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Author Topic: Is this online abuse? Or just my stupidity?
DamnedWithLestat
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I'm 24 and my boyfriend online is 26. I'm an Asian who works in Dubai, and he's a Mexican who lives in Nevada. He has a 4-yr-old son, but he was never married. His ex is not in their lives anymore. Anyway, it's hard because sometimes he scares me. We fell in love but all of a sudden, he commands me of things to do like pose for him naked. But I kind of enjoyed that one so I didn't mind it much. However, why I found him scary is because whenever we have a fight, he "punishes" me by telling me to take a pic of me drinking my piss from a glass or write some humiliating words on my body using a pen. Another is that I lied about wanting to make a webpage for all my naked photos for the public to see (even with my face masked out).

Unfortunately, since I'm so in love with him, I did all these. (By the way, about the urine, I just faked it. I used one teabag and let it absorb in the water for a few seconds.) Anyway, I know I'm becoming blind now because I'm already doing this to please him. Thing is, I feel like he doesn't respect me anymore as a woman, and that he has these fetishes that bother me. He tells me that I'm such a liar (i.e. not telling him that I have a webcam, but he never showed me his face online, only in pix, and he saw from my e-mail sent items that I forwarded my photos to another man online). I did these only to be fair. I mean yes, I've lied but I'm just protecting myself as well. I want to chat with other men until my current online bf would really meet me in person. He never gave me his phone number (insists that it's company phone and he would come up with something to contact me...well we just voice chatted most of the time) and he's so pissed off that I lied about the webcam. Granted, I did lie and I was wrong (and that I got caught in the process). Well, truth be told, I'm still in love but I think it's wrong. Still, could there be a chance for a dog to be tamed?

I want some advice, or some women out there to tell me that I should really just move on and leave this guy, albeit online. Also, is this considered an abuse already? He has told me that he has given me his life and his son...he has already trusted me to be such a good stepmom to his son but how could I lie to him all the time, he couldn't really fathom. I kept apologizing, but he still insists that I deserve a punishment for lying. Punishments that make me look so desperate. I think it's really too late now. If I try to leave him, I'm scared of what he could do..maybe leak my naked photos? I realize that it's so wrong, but I need help from you all. Please tell me what I should do...

Posts: 4 | From: Dubai | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hithere
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This is terrible for you to have to go through and it saddens me to read about it [Frown] I think you should definitely leave him. The naked photos are risky but if your life is on the line it's well worth it. You deserve far more than what he is giving you. I hope you seriously consider ending this relationship because it is terrible abuse.
Posts: 164 | From: Somewhere in the US | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
strumpet
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If you ask me he sounds like an *******. even if he is telling you the truth about who he is, etc (and you have no guarantee that he is), he's still making you do things you don't want to do and that is abuse.
Yes, you could choose to not do the things he asks. And if you don't want to do them, then you shouldn't do them. That kind of manipulation is still abuse.
My advice is to get rid of him. Don't give him any more information about where to find you.

Posts: 61 | From: Canada | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Serafine
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Knowing the internet, and I mean, REALLY knowing the internet, I can say this.

Follow your heart and your gut, and it doesn't even matter if it is online, you are still a human in the non-virtual world being affected, and you could consider leaving. Think about it, would you stick around if this guy was your BF, with a real physical presence? He has already tried "punishing" you, you lied to protect yourself, he forced you into taking naked photos, he doesn't even allow himself to show his "real face" until the moment things turned ugly, etc etc. From what I do know, this is not what I consider a healthy relationship, and if this isn't abusive in your eyes, it could turn abusive very, very soon. The naked photos are a warning that there are worse things that he might possibly use against you, so I suggest trying to avoid a potentially worser situation in the future. Loving someone and being possessed by someone are very, very different.

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/potholes_dead_ends_relationship_roadblocks_to_look_out_for
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/crisis/blinders_off_getting_a_good_look_at_abuse_and_assault

Please read these two articles to see what a healthy and unhealthy relationship looks like. Everything is applicable to analyzing an online relationship, and especially yours. You have the power to change your situation if you really, really want to.

[ 04-18-2009, 11:30 PM: Message edited by: Serafine ]

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Posts: 82 | From: California | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Devourer
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That relationship isn't just going nowhere....it's going somewhere bad very fast. Any relationship partner who would show such negligence towards your well-being and lack of respect for you [telling you to drink your own urine? Dang.] shouldn't be worth your time.

These "punishments" sound like ways to enforce power over you, which by complying [even if you faked the pee thing] you're enabling. This guy sounds controlling, and like Serafine said, could be or soon be abusive.

You said sometimes his behavior scares you, that's valid...that's some pretty nasty stuff he did. You should probably end this before things get worse, because there's a slim chance things will get better.

[ 04-19-2009, 12:37 AM: Message edited by: Devourer ]

Posts: 42 | From: the Californian coast! | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DamnedWithLestat
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Hi everyone.

Thank you all for you support. I realize that this is an abuse, I just didn't want to believe it. I have stopped communicating with him as of the moment, and when I do speak to him again, I will gather up the courage to end it. Please understand that it will be a bit hard for me, but trust me, I will do it. Right now I'm spending time with myself and friends. I will keep you all posted and again, thanks a lot for your responses. The feeling of being appreciated and "loved" from someone far away was really fun for me, until that fun turned into fear.

To Serafin, thanks for these links! I'll be reading them now while at work lol sssh!

Thanks again and have a great weekend!
Regards

DamnedWithLestat

P.S. Please still feel free to post your views.

Posts: 4 | From: Dubai | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Devourer
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That does sound hard, good for you for making the decision to end that relationship. Good luck with all that.
Posts: 42 | From: the Californian coast! | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DamnedWithLestat
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Thanks, Devourer. I hope the pain will be over soon.
Posts: 4 | From: Dubai | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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