my friend and i are worried about a mutual friend of ours, the other night she got into a huge fight with her boyfriend and she came over to talk to us and vent. she started crying and revealed to us that he had been abusive towards her earlier that day but wouldn't really respond when we asked if he'd done anything like that before.
i've had the type of relationship before where i was in love and kept going back to my boyfriend constantly no matter what he did and my other concerned friend has had that also, which is why when we were talking to her we both recognized that although she was upset she still wanted to be with him. it's always nice to have someone to love and just to have someone there to put all of your trust in and she loves having that so much that she is only confused as to why he would treat her like that but has no intentions of leaving him, she's insecure and would hate to lose the companionship. she's in love with him, and it's so hard to watch because it happens so often.
anyway, she went on to tell us that they were at a friends house and it was just the three of them. her boyfriend said something she didn't like so she told him she was going to leave and from there it escalated into an argument and he pushed her into the wall. now i should let you know that he has anger problems and is actually in court ordered anger management classes and his dad was abusive towards his mom while he was growing up. so when he pushed her, my friend called him by his dad's name implying that he was abusive which made him livid. he told her he was going to smash her head into the wall or something to that extent and then he hit her a couple times, afterwards she smacked him and then just quickly left the house before it would get any worse and drove home.
later that night he wouldn't stop calling her phone and she kept answering, she was crying and he was yelling about how he wanted his stuff from her car. she asked me to talk to him, he yelled at me, etc. then eventually she said she was going to drive down to his house and give him his stuff from her car and my concerned friend and i begged her not to and asked if we could drive her or at least follow her but she refused. despite all of our warnings and beggings and telling her he was just going to keep doing it she went anyway. i knew from experience she was really going because she wanted to reconcile with him.
so it's been about two weeks now and we ask her how it went she says fine and it's obvious they're back together. it's so frusterating i don't know what to do, i know that you might say there's nothing i can do or that she has to do it on her own but i don't think i can watch this anymore. so if you have any advice or anything a friend could do i'd appreciate it, sorry this was so long.
Posts: 2 | From: united states | Registered: Mar 2008
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You're right: the difficult thing is that it can take a while for people in abusive relationships to acknowledge what's going on.
Luckily, she has a friend like you who's supportive and watching her back. Have you shared your story with her? She may not be ready to see the parallels, but it may give her some food for thought. In the meantime, all you can do is make sure that she knows you're there for her.
Other than that, it might help if you showed her this site. If you check at the top of the page in Abuse& Abusive Relationships, we've got a great compilation of resources, and right below that we've got our Abusive Partner Checklist. If your friend is ready and willing to take a look at those, that might help her to come to realize that her partner is abusive, and to start thinking about ways to leave the relationship.
-------------------- Johanna Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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It might be hard to acknowledge, but you seem to know what a good friend does for another: be there for her when she needs you. It is best for her to deal with her problems in her own way, but you can always be her support when she needs it, like September says. Telling her what to do will only bring yourself into a situation that should only be between her and her boyfriend. However, you can help by giving her material and information so that she can make better choices when if comes to relatinships.
If you feel comfortable, perhaps go through some of the material with her, drawing parallels between instances in her relationship and the checklist of abusive qualities. She might be angry and defensive at first, but hopefully she will ponder what you say and be able to make positive choices.
-------------------- "Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." Posts: 171 | From: USA/CHINA | Registered: Aug 2008
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