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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » I dont understand

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Author Topic: I dont understand
XXXHayleyBabyXXX
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A question that's kind of been in the back of my mind for a long time is do abusers actualy love their victims?

I just dont get it
They're jealous and controlling but isn't the root cause they're scared we'll leave?
I know ultimately it dosn't matter if they love us or not if they're not willing to treat us well I just want to understand and I don't get it

Why do they stay with us if they don't love us? Why are they so scared we'll find someone else if they don't care for us.

I don't really know how to phrase the question but I guess I'm askin if all abusers really are just evil people who don't care about their partners or are they just so screwed up in the head that they're incapable of loving someone in a healthey way?

I know there is no excuse for abuse but I must have meant something to him right? He must have felt something or why would he have bothered trying so hard to make me take him back?

Ever since it's been going around in my head and I just can't stop. Whether he loved me or not I'm not going back I'm just struggling to accept the fact that he never really gave a sh*t bout me, if that's even true. It makes sense after everyting he did but at the same time it's hard to beleive when the relationship wasn't all bad

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Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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They often think they do.

The trouble is, most of them confuse love with control. They don't understand they are profoundly different things, things that are actually at odds with each other.

While all abusive people are not the same, they most often stay because they need the control just that much, and are scared their partners will leave because it proves they don't have the control they want.

I think it's also important to remember that someone who abuses is still a whole person like everyone else: they're not one-dimensional, not about nothing BUT the abuse. While that doesn't mean they're safe to be with, or that it's wise to be in a relationship with them, it's why there are parts of them that seem just fine, because there probably are.

I don't know if I've suggested this for you before, but if not, I think you'd really benefit from reading Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds Of Angry and Controlling Men." It's an excellent book that answers all of these questions very well, one people who work in abuse tend to find very, very helpful.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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