A short while after my 19th birthday, while I was still studying at uni I had a part time job in a local college. The boss was a married man about twice my age, but I used to think I could talk to him about anything because he was cool like that.
Anyway one night after work I agreed to stay behind with him and one of the other tutors and have some drinks. Id been to pubs with them before so I didnt feel I was doing anything dangerous. However, after drinking quite a lot of red wine the tutor was called away to play a gig somewhere which left me and my boss in the place alone.
I can't 100% remember what made me do it but for some ridiculous reason I found myself pulling up my top in front of him. I think I'd been telling him I was insecure about how I looked there (really stupid I know) but the truth is my memory is so faint.
That led to a kiss which to my memory was instigated by him but again I question every conclusion I came to afterwards because I was so drunk and my memory is so poor. After that I think I can remember him putting his hand down my jeans and trying to feel around...anything that did happen I think I would have been part of because I do remember thinking the kissing could lead somewhere...but my fear is that anything more happened and I dont remember. I don't know how it all ended.
I should note that I'd never had a single preconception about this man before and the very idea repulses me, but alcohol leads to stupid things like that and I much regret all of it.
Next memory is me sitting on the big sofa in his office having felt really dizzy and asking him what on earth had just happened.
Sadly I'd been seeing my current boyfriend for about 2 months at that point and while I felt we weren't fully committed yet but still felt overwhelmed with guilt when I started to sober up and realise what had happened. I never told him the truth at first, but as time went on and pur relationship progressed I felt more and more guilt about it and as a tried explaining to him what had happened I struggled with what I could remember.
Its almost 2 years down the line now and my boyfriend and I are having a baby soon. I love him so much but the truth is I'm still eaten up by the fact that I can't explain what happened that night and how far it went. My imagination brings all sorts of images and fears into my mind and with time going on each day my memory becomes worse and worse, I feel I can hardly distinguish between actual fact and fiction.
My boyfriend just wants us to get on with our lives and there is nothing else I want more. However, I am taunted daily by this and fear it will not stop bothering me until I know the truth about what happened and can free my consience. My boyfriend knows everything I have to say about it.
Lost and confused...but most of all angry with self. Any advice on how to cope or what to do here will be much apprieciated...
Posts: 1 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2010
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Unfortunately, you may not be able to do anything to remember all of what happened. Sometimes we repress memories, but sometimes we never actually form them or don't form them fully. Memory is kind of like a notebook in our brains where things get written down on...or not. And sometimes we just don't, as it were, write those things down. Trauma can prevent that, but so can drugs or alcohol. So, in time, you may remember all of what happened, but I think you also have to try and accept that you may not.
But you don't have to remember to start feeling better about this, I promise. Have you ever sought out any counseling around this issue? Done any personal work putting real effort into letting this go and forgiving yourself?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 68229 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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