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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Please please someone answer

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Author Topic: Please please someone answer
amz85
Neophyte
Member # 41450

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Sorry, I know I put this on before and you've maybe covered this in another topic but I want to ask for myself. When I was 14/15 I was bullied at school and was in a church band. A guy at this band who was 23/24 starting texting me and gave me a naked photo of himself, I was very innocent and hadn't ever had a boyfriend or kissed a boy or anything, I was very lonely and around this time, can't remember if it was before or after all this started I was cutting myself. Well anyway it progressed and I ended up going to his house a couple of times and meeting up and he kissed me and performed sexual acts on me and I had to do this on him. It was all consensual though I wasnt really forced but I didnt like it, we never had sex. This happened for quite a while and I know he was doing it with my friend too. At the time I thought I was being grown up and had one over on the friends who were bullying me at school but when I look back now it makes me feel sick, he wasnt even good looking. He moved on from me to a younger girl and I think he'd done it before me too and he had pictures of girls in positions at his house. It affects me now becuase I feel disgusting and worthless and makes me feel horrible and dirty and disgusting when I cum during sex with my boyfriend. Was this abuse? I tell myself that I am being overdramatic and stupid but the guy I'm seeing said I should sort this out. Obviously it was a long time ago now. Is there anything I can do to help? I am worried that he is still doing it to girls.
Thank you
x

Posts: 4 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bluejumprope
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 40774

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Hey, I'm sorry you haven't gotten a response sooner. I just wanted to say that this was absolutely abuse and was not consensual. You are not being over-dramatic. This was serious abuse and most people who have been sexually abused report feeling the feelings you describe. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I don't feel qualified to address many of the issues you brought up, but I'm sure a mod will step in.

In the meantime you may want to check this out:

What is Rape & What Is It Like to Be Raped

[ 12-08-2008, 12:50 PM: Message edited by: bluejumprope ]

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without tenderness, we are in hell. -Adrienne Rich

Posts: 407 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
amz85
Neophyte
Member # 41450

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Thank you so much, I was freaking out so much, I've never really spoken about this before. Thank you
x

Posts: 4 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

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amz, I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting. Your post got a little lost in the shuffle. Again, I'm really sorry. I understand how hard it is to tell your story. It was very brave of you to do so, and took a lot of courage. Thank you for sharing here.

Our volunteer Lauren told a user something the other day that I think is so important and true. She wrote that only the person who experienced these things can define what it was, since they're the one who knows how they felt. So while we can tell you that this behavior was abusive (and, indeed, it was abusive and manipulative, not to mention illegal since the age of consent in the UK is 16, 17 in Northern Ireland), it's up to you to define it and determine what you need to do to work through it.

One thing that I find helpful (and many psychologists suggest, too) in determining whether or not to seek therapy is looking at how it is affecting your life. Is it causing you distress? Is it preventing you from doing the things you want to do? You say that you feel "disgusting and worthless" and that it affects your enjoyment during sexual activity. One thing I might suggest is stepping back from sexual activity for a while until you can feel good about yourself and about the things that happen and that you feel during sex. Many survivors find therapy to be very helpful in processing abuse and rape so they can move on in their lives and feel good about themselves, but if you do not yet feel able to seek therapy, that's okay. You don't have to rush it. It's a goal that you may want to keep in mind, however. If you feel ready for therapy, we'd be more than glad to help you find some local resources.

In the meantime, you may want to check out a couple of online support communities. Pandora's Aquarium is an excellent one, and they have many UK members who would be glad to help you find some local resources, too. If you are still self-injuring, you may find this website to be helpful. It's also an online support group with a lot of links to resources, as well as advice on ways to work towards stopping self-injury. And, of course, RAINN, the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network, is a fantastic place to go for information on dealing with rape and abuse, including information for supporters of survivors, and they have a phone hotline and an online hotline that you can use anonymously if you need someone to talk to or to help you find some resources. You are also perfectly welcome to talk about how you are feeling here, and we'd be glad to listen, offer advice and words of encouragement, and help you any way we can.

As for your concern about other girls being hurt by him, I'm not really clear on laws in the UK, but I did find this site which has a number you can call in the UK if you are worried that a child is being abused or is at risk of being abused. You might try giving them a call and explaining your concerns.

Lastly, please know that you are not disgusting or worthless. You are a person who has a lot of value and good, and you didn't deserve to have those things happen to you. You also are not stupid or overdramatic for feeling the way that you do. Your feelings are perfectly legitimate, and you have every right to feel the way you do. Please let us know if there's anything we can do for you, or if you'd just like to talk about some of these things some more.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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amz85
Neophyte
Member # 41450

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Thank you so much for your help, thank you xx
Posts: 4 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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