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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » I think I've been raped

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Author Topic: I think I've been raped
Rebecca101
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I was over at my boyfriends house earlier and we had planned to have sex but I really wasn't in the mood and was a bit ill so I said I didn't want to. He said it was fine that we could just hang around and relax but as the day went on he got more persistant. He eventually got really angry and accused me of leading him on. He said because I agreed to do it previously that I didn't have a choice anymore. Then he told me to undress and get into bed. He hit me across my face when I hesitated and then I just kinda blanked out and did what he told me to. We ended up having sex but it was so painful because it was my first time and I wasn't at all relaxed. I feel really numb now and can't really believe it actually happened and I'm bleeding a bit from it still. I haven't told anyone just locked myself in my bedroom. He hasn't called me or anything since and I dunno what to do. I thought i loved him. I dunno if I should tell anyone cause I dunno if it was rape cause I did agree to it a few days ago. He didn't use a condom or anything so now I'm worried I might get pregnant. What should I do?
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Heather
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Oh, Rebecca. [Frown]

You are, indeed, describing a rape.

You agreeing to sex at another time does not mean you were not raped when someone forces or coerces you to have sex with them when you have said no. Any time that any of us makes plans to have sex, those plans should always be considered maybes, since it's very common for our desire for sex to change a lot from day to day, situation to situation. What your boyfriend said about you no longer having a choice in sex because you planned to do so at some point is a lie, the kind people who abuse other people frequently tell.

And agreeing to have sex is never agreeing to be raped. They are not the same thing at all.

I would encourage you to tell someone, for your own safety as well as so that you can get some help and support: is there someone you trust who you can tell?

You also, by all means, have the option of reporting this rape to the police, as well as the option of getting emergency contraception to reduce your risk of pregnancy.

That all said, please let us know however we can help you. We can talk about all or any of this together more if you like, I can help direct you to services or rape hotlines, whatever you need.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Heather
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For your reference, here is a map and listing of many rape crisis centres in Ireland: http://www.rcni.ie/hlp_map.htm

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rebecca101
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Thanks Heather. I don't think the reality of the situation has really sunk in yet. I mean I really thought I loved this guy and we've been together for 8 months now and hes never done anything like this before he had always been so sweet and gentle with me and worried about putting too much pressure on me about sex. I had wanted to do it up until today and I just changed my mind for no reason really. He said that was selfish of me and I was only thinking of myself and not about what he needed.
I can't really talk to my parents about it. They think I spent the day shopping with some friends and even if they understood they'd still be mad at me.
At the minute I'm kinda worried that I'm bleeding a bit. I know thats normal cause I was a virgin but I thought that would stop within an hour or so but this hasn't and it really hurts theres quite alot of blood to. I dunno whats causing it cause My period isn't due for over a week.

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Heather
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Also? If you have not yet showered, please hold off on that until you decide if you are going to go to the police. If you want to press charges to seek justice, it's very important you don't wash evidence away.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rebecca101
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He made me have a shower before I left. He said it was cause I was bleeding. I wasn't thinking then.
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Heather
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It actually sounds to me like one reason you might have felt today was a bad idea may have been your intuition talking, believe it or not. Sometimes, our kind of deeper self can sense that a person is not what they appear when our hearts and minds aren't getting it.

Some folks can put on a really good act. I know that can be hard to think about it when we have fallen for it, but plenty of men who rape act very sweet and nice for a while...and often when suddenly that veneer falls away will be when women don't give them what they want. [Frown]

If you can't tell your parents, might a friend be able to help you get to a rape crisis centre or the hospital right now? While bleeding can certainly happen from any intercourse, forced or otherwise, with an assault, it can be due to an injury and it's wise to consider being seen. Too, a rape kit could also be done today if you want to now or later have the option or pressing charges.

Just FYI, I can be on call here for you all afternoon and evening if need be.

[ 12-27-2008, 04:59 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Sorry I keep sort of missing your new posts.

It's unfortunate he made you shower (which also makes it sound like he may have wanted to wash evidence away, however, there likely has still been evidence left behind, certainly including his semen), but you certainly couldn't have been expected to have your best thinking cap on right after being assaulted. It's okay.

[ 12-27-2008, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rebecca101
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Its really late over here so the earliest I can do anything is probably tomorrow. I don't even know what I want to do. The only person I want is him I always went to him when I needed someone. I've known him since I was 4 we go to school together I dunno what could happen if I accused him of anything. He comes from a really good family to I don't think anyone would. Everyone thinks hes amazing.
The only person I can think that could help me is my brother and hes at least an hour away. I'm just getting scared now and hes good at calming me down but I don't want to admit to him that I let this happen. I feel so humiliated.

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Heather
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Just so you know, many rapists come from "good families." So, while it might, understandably, feel to you like you would not be believed, know that for police and rape advocates, his background is no cause for disbelief. There's no one "kind" of guy who rapes, nor do rapists only come from one kind of background.

Too, the most common kind of rape, so that you know how alone you are not, is from boyfriends, spouses, male friends. Obviously, it's a very deep betrayal and hurts like hell when someone you have loved or trusted violates you and your trust. It's something many, many women have felt when this has happened to them/us.

However, getting seen as soon as you can does not oblige you to press charges. If some evidence can be collected now, you can still take what time you need to decide if you want to do that or not. A rape crisis center or advocate can also let you know what the process of pressing charges and prosecuting is like so that you can get a good sense of what you want and feel is best for you.

I completely understand how you feel. Rape absolutely can feel humiliating and degrading, because it is.

I also understand not wanting to admit to anyone that this happened to you. Feeling ashamed -- even though you certainly did nothing wrong, it was not YOU who raped someone -- is also very, very common and something most people feel after rape.

Is it too late to call your brother? I'm certain that if he was awake and you told him you needed him to come to you for a serious emergency, which this is, he would come.

If you feel like you need to wait until morning, that's okay, too. Know that it's very early in my time zone, and we also have volunteers in a whole range of time zones, so if you can't get to sleep until you can call, we are happy to sit up with you and listen or talk.

[ 12-27-2008, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rebecca101
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No he's my big brother he'd come right away but then it makes this too real and I'm not ready for that I can't face it yet I can't. If I pretend nothing happened maybe I can get back to normal but that makes me feel sick and now I feel trapped. I just keep getting flashes of it and I can't stop crying now.
My mum heard me crying and was trying to get into my room but I made her go away. Now if I call anyone she'll know about it.
If I do anything about it he could get into trouble and I don't wanna do anything to hurt him but at the same time I do. I don't think i'm making any sense.

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Heather
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I know that it's really tough to figure out what to do in this moment.

I do hope, though, that you realize that taking care of yourself -- because of what he CHOSE to do to you, how he CHOSE to do you harm, on purpose, because he wanted to -- is not hurting him. If he gets hurt in any way because of this, it is absolutely his own doing. It might help to think of it this way: if he had robbed your house, rather than your body, and he got into trouble for it because your family called the police (which is the right thing to do when you have been robbed), would it be your family who was hurting him? See what I mean?

My concern is for you, because you are the person who has been injured and done harm. While I understand that it's a very short amount of time to have to face the fact that something horrible has been done to you, especially by someone you trusted, what I don't want to have happen is for you to go without care -- healthcare and emotional care -- when you are in a moment of very much needing it.

So, what I'd suggest right now, is that you seriously consider telling your parents what just happened to you OR calling your brother or someone who will come and be with you right away and help you to get medical care.

I know that's very scary, and I understand feeling trapped: we're put into that position when we are raped, unfortunately. But you are not, in actuality, trapped. You have the choice of asking for help that you need and getting care that you need, and I feel very confident both of those things will make dealing with this a lot easier for you right now. When someone comes here or to someplace like this in this way, they are making clear they want help. We can help with some things, but what we can't do is hold your hand, get you to a doctor, get you to a police station.

Do you think you can...well, make yourself ask for help from someone who can give it to you in person right now? Sometimes, if you can just blurt it out, the telling is over very fast and the help can start very quickly.

[ 12-27-2008, 05:32 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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I also want to add that the rape crisis hotline in Ireland is a 24-hour hotline. It is: 1-800-778888.

In the event that you do want to get the police involved -- which can also get you medical care -- I would also be glad to call your local police station for you so that they can come to you. To do that, I'd just need for you to email me your name and address.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rebecca101
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I think I need to get to a hospital. The bleeding is getting worse not better and now I'm really worried I feel faint like I'm gonna pass out I need help. I'm gonna get my mum and get to hospital now in a minute. I don't think this is supposed to be happening. I'll let you know whats going on soon. Thanks Heather.
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Heather
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I'm so glad you're going to get help.

We're here for you if you need anything when you're back. My very best wishes are with you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Just checking in this morning, Rebecca, to see how you're doing.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rebecca101
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Thanks I'm feeling a bit better now that I've told people what happened. Sorry this is so long but I wanted to fill you in on everything thats happened in the last day.
When I got to the hospital last night they checked my over the bleeding wasn't really serious I just paniced. The hospital had to call the police then. It was all so much more difficult then I ever could have imagined but I know I needed to do it. I don't know what I'm planning on doing but I feel much better now that I can see my options.
My boyfriend has been calling me all day trying to apologise but most of the time I won't answer the phone. I don't need to deal with his guilt right now.
My parents have been amazing once they got over the initial shock and my brother came down to stay with me for the week cause he knows I feel a lot safer with him around. My parents found me a councillor who specialises in this kinda thing so she's gonna start with me in the new year. I'm so glad that I've been able to talk to you I don't know how I would have coped on my own yesterday.
You were right about just blurting it out. I told my mum really fast and she took care of everything. My parents went over to his parents house and told them what happened. They were appalled and don't believe me. I think he told them that I wanted to.
My friends have been so supportive as well. My mum called two of my cloesest friends over and they stayed with me till m brother got here. They were shocked that I didn't expect then to believe me but they do and they're all totally here for me right now.
The police are going to come talk to me again tomorrow and see if I've decided anything about what I want to do. Everyone has been really patient and amazing. I couldn't imagine doing this on my own. I wouldn't be able to. Thank you so much for your support and for being there when I couldn't face telling anyone else.

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Heather
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Rebecca, I am so glad to hear from you. I went to bed thinking about you, woke up thinking about you.

I, like you, am very glad I was able to be here for you yesterday.

I'm relieved to know you are physically okay and that your family and friends have been supportive. I'm also glad that you were able to be seen by the police simply so that pressing charges is an option for you. I hope you know that whatever you decide to do in that regard is a good choice so long as it is what you feel is best for you: you're the only expert on you that there is.

Unfortunately, it is typical with rape when the rapist is known for them to try and hound their victim in hopes of being let off the hook, or scaring you out of taking any sort of action. I'm glad you have been able to keep from answering the phone, and would advise you to continue doing that. If you can block numbers on your phone, it might be helpful to block his so you don't even have to deal with seeing the incoming calls.

I'm also elated that your family is already helping you find counseling.

Seriously, I'm over here in tears because I'm so relieved about all of this. It's not often we get someone who comes here so recently after an assault and see such a good outcome when it comes to getting all that you need. Thank you so much for checking back in and letting me know how things went.

Again, you are beyond welcome, and know that you can come and talk here in addition to talking with people in your life whenever you want or need to.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rebecca101
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I'm sure I'll be back. If what my doctor told me is anything to go by I have a long way to go before I'll be back to normal.
I'll stay in touch and let you know what happens with the police tomorrow. I have a lot of thinking to do and decisions to make and its such a comfort to be able to just talk about it before I have to do anything. I'll let you know how it turns out.

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Heather
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I'm afraid that indeed, to some degree, healing from rape is something that just becomes an ongoing part of our lives.

But you have a lot of what you need to help you do that as best you can, and that's so, so great.

I hope you can recognize how brave you've been. You make a girl proud to know you. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rebecca101
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Hi I haven't been here in a while but I thought I'd fill you in with whats been going on.

I decided not to press charges against my ex boyfriend after speaking to the police. I thought it'd just make things even more difficult to move on from but my brother had different ideas. He gathered a few of his friends and they ended up beating my ex up so bad he ended up in hospital. Not exactly the outcome I was hoping for to be honest but hes now completely out of my life he moved to a different school so I really never see him anymore. He still tries to get in touch with me now and again but I changed my number and he won't show up at the house anymore really.

I've been going to councilling and its really paid off I can see alot of things that were wrong in our relationship that I didn't wanna know about. I never realised that he was really controlling about where I went and what I wore and all that kinda thing. I confused love with obsession and fear. Not a mistake I think I'll make again. I realised that was why people didn't have trouble believing me like I thought they would. All of my friends could see what was going on with us I just would never listen until the rape opened my eyes to the whole messed up situation.

I'm still not over what happened I know thats gonna take a while maybe things will never be exactly the same. Like I developed fears of the strangest things like I'm afraid to take a shower unless my mother stays in the bathroom with me and I can't be in the house alone or go out alone. Loud music freaks me out to now which is weird cause I used to love listening to it really loud. I think I'll get over that stuff though with time.

I know this kinda things happen to girls quite alot and it helps knowing I'm not the only one going through this right now. My councillor set me up with a group of women who've had similar experiences and that really helps cause I know they can identify with all thats happened to me.

Its a long road but I'm definitly on the way to recovery.

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Heather
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Rebecca, I'm so glad to hear from you.

I'm also, obviously, glad for all of the positives that have been going on with you. I'm glad you have had such great support, glad you have also discovered this relationship was abusive before the rape so that you can have some more resolution and also have a better awareness of the signs for the future.

I'm sorry that your brother made that choice, particularly because you certainly did not need extra strife.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rebecca101
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I know but he was so angry and hes my big brother. I guess that was his way of dealing with it. He was just so angry about what happened to me. He knows it was wrong though and so not helpful but he wasn't thinking straight. It was his friends who should have know better.
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