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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Heather; Just back from the center

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Author Topic: Heather; Just back from the center
renyoj
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I just got back from the Crisis Center that I found. You were right about the possibilities there. I mean they've got everything, I didn't think they would. But I went and just mostly checked it out, this lady gave me a ton of brochure information on their staff and the groups they have. They had some on abuse and rape too, most of it's stuff you've told me a lot about though. I'm just really glad I went I guess, nobody was saying anything bad about me either.

On Monday I guess I should tell my counselor that I went and everything? I'm not really sure. And as for the STI thing, I texted my mom on the way up there and asked if she'd take me soon so I'll be doing that too. The one thing I'm sure of though, I'm not pregnant. Started getting cramps and all that fun PMS stuff earlier, but I'm still going to go get checked.

I guess the only other thing I wanted to add was about your advice. I'm going to try really, really hard to abstain from sex or relationships for a while. And I'm going to sound dumb now, but I don't want to screw things up for anyone and so I want to stay friends with Trevor right now... Just without it being awkward. I just don't know how to do that. And just to say, he's the one that canceled plans to take me since Cayt's mad at me.

Also for some reason I think it's true, but can't someone be charged for threatening someone? If so then I can at least charge my ex that dumped me with that, or report it however you're supposed to say it.

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Heather
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I'm so, so glad you found such a great resource. In case it hasn't been obvious from the level of my responses, I've been very worried about you. It makes me feel great to know you have something available that you liked in-person. [Smile]

Threats can often be criminal, indeed. A threat alone -- though it seems clear that's not all of his abusive behavior -- usually isn't something prosecutable, but it can potentially net you a restraining order if you want one. A threat AFTER an existing violence or violences, though -- which seems to be the case -- may result in something more.

I think it'd be fine to tell your counselor you went to that center if you want to. But you can certainly vibe it out when you go, you know?

You don't sound dumb to have concerns about maintaining your friendships. I'd just perhaps give yourself a reminder that people who really are our friends also should be fine if and when we need some space. And by all means, someone being your friend should not require anything sexual from you (and I don't mean just from him: I mean you understanding that for yourself). I do think taking a break, as you know, from dating or partnered sex right now would be beneficial to you.

In terms of trying to have a friendship and deal with the awkwardness, how about a plain, old honest conversation addressing that? If he took you to the crisis center, it sounds like he's the kind of friend you could do that with.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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renyoj
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I'm just glad you told me about it, I guess I was just worried over nothing about it. But everything's anonymous there if you want it to be and I don't have to tell anyone anything I don't want to. I really did like it, thank you Heather [Smile]

Well he kind of threatened during, but I got a text on the way back from him. I won't go into details or anything, but I mean it was more than enough to make me cry, and was definitely a threat. I saved it though, for if I need it or anything to show proof I guess. But I definitely wouldn't feel bad for reporting that at least.

And yeah, I've been thinking it out a little and I figured I'll see what she knows first and if she does I'll just try and be honest with her. But I'm pretty sure for the first visit it'll just be getting to know each other again, going over records, and talking about my medicine and to see if that needs to be changed and all of that.

And you're right, and for the exception of last night it's pretty much been that way. I mean it was a long drive, we talked for a while and everything and I don't know if it's a flag neccessarily or not but he's really changed in a lot of ways. That being said, is part of the problem. As of now I'm fine with waiting, and he wants us to stay friends at least anyways. But he did say he wouldn't mind trying 'us' again, but just said that in my situation it's up to me whether he leaves or can at least be friends. And my parents, they don't know about this site or anything, but pretty much agree no dating.

So I guess what I mean is it won't stay too weird for us if we're just friends right? We both agreed, and once I get the ok we could date and all even if it takes a while. I just don't want to screw up being friends or anything you know?

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Heather
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You're so very welcome.

By all means, do keep that text. Can you print it out somehow in case something happens with your phone? (Note: while I can program things online and am very tech-savvy in some ways, I am a total novice when it comes to cell phones, and avoid them like the plague, so I don't know what most of them can and cannot do.)

While I know everyone feels differently, I don't think anyone should feel bad about reporting someone's abuse. I understand feeling scared to do it or worried, but reporting is simply stating, truthfully, what someone has chosen to do. If they have chosen to do things which are criminal, those were their choices they made, and I'm all about all of us being accountable and responsible for our own choices. I also personally don't feel that crimes like rape and partner violence result in impact for those who do them -- even when it's jail time - that hold a candle to what they do to those victimized, so.

I think in a situation with your friend like you're saying, it can be fine, and not weird, to be friends IF you both really want that. It might be a good idea to make very clear that dating is just off the table, and while you appreciate his feelings for you, you also need that not to be put on the table at all. I'd not agree to a "maybe we'll date again, but let's be friends for now." I'd suggest something more like a "It's not later, it's just now, and I just want to be friends." Do you know what I mean? I don't think floating maybes are probably a good thing for you to have close to you right now in this way, especially if you want to change your pattens and earnestly want a friendship.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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renyoj
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I'm not either unless it's internet stuff, and some computer stuff. But I think I can save it and forward it to Trevor or my dad, they have internet on their phone, and they could save it as an email and print it out on their email on a computer, I think, anyways, they should be able to. But I've still got it saved regaurdless. And I know it's not logical to think he'd actually come and hurt me, especially if I did tell the police. It's just kind of the same as it was before, I'm sure he could do something I just don't want to find out what that may be. I don't think he's done that before though, or doesn't have anyone saying he has. I'm apparently the only one that's given him any trouble.

And I get what you're saying I think, and I think that could work out. I just keep thinking about what we did last night and it's not to hard for me but I want to make sure it isn't for him either. Like we just hugged today when he was dropping me off, and it wasn't weird for me but I couldn't tell for him. But he has said that he really wants us to be friends again, and so we both want it that way. You don't think the sex thing will happen again though, or should I avoid a friendship altogether? I don't want to do that, but I don't want to mess things up.

And this,
"I don't think floating maybes are probably a good thing for you to have close to you right now in this way, especially if you want to change your pattens and earnestly want a friendship."
As in, so I don't rush into anything way to quickly and just kind of kill any momentum I had? Or did I completely miss the point? :/

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Heather
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Well, sex doesn't "happen" no matter what. People make choices, and CHOOSE to be sexual or not.

I'd try to make choices around what friendships you want not based on worries about messing things up, but around if you feel a given friendship will benefit you and the other person, if you feel close, have trust with that person, and feel like they can be a good friend to you. Now, based on what you have posted here, it sounds like you two probably can manage a friendship, but I also know zippo about this guy and don't know anything about your history with him, either.

Per the ext, and such, I would say it IS a good idea to have concerns for your safety with anyone who has raped or abused you. No need to drive yourself crazy about that, you just want to take some precautions. I hear that HE has told you you are the only one who has "given him any trouble," but who knows what's in his history. People who abuse you simply can't be trusted, and you should figure that you usually will only know what they want you to know and think about them: that's part of controlling people.

But again, the people at the crisis center will be good to talk to about your options, and also about what reporting could or could not mean for you. So, I'd check in with them about this, too.

quote:
As in, so I don't rush into anything way to quickly
Kind of. So that you don't easily fall back into old patterns, or leap to sex because you feel you should or that this person is an opportunity you shouldn't miss, etc. You know your decision-making right now isn't so great, so you want to be sure you don't set yourself up in any way where you might be inclined to keep on that track. But again, with an earnestly supportive person, if you voice concerns about things like that, they should be happy to help you not do that, even if they have their own personal interests. Make sense?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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renyoj
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I know, I guess I didn't phrase that too well. I guess it's the self-esteem thing, not having too much will-power. But I really do want to be friends with him, I'd rather him than Cayt. And I know you don't know a lot about him but he really never was that bad. He liked to choose partying over hanging out with me, and he did drink but it wasn't a dependancy problem. The thing that made me leave was just that it didn't seem like he cared about me, and he would say some crazy stuff when he was drunk. But that's it. But like I said, I mean I know it's only been two days but he really seems completely different and right now I'm trusting him on that.
I agree, and that's pretty much how I've tried to keep it. I mean a threat is a threat you can't change that, and he could really hurt me. But I know he used to date older women, and they seemed to like the stuff he liked like anal sex. I guess that's what he meant, I don't know, I really don't care if I gave him trouble or not.
Ok, I understand that better. And that's kind of what I was hoping would happen to, like on top of whatever's happening you know friends usually watch your back. He knows what's going on and everything, and even when he didn't know everything he still tried putting me off because he wanted to be friends. I don't know if that'd be approved or not, but I guess I'm just really trying to put trust in him like I said. And he seemed really ernest about helping me out with the things going on.
And there's something else, I know I've said how he's changed right? I mean I just wanted to check because I obviously can be oblivious to this stuff. But on the way up there, I brought my iPod. About half way there he took my earphones out, I listen to it really loud, and was like, 'I really don't think you should listen to that right now.' and I asked why and he said because 'It's not going to help you any right now, and I'm sure $$$ would disagree but that's not what you're for.' I mean it was basically just a song about the guys wanting to have casual sex and what have you, I listen to a lot of different music. But I'm only asking because I don't know, but that doesn't seem abusive or anything to me. Am I wrong?

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Heather
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On the last thing?

Again, I don't know him, but unless he yanked your headphones out or something, it sounds to me like he was probably earnestly trying to be supportive and be a friend.

Heck, maybe HE was bothered by that song because of what happened last night. Given what happened, I'm guessing if he's a good guy and your friend, he probably isn't feeling very good about it.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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renyoj
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No, he didn't yank them. Scared the crap out of because I wasn't paying attention, but he just took them out and put them down. And that's what I thought, I was just making sure.

Last night could've bothered him? Because of what happened to me? :/

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Heather
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quote:
Last night could've bothered him? Because of what happened to me?
If he does care about you, why wouldn't it bother him?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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renyoj
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Well I guess just because nothing went that far with that guy. He was being a prick, yeah, but I don't know I guess because he didn't see anything really happen. I didn't really think of it like that, unless you meant the sex with him otherwise I can see how it'd bother him.
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