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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » I finally left but why am I sad?

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Author Topic: I finally left but why am I sad?
pantokrator
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Member # 43289

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Hey, everyone. It's been a while since I last posted here.

So, I finally broke it off with my emotionally abusive boyfriend. In the last three days I have (in this order) broken up with him, gotten my navel pierced, hooked-up with my lab partner on whom I've been harboring a crush for months, and chopped my hair off (I went from boob-length hair to a choppy Victoria Beckham-esq do. I love it).

Basically, he's been making me feel really terrible. He keeps sending me emails telling me that he can change and that he'll do anything for another chance. As much as it hurts, I know that I can't entertain that possibility because time and time again he has told that he can change and he never does. He might behave for a while but he always just goes right back to treating me like an object he can own.

I go back and forth between feeling ecstatic at my new freedom and heart crushingly sad. I'm mostly sad because I know that the person I am missing is gone forever. He's all in my head now.

I got my navel pierced and chopped off my hair as a way of reclaiming myself and reminding myself that I belong to nobody but me. Plus I've always wanted to do both of those things but my ex hates body piercings and short hair so I never did.

I just need some coping advice.

Thanks, everyone.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Kudos to you for getting out: that's no small deal, it's often very challenging and hard, and it takes a lot of strength. And I'm glad you've been enjoying expressing yourself in the way that you want to: I think that's very therapeutic, healthy stuff.

What have you been doing for emotional support through this? Do you have anyone you can really talk with, and who can also help hold a space for you to remind you of why you left, how that person is lost to you, and how great a choice you made?

One thing I'd suggest is making sure you cut off all contact with him. Block his emails, block any way he can call you, etc. If he can't contact you, that's going to help you a whole lot and also send a very clear message to him that you are DONE.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pantokrator
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Thanks for your support, Heather. My friends have been very supportive through all of this and good at reminding me why I needed to leave. It's just hard sometimes , you know?
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Of course it is. It might help to think about it, too, as a life transition. In other words, even if this had been a healthy relationship -- but just didn't meet someone's needs -- moving on would be tough. Big changes always are.

But of course, it's going to be amplified by the fact that this person is still trying to manipulate you, and likely by the fact that you still -- obviously -- wish that relationships, and the way it was, was not where you put your heart. Stack on top of that all of the healing you've been working on and doing, and the fact that part of you is also likely still plain old worn out from going through that. And even the good stuff, the positive changes, while not a burden, also take their own energy, too. That's all a whole lot to have to deal with.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pantokrator
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In the last few days my freedom has started to sink in more and I've realized that I can make decisions for myself and that I don't need anyone's permission to do anything.

The only thing that is still really bothering me is that now that I'm single all of these guys are after me. I mean, I'm flattered, I really am. I'm just getting really worn out from explaining over and over again that I'm not interested in dating anyone right now and then creating awkward situations. It's just creating a lot of tension and drama for me.

I like the idea that all of these guys like me I just don't want to be controlled by anyone. . .ever. And since I just got out of an abusive relationship I know that that will be an easy pattern for me to fall back into because it's familiar.

I guess, I just want to know if it's possible to enjoy being desirable while still keeping emotional distance.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, I think with or without a history of abusive relationships we're always going to have different feelings depending on the WAY someone else is desiring us.

In other words, I'd say it's pretty normal and valid to not feel so great about it if we know or think that interest is only superficial. With an interest you know or suspect goes deeper than that, then that's often something else.

I think -- especially with the latter -- that you'll get there. Like you say, you're newly out of this, newly independent, newly free of something that was really bad for you. It's sage to be wary and fair to want to have time to enjoy that full independence. As time goes on and you feel more confident in your decision-making with possible dates, relationships, I think the kind of interest that's the good stuff, or likely to be, will feel more comfortable for you.

But I also think you get to feel how you feel and it's okay, and get to take as long as you want to be a free agent. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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