you are safe.

I hope it goes well for you, and wish you all the best! [Smile]

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-joey
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Controversy
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I'll make sure its a safe ride, when he picks me up on our way to his house its usually a calm ride, thankfully. Aw sorry to hear you broke up, but thats great you had a good conversation [Smile]

and thank you so much!

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Controversy
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hi again.. i know i havent posted here in about 5 days but im having a few issues.

I still havent talked to my boyfriend about this, and i think the wait is making me more nervous about mentioning it to him.. im afraid that if i say it too him that he might take it the wrong way, worry too much, and hate the person who did this to me and start huge family problems. I'm also worried he might take this as a big relationship straine.

I know you have encouraged me to talk to him about this already but i just keep thinking about the negative outcomes that might happen if i do.

This past week these memories are starting to take a toll on me.. i really REALLY didn't think they would, i didn't think what happened to me was such a big deal? When it comes to mind i practically start crying, and just feel extremely upset for the rest of the day. I just think to myself, "how could he do that to me, how could my family let that happen". and i can't even tell my family that it happened.

I'm very sorry for typing so much, i just don't know what to do in my situation right now..

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September
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I'm sorry to hear you're not doing so well, Controversy.

Unfortunately, there is no way for us to predict how your partner will react. But it's safe to say that, if he's a caring and loving partner, he'd rather know where your boundaries are than to keep crossing them unknowingly.

Too, while you cannot control how he reacts, you CAN control what you say to him. So, for example, if you do not want him to focus on the person who did this to you, you can just tell him that you're not comfortable disclosing who did it. That's perfectly okay: you get to decide what you feel comfortable sharing.

But if you really feel that you're just not ready to go there and have that conversation yet, then I'd like to repeat my advice from earlier: I suggest that you at least let him know that something is going on. Because if you continue to let him cross your boundaries, it's only going to make it worse.

And it sounds like it's already getting worse. I wouldn't be surprised if the anxiety and flashbacks you're experiencing now is at least partly because you are psyching yourself out over telling your partner.

Have you ever spoken to a counselor about any of this? It sounds like that would be a really good place for you to start to work through all of this. Can we help you find a counselor?

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-joey
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Controversy
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He is very caring and loving.. and i guess that makes sense, he is also the type of person who likes to know everything thats going on so he can work them out. Alright.. i'll keep some info on the subject unknown if i tell him. and thank you for saying that again, i suppose i could tell him that im just uncomfortable, but i know he'd want to know why.

I havent been able to talk to a counselor, i did ask my mother if she could get me a therapist, i didn't tell her why though, and she said she'd think about it. But that would be great if you could help me find a counselor, im not really sure who to contact..

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September
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A good start may be talking to your mother again.

If you let us know your location, we can look into counseling options for you. If you don't want to post your location on the boards, you can also let us know via the "contact us" button.

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-joey
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Controversy
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Okay, well thank you so much, i'll talk to my mom again and see if she'll get me into therapy, but if it goes wrong i'll give you my location through the contact us button.. thanks again
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