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Author Topic: constant confusion.
lamm9999
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Hello, well I guess I'll just jump right in. Sophomore year I had a boyfriend and after a week of dating he went down my pants while I kept telling him no. A few months ago I went with my sister to her ex-boyfriends dorm. We had a little to drink and he went to far, I told him no sex and he did it anyways even when I continuously said no and stop. I haven't told anyone and now that it's been so long I feel like nobody will believe me :/ I just don't know what to do anymore.
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-Firefly-
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Lamm, I'm so sorry you went through this. I hope you know that it was in no way your fault and that you did not deserve this. We believe you and this is a safe space for you to talk about what happened.

Have you considered (or are you getting) any in-person counselling to talk about your assaults? If not, would you be open to that?

For now, I'll give you the number for the RAINN hotline: 1.800.656.HOPE, and their website for the online hotline: http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/

Besides this, what do you feel you need and what would help you most right now?

[ 11-23-2010, 10:14 PM: Message edited by: blysse_norwood ]

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lamm9999
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I don't know because I can't even bring myself to tell my best friend who knows EVERYTHING about me. I just don't want to tell anyone I feel like they'll think i'm lying or that I wanted to have sex with him and i'm making it up or something :/
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-Firefly-
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It's very common for abuse survivors to have a very hard time telling others about it. You're definitely not alone in that. I'm glad you felt able to start talking about it here though. That's a really good first step.

We can keep talking some more, and/or we can also help you locate other online resources or resources in your area where you can get some help in-person. What would you like?

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lamm9999
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Well I told my best friend (the one i referred to earlier) that I "had sex" because I was a virgin before this, but I can't bring myself to tell him the rest.

Here is fine you are very nice and friendly [Smile]

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Karybu
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It's okay if you don't feel ready to tell your friend what happened; talking about rape, especially for the first time, can be really tough and is something that needs to happen only when you feel comfortable.

That said, it's very likely that you would benefit from talking to someone in person about this as well as here. Would you be open to getting some counseling?

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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lamm9999
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No I don't think I could go to counseling.
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Heather
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Okay. Do you want to keep talking here? We're happy to listen and do what we can.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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lamm9999
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i don't know what you could even do.
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Heather
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Well, let me toss some options out at you then. [Smile]

I'd be happy to give you some books that might help to read, some other websites or support resources.

If you wanted to talk to someone close to you about this, I'd be glad to talk with you about how you can do that or talk through any worries you have about doing that.

I can talk with you about your worries that people won't believe you, maybe unpack any ways in which you're blaming yourself that might be making that seem all the more scary.

Those are just a few possibilities.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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lamm9999
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can you tell me about how to talk to someone and how this isn't my fault i mean i could've screamed or hit or something all i did was say stop and no and ouch.
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Heather
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I can do my best, for sure. Per talking to someone, is there anyone in particular you have in mind you want to talk to right now? If so, can you fill me in on your relationship with them a little?

On this not being your fault... often when I talk to people about this I'll talk about how I know my own assaults weren't my fault, how I know my great-grandmother's wasn't hers, or in some generalities. But often I think it can help most to take it out of context for people, since the context of rape is so personal and so loaded.

Let's say I got hit by a car because while I was walking across on the green light, having the right of way, some jerk decided they were going to try and run a red light. They saw it was turning red: they didn't care, they decided to run it and they did run it, and they hit me.

I wasn't the one in that scenario doing the wrong thing: the person running the red was, and intentionally -- they knew the rules of the road, they knew they were breaking them.

What could I have done to avoid getting hit? I could have left my house earlier or later, crossed a different street, tried to run out of the way...any number of things, probably. But no matter what I did or did not do, that changes in no way the fact that *I* was not the person who ran the red light, and that the reason I was hit was because -- and only because -- that person did that.

Do you get what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lamm9999
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I would be telling my best friend. He is a quiet guy, but he knows everything about me. I've known him since 7th grade and I know he would never tell anyone. He knows about my ex-boyfriend going down my pants when I didn't want him to sophomore year and he knows I cut. I know I can trust him I'm just afraid of telling him, and I'm afraid of his reaction.

Seriously that is the best analogy I've ever heard. It completely makes since to me. I mean it's perfect, but at the same time I know I can't help but think that it's in part my fault.

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Heather
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Knowing in our heads that something isn't our fault doesn't mean we still won't backslide into self-blame in our hearts sometimes, especially when we are just getting started healing. We all live in a world that blames victims incessantly for rape, and so there is a LOT to shake off and unpack, for all of us. Doing that takes time and a lot of effort sometimes.

In the meantime, if that analogy works for you, then when you have these feelings, see if you can't just walk yourself through it again. With things like this, sometimes we just need a lot of repetition and re-affirmation.

So, on telling your best friend. You say he knows that you cut, which is a pretty big thing to tell someone, and something where people can react poorly. How did he do with that? Was he very sensitive? Did he seem able to put aside any ideas he may have had about it and mostly just listen to you and be a support for you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lamm9999
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When I first told him he didn't say anything. Not for awhile actually. He didn't judge me, and he told me if I wanted to talk about it I can. But I don't know how to even bring this up like "heyyy by the way wanna know something?"
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Heather
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Sometimes when we want to tell someone something big and get support it can help to get a good picture of what we're looking from them first. When we have a hold of that, it can be easier to find the words not just to tell, but to set our telling up in a way we feel best about and where the other person gets a clear sense of what we want and need.

Sounds like this could be a good person for you to tell, and that you have reason to think, good reason, they'll be supportive.

So, want to list out what you want out of telling him with me, and what you need, so we can together help you find the words to do that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lamm9999
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Yeah because I don't really know what I'm looking for in telling him. He can't change what happen, what can he do?
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Heather
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Well, what have you gotten out of the kind of conversation you and I have been having so far?

Also, you know you want to tell someone, so can you ask yourself why? I don't want to assign someone else's answers to you, but often when people want to tell it's for reasons like breaking silence so it doesn't have to be a kept secret, getting emotional support, having someone you know is safe to talk to when you're having hard feelings because of your rape.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lamm9999
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Good point, but I know it's just so much easier talking on here then in person, I mean I know you understand and you are calm about it. Telling other people is unpredictable. I think I'm too much of a chicken.
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Heather
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I know, but if you can pinpoint what you have gotten out of talking here, you can probably pinpoint a lot of what you're looking for in in-person conversations.

It sounds like so far, you're saying two things you have gotten here are being able to talk to someone about it who you feel understands and being able to talk to someone who is calm and non-reactive. Anything else?

I also want to mention, though, that we're not always ready to talk to people about our rapes who either a) aren't survivors themselves and/or b) aren't people who work as rape advocates. Not being ready to talk to other people doesn't make anyone a chicken, it just makes them not ready for that.

While our readiness all varies, and also often has a lot to do with what our relationships are like with people we'd tell, it can often take a person years, sometimes longer, to feel ready to tell anyone who isn't a survivor or an advocate. And that's okay if and when that's the space we're in: we'll get to a different space in our own time and at our own pace.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lamm9999
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Yeah you're right I want someone who will understand and be calm, but I know I won't get that from anyone in-person right now. I want to be able to talk about it, but I don't think it will happen anytime soon (other than on here).
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Heather
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Okay, so maybe for right now, we keep talking here, and maybe you can also try adding another advocate to the mix, like the RAINN hotline listed for you up top?

Pandora's Project is a fantastic online support forum for rape survivors if you'd like to add a second online place to talk. They're at: http://www.pandys.org

I can assure you completely that both of those resources are places you can always expect the same kind of support and understanding you're finding here.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lamm9999
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Thank you so much you are very helpful.
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Heather
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Happy to help however I can. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lamm9999
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do you think i'll ever be able to tell someone?
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Heather
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I do. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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