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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » How do you cope?

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Author Topic: How do you cope?
EndMyPain
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Member # 43619

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I had a boyfriend who, after a few months of happiness, turned very emotionally abusive and manipulative. He would tell me that I made him cry so hard he started throwing up and that he wanted to kill himself because I wasn't a good enough girlfriend or had talked to a guy I was friends with or hadn't thought about how something would make him feel, etc. If he got upset when we were alone together, I always felt like he wanted to hit me but was barely managing not to. Instead, he would use things I had told him that were very personal to me, such as the fact that my father was very emotionally abusive, against me. Once I tried to ask him why he was so intent on hurting me by controlling my emotions and he tried to tell me that I only thought he was being abusive because I had been abused when I was younger and so was conditioned to believe that someone who cared about what I did was abusive. Eventually, his abuse turned sexual. Or at least, I'm pretty sure it did. I was okay with doing some stuff, but he'd try to do more. I would say no or ask him to stop and he'd be like stop joking around. If I said it again, he'd say that he was a worthless human being who didn't deserve to live because obviously no one could ever love him. So I would just stop protesting and let it happen because I didn't want to cause his death. In my head, I would go somewhere else while it was happening. But whenever I got home, I couldn't escape the memories. I would get home from a date and lock myself in my room and cry for hours. I felt so empty and crazy and alone. He never actually forced me to have sexual intercourse with him though, just manipulated me into letting him do other things. Once things started getting really bad, I told him that I didn't want to be alone with him anymore because I felt like our relationship wasn't in a good place and we needed to talk. So we met a few times in public places, but eventually, he just stopped responding to my texts, calls, and emails. Then, he blocked me from IMing him. I knew things were really bad, but I still wanted to make them work. I would try and talk to him at school and he'd say he was too busy. After a couple months like that, he heard that I had gone out with some friends, including guys, to have a scavenger hunt and that one of the guys and a couple of the girls who went had spent the night at my house. My boyfriend confronted me in the hallway at school and asked why he hadn't been invited and why this guy stayed at my house and why I was sleeping with this other guy when I wouldn't sleep with him. I answered him truthfully and said I didn't invite him because we hadn't been talking very much and I was sick of being rejected by him. I told him the guy just needed a place to stay and that nothing happened between us. I explained that he slept in a different room and the room my girl friends and I were sleeping in was locked. My boyfriend then said I was a lying bitch, but he texted me for half of that day during school. We worked things out about the situation and I told him that if things were going to work for our whole relationship that we had to talk and that we both had to make an effort. He promised he would and did for about a week, but then didn't talk to me anymore unless he was upset about something. About a month and a half after that, I finally gathered the courage to break up with him and did. We hadn't talked or seen each other since until today. Today was our first day back at school and I had a class with him. We still didn't talk and sat at opposite sides of the room, but the first thing I thought is "Wow, he looks really tired and stressed today. That means he'll be really irritable. I hope I don't piss him off today. I wish he would sleep more." Only then did I remember that he doesn't control me anymore and that I shouldn't be worrying about his mood. And sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and freak out because I think the sheets which move a little bit as I breathe are his hands touching me. Sometimes, before I make a decision, I find myself wondering how he'd react. Lots of little things freak me out. We broke up almost four months ago, but I completely ignored what happened to me for a couple months and I just didn't feel anything. One day, though, something reminded me of him and it all just hit me. I had read some articles on the site before breaking up with him, so I knew that what had happened was abuse. I just couldn't accept that it actually happened to me. Only one of my friends knows the whole situation and I just told her a couple weeks ago. I want to know when I will be able to stop thinking about it constantly and I want to know how you have managed to cope with your own abuse. Sorry this post is so long, but its the first time I've ever explained everything at once to someone.
Posts: 7 | From: Texas | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sassy1227
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Member # 43843

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Honey,I was abused growing up. The thing I have learned is, if I would have as a young women, got help, I wouldd be in better shape now. I could say a lot about your boyfriend but i think you know his behaver towards you is horrable. But I wont you to look in the mirror and ask your self. Why do I think I deserve this type of treatment? You are to be loved and cherished. Remember how it felt when dad would talk down to you? If you continue with this guy, and marrey him. Imagine your daughter being talked to by him , like you had been talked to as a child. Can you feel this little girls hurt. You get into some counseling to help you with the abuse from dad. And I truly beleive that you will never look at this or any other guy who has violant behaviers. Be strong you are not alone.

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With God all things are possable.

Posts: 2 | From: Texas | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
EndMyPain
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Member # 43619

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Thanks. I've thought about going to therapy, but I'd have to tell my mom why and I don't think I'm ready to do that. She asked if I wanted therapy when she and my dad got divorced, so she would probably figure out that it wasn't just about that. She thinks this guy was perfect and still doesn't understand why I broke up with him so I don't feel like she would believe me if I told her the truth.
Posts: 7 | From: Texas | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cara K
Peer Educator-in-Training
Member # 43195

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Hi EndMyPain,

I was sexually abused by my boyfriend when I was in high school in many ways similar to the ones you describe up above. I remember that one of the hardest things for me after we broke up and I had come to terms with the fact that I was abused, was seeing him in the hallways at school. I know that your post is a few days old, but if school has just recently started, it may be worth attempting to be transferred into another class. Concentrating while healing from abuse is hard enough, even when the reminder isn't right there in the room with you.

You said that you've thought about going to therapy, and I think that might be a good idea. You talk about being afraid to talk to your mom -- that's perfectly normal, and understandable, but you should know that most parents are supportive when this kind of thing is revealed to them. And if you do decide to tell her, she might be a strong advocate for you with the situation at school. If you have reason to think that she might not be supportive, though, or are just still afraid, there ARE other options for you:

Chances are that you have some sort of rape crisis services in your area, and that they offer some sort of free short-term counseling. Googling your city name with "rape crisis" should hopefully bring up your information -- and even if you don't consider the specific abuse you went through to be rape, they can still help. Your school might also have a counselor who can provide you with resources. And lastly there is always RAINN ( http://www.rainn.org ). Their website has a 24 hour phone hotline listed, and also an online hotline, if you feel uncomfortable talking over the phone. They can provide you with short-term support, and also refer you to more resources in your area.

I hope that helps. Everyone has to go through their own process after abuse; getting some sort of outside help is probably the fastest way to finding the process that's right for you.

[ 08-31-2009, 08:54 PM: Message edited by: Cara K ]

Posts: 48 | From: Rochester, NY | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
EndMyPain
Neophyte
Member # 43619

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I might try the online hotline. I thought about talking to my counselor at school, but she's also his counselor and pretty much all of the staff at the school thinks he's amazing and loves him. If I tried switching classes, I'd have to give reasons, and I can't tell her why without her calling my mom and talking to him and I don't want that. I'm getting used to having classes with him, but today, he almost ran into me in the hallway and that was really difficult. I started shaking and I had a panic attack and I just went into the bathroom and cried. Luckily, this happened right before an independent study so I didn't have to explain to any teachers why I was late. I think having a class with him is actually somewhat better than not, because it's helping me get used to seeing him. We're seniors this year so I'll have to see him at a lot of functions such as the senior trip and I'd rather get used to seeing him in my daily routine than be completely shocked to see him as I know most of these events are already going to be stressful.
Posts: 7 | From: Texas | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cara K
Peer Educator-in-Training
Member # 43195

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Yup, I definitely know that situation. My ex was also very popular and well-liked (and I wasn't). And while I'd hope that the school would not speak to him directly and let them know what you said (and it'd be a major problem with their procedures if they did), if you do think they'd do that, it may in fact be for the best to avoid getting them involved, if at all possible.

I do hope that you check out the online hotline or one of the other resources, in addition to continue using the boards here if you need to. I think it could be really helpful to you.

Posts: 48 | From: Rochester, NY | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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