Hii. This is my first post. I've been online for a while now looking for answers but I think it would be best if I posted my specific story and got others opinions.
My mom died when I was 16. I started having sex with my then long term bf when I was 17 but we broke up a couple of months after that. One night while I was staying over my best friends Addie house she invited some of our class mates over. Jack, Anthony, and Bob. Jack and Anthony were in our class but Bob was the boys friend from somewhere else. Anyways. We went out to their car to chat. Jack was driving and Bob was in the passenger seat , while Anthony sat in the back seat. At the time I did not think to question why Anthony was in the back seat if it was actually his car they came in. Anyways, I sat next to Anthony in the back to chat while adinnet and Jack went somewhere else to talk. Bob got a phone call so he stepped out of the car. I was fine being in the car with Anthony because he was actually a very close friend of mine. I didn't know it at the time but Anthony was very drunk. He asked me if he could kiss me and I said yes to the kiss. I was curious to see what I would feel. Anyways, he did and I felt nothing. It was actually really bad. However, I didn't stop because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. After all he was one of my best friends. I trusted him. I didn't realize what he had in mind. I never thought he wanted to have sex. So we continued to kiss. He never touched my breast or anything. He tried taking off my pants. And I was like no stop. And he was like oh come on I want to please u. And I was like I don't want to do this. And I said I feel like u r raping me. And he got emotional and begged me not to say that. Since he was my friend and I trusted him I felt bad and guilty for calling him that and making him feel bad. After we talked for a while he hugged me and began to kiss me. I tried to stop bug he wouldn't stop and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I strugled a bit but didn't say anything. In a matter of seconds he proceeded to pull of my pants and put his penis in me and I remember yelling at him to put on a condom. At this point I fel like It had gotten so far that I couldn't say no. I remember laying there praying for him to finish. I don't remeber feeling anything down there. I felt no pleasure at all. Nothing. He finished in what I remeber as seconds. I put my pants back on and my shoes and walked outside. I remember the 2 other boys laughing because they knew what had happeend between us. I walked straight to the house and when to addies room. When I walked in I felt ashamed and dirty for what I had let happened. I felt used. On top of everything Addie was angry with me because she liked anthony. I didn't know this. Anyways, she made me feel worse about it. She told everyone in our class. I felt like such a whore. When people would ask me why I did it I never knew how to answer. I never spoke to Anthony again. I blocked the incident out of my head and never mentioned it. Recently I told my current boyfriend about it and he told me he thinks that it was rape. I am confused. What do u think? Was it indeed rApe?
I'm so sorry that you had to cope with such hostility not just after the incident but from the people around you too.
I firmly agree with your boyfriend, and would not hesitate to term it rape. Why? Because you did not consent to sexual intercourse, your objections were ignored, and you were coerced into something you did not want. If anyone should be ashamed it should be your attacker, because you did nothing wrong.
Your current boyfriend sounds supportive. How have you two been talking about this? Has he been comfortable helping you through recovery? Is there someone you can trust, or a counsellor, to talk to about your feelings?
I hope you continue to hold up, and my thoughts are with you
Posts: 35 | From: Singapore | Registered: Aug 2009
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Yes, my current boyfriend is very supportive. We have been together for a year now and we have been really close since the beggining. Our relationship has grown beautifully. I hadn't told him about the incident until now because I was afraid he would think bad. All this time I had felt dirty and guilty for what happened. I told my boyfriend Ricky the whole story, honestly how I remmebered and he was like "wait a minute, it sounds to me like u were raped". I was like no it can't be. Then he asked me if I enjoyed it at all and I said no. I felt like my body went numb and prayed for it to be over fast. And again he said that was called rape. He is very defensive of me in the sense that he can't bare for anyone to hurt me. He asked me never to show him who the guy is because he'll want to hurt him. 0_0 but to tell him if the guy ever comes near me again. Today I decided to get information and ask if indeed it was rape. Also today I was able to recall a lot of things I wasn't able to before. I guess because I blocked that night out of my mind. I hadn't realy thought about the details in about 2 years. Now I feel very upset in realizing what happened and everything he did. I feel like he planned it all along. I just cat believe I did not realize this sooner. After that incident I went through a very bad depression. I even thought about dieing. I was going through this and everyone at school talking bad about me. My sister found out and didn't talk to me for a week. And I was also still dealing with the death of my mother. I just feel so angry that I didn't realize this then and could have defneded myself.
It's so shocking to me that more than 2 years later, after feeling so bad about myself, I come to see the truth. I had never seen my situation from this perspective. I always felt like it was my fault. That I could have stopped it if I wanted to. After all, even the people close to me at the time blamed me and told me I had acting like a slut. One guy friend that i had who I was very close to told me that if I didn't want to have sex and I still did taht it meant I was like prostitute because I had done it only to do the guy a favor. No one ever understood me. Even Addie who is still my friend doesn't understand me. Today when I claryfied what happened that night and gave her the details of what happened in the car she acted like if it were not that big of a deal. I don't think she believed me.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I agree with Initium that what happened to you was definitely rape, and I really want to emphasize that what happened was not your fault.
You say you could have stopped it, but you can't really know that. For all you know, he, or one of the other guys in the car, could have gotten violent and hurt you. It sounds like you were trapped in the small space--you didn't have any where to go.
Honestly, it sounds like your friends simply aren't supportive about this. Have you ever considered counseling? You could contact your local rape crisis center to get a list of counselors and therapist in your area who are used to dealing with sexual assault survivors.
I'd encourage you not to talk about this with friends who are blaming you. They will just make you feel worse and hurt you.
Lastly, I want to link a blog post that I think might be really helpful to read. It's about what "fighting back" can mean, and personally, as a survivor, I love the piece.
Natalie, I am so sorry that this happened to you. Any sexual activity that occurs without the explicit, un-coerced, sober, enthusiastic consent of both partners is rape. You made your boundaries very clear and he blatantly ignored them. Just know that none of this was your fault. It was his fault because he made the choice to disrespect your boundaries.
As a survivor myself, I have found the online support group Pandora's Aquarium (www.pandys.org) to be very helpful in my recovery process. I wish you the best and I hope that you have all of the love and support that you deserve.
Posts: 63 | Registered: Jul 2009
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