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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Was I Raped?

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Author Topic: Was I Raped?
MaddieCherie
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This happened a year ago..so heres my Story..
I was 15 (just turned it), and I had a job at the mall, working at an Ice Cream store. Well it was my first day opening the store alone, and I couldn't remember the codes, so I texted my co worker who said she would be a few minutes late, and said hey I will just hang in the mall till you get here because I can't remember the code to unlock the doors and such, she was like okay. So I was walking through the mall and I knew a guy that worked at a store, he was (22 or 23 i can't remember) and I stopped in to say hey, well he started to touch me but I thought he was KIDDING, like, 'haha i touched you and you can't do anything about it' kinda kidding. So I just laughed at him and smacked him lightly and he laughed back, after a few minutes of talking we ended up walking to the back of the store (he was the only one working) and i had no clue what was going to happen (i was a stupid 15 year old girl with to much on my mind and couldn't think) well once we got back there, he got kinda mean, and was like 'pull your pants down' i just looked at him expecting him to start laughing and be like just kidding, but he didn't infact he said it again and alot meaner sounding to. I tossed my purse on the ground, pulled down my pants and he begin to have sex with me, I was kinda like bent over, with my hands on the wall. I started crying while he was doing this, and afterwards I walked out acting like nothing was wrong, and once I was out of his store, I ran to where I worked and jumped my co worker crying to her about what happened. Later that day I told my mom, went to the hospital, told the police, etc etc. Around april this year (this happened in oct. last year)I went to court to testify against him. I told the court and such what happened, and the jurys excat words to me were 'your just a 15 year old girl, you've never had sex, you have no clue what sex is, you didn't even tell him no, so you engaged in sex with him and called it rape because you were scared of what your parents would say if they found out you had sex.' i started crying and RAN out of the court, all the charges were dropped and since then i've been telling myself maybe it wasn't rape, because i never said no, but i never enjoyed it, never wanted it, i WAS scared to death of him and what would happen to me if i didn't..so was this really rape? i've been having sex since then, but everytime after, i lay down and cry because i feel like i did something wrong..i'm so confused, my heart tells me i was raped, but everyone says i wasn't.. [Frown]

Posts: 8 | From: Texas | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaddieCherie
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Just wanted to add, that ever since that happened I feel like i've lost who i am, i lost my virginity to that guy, and i feel like he took everything i ever was with him, i've cut myself and tried to o.d multiple times because of the reason, being so confused and feeling so guilty but hurt and broken, just..UGH i dunno anymore..
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Mortality
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First of all: I'm really sorry you had to go through something like that!

This is definitely rape! Even if you didn't say no, he didn't even give you a chance to say no! This was rape by intimidation! It doesn't matter what the jury said... I can't remember the exact statistics, but the majority of all rape cases end with letting the rapist off.

Have you talked to a counsellor? I did that for a while after I got raped...

Also, what I would suggest is only engaging in sex when it is was you truly want, not just to please someone else. And only have sex with people you feel safe with, people you feel safe saying no to. If you feel like you can't say no to someone that person is someone to stay away from.

[ 10-30-2008, 06:03 PM: Message edited by: Mortality ]

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Mortality
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You didn't lose your virginity to him! No matter how you define virginity, it involves having sex for the first time, and being raped is not having sex. To have sex you have to want it, and if you want it, it can't be rape.
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MaddieCherie
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Thank you so much! Bad news to hear that it was rape, but good news to finally clear it up, I've been putting myself down since it happened feeling like such a slut! Thank you so much, no is definitely in my vocabulary now!! Haha
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MaddieCherie
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My boyfriend knows about this, and when he has sex with me he is sure to watch for crying, or non enjoyment from it and stops and cuddles with me to make me feel better.
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Mortality
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Glad I could be of some help [Smile]

What I think your boyfriend should be looking for is enjoyment and stop as soon as he doesn't see that... But that's just my opinion. When you do have sex with him, is it mainly for him or for you? Who is initiating most of the time, and do you feel safe saying no to him?

When I got raped I suffered badly from flashbacks, bad enough that I needed a break from sex. So if you feel like you need a break that's completely ok! When it comes to sex you should only have sex if that is really what you want for yourself, not cos it's something someone else wants from you.

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September
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Maddie - in the context of this, I am concerned by your other post asking about anal sex. In it, you say that you are not turned on very much by penetrative sex and that you frequently experience painful intercourse. Given this history - I'd encourage you to take a step back from sexual activity altogether for a while.

Have you ever received counseling for what happened to you? If not, I suggest you start there. If you need help from us in finding you resources, let us know.

It's absolutely normal for abuse survivors to have a bit of a difficult time getting comfortable with their own sexuality and sexual agency. And what happened to you WAS sexual abuse, so it sounds like it's time you get to acknowledge that and work through that.

And also? Talking about this and going to the police was a really brave thing to do. I'm sorry that went so horribly wrong for you. It really should've been a much more empowering step. But don't let that discourage you. You WERE abused and you DO deserve to get help.

--------------------
Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Sarabelle
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[Edit: as our guidelines state, victim-blaming is not allowed here. Please keep that in mind next time you post, and also you may find the following articles helpful when thinking about these issues:
Is it my fault?
Dealing With Rape
How You Guys -- that's right, you GUYS -- Can Prevent Rape
And especially the following two:
What is Rape & What Is It Like to Be Raped?
How can men know if someone is giving consent or not?
If you have any further questions, please feel free to email us via the 'Contact Us' feature.--orca]


[ 12-06-2008, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: orca ]

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-Lauren-
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I don't feel it is your place, or anyone else's, to define the OP's experiences for her, or state what a "reasonable person" would think happened. Much less state why her court case went the way it did; you weren't there, and I'm fairly sure that you couldn't make such an assumption from this information even if you did have legal training.

The OP feels she was raped, and was obviously intimidated and frightened into consenting, which IS rape. She did not freely consent, so that is rape; it doesn't matter if she didn't say no or try to fight, she was frightened. This man deserved to be prosecuted, and thus the system did NOT work; it failed her.

This will be your first and last warning; you are not to victim-blame in crisis threads, or do anything less than support the victims feelings without questioning their feelings and the situation they describe. If you can't do that, stay out of these threads.

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