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Author Topic: Was this rape? Could this be why...
SFrost
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Member # 38970

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From the time I was 16 to 18 I dated a guys on and off. He was okay at first, but over time he became very verbally and mentally abusive. we finally agreed to be just friends. Long story short, I needed a roommate shortly after that. (Just somewhere to spend the weekends and keep my stuff.) Well, I rented a room in his apartment. Mistake. He took this as us getting back together, or a way to use me while I was there. I would wake up and find him in my room standing over my bed. This would escalate into a fight. It got worse and worse until I finally gave in a would sleep with him. I didn't want to but I felt like I could not say no.
Finally, I became strong enough to say no. He was livid. I moved my stuff out within literally two hours. for several months after this he would follow me around town, call non stop...it was awful.
The scariest situation was when I was at a friend's house and she and her family were out of town. I had my boyfriend at the time over. I thought i heard the front door but figured it was nothing. Well, my boyfriend left and I went upstairs to do laundry. I was in there maybe 5 minutes and I walked out, he was standing in the hall. I felt that immediate fight or flight response. I remained calm however. I walked outside and saw he had hidden his car at the end of the driveway in the trees. He was in the house the whole time. I did get him to leave by saying I would call the police.
To this day (five years later) i have nightmares about him chasing me and trying to kill me. Even ones where my husband turns into him. I also really avoid sex. I do good for a month or so but then fall into avoiding it again.
So i guess what I want to know is are the issues I have today related? Was feeling like I couldn't say no rape or simply my own fault? I placed myself in that situation after all...What can I do to put this behind me?
I have never told anyone the full story. It feels good just to get it out...

Posts: 3 | From: VA | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ovan
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Member # 38429

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I'm so sorry [Frown]

And yes it was rape because "rape is when someone forces, coerces or nags you to do ANY kind of sexual activity you don't want to engage in"

No offense, but it probably wasn't the smartest thing to move in with him.

I would suggest looking at these articles

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/was_this_rape
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/im_a_sexual_abuse_survivor_how_do_i_get_okay_being_intimate_again

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Not in cruelty
Not in Wrath
The Reaper came today
An Angel visited this gray path
And took the Cube away.....

Posts: 12 | From: California | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

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(Ovan, it's really not cool to criticize a user's actions when they are dealing with rape. Nothing a person does somehow okays them being raped. Moving in with a person doesn't grant them access to our bodies whatsoever. So let's keep that in mind for the future, and I think it might be nice if you apologized to SFrost.)

SFrost, badgering someone into sex or making them feel like they can't say no to sex does count as rape. Acquiescing is not consent. I'm sorry that happened to you, but you got out of it which shows that you are brave and strong, and I think that's pretty awesome. And like I told Ovan, nothing you or anyone else does could ever make them at fault for being raped. The only one at fault is the rapist, not you. You moved in with someone you had dated, someone you were friends with, someone who you thought you could trust given how long you had known him, and he took advantage of you. That's not your fault. Trusting someone who turns out to be a creep is never anyone's fault. I know I sound like a broken record right now, but I just want to make sure you know that.

Have you had any counseling for all of that? Being raped, stalked, and threatened (on top of the emotional and mental abuse while the two of you were dating) can be pretty traumatic and can definitely have an impact on future relationships, but a good therapist could help you to overcome those fears. If you want, we'd be glad to look up some resources in your area, or you can call the RAINN hotline or even use RAINN Online Hotline if you are more comfortable with typing rather than talking. They can also help you to find some local resources.

When you feel you are able to handle the long discussion, you might also want to talk this over with your husband, let him in on how you're feeling and why. That doesn't have to happen all at once or even soon, just when you are ready.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SFrost
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Member # 38970

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Thanks for the advice. I realize that it wasn't the best decision I have made in my life, but I also realize that it wasn't my fault.

I am just mad that I never did anything about it. I would love to see that creep pay for what he did, but the stupid statute of limitations is up. I hate that he is out there living his life, more than likely with the believe he is a good person. (Actually, he has many traits of a psychopath, but that is an entirely different issue. Who knows what he really thinks.) I hate that he could do this to someone else. I hate that I have no proof. I hate that he is in a job that he could use his position to make someone feel like they have to do something. (He is in the military. A place where rape is already a problem.)

I have not had any help with this issue. I have seen a counselor for communication issues and letting people treat me badly. I told her I was in an abusive relationship in the past but we never talked about it. So I will talk to some one now that I am sure I was taken advantage of. I was just afraid I would tell this story and they would say "you did it to yourself" or that it wasn't actual rape. I am glad I did finally tell the whole story. My husband knows some, but not all. If I cannot find someone to talk to through my insurance I will surly take you up on the offer to help me find someone.
Thanks so much.

Posts: 3 | From: VA | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Firefly-
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 26516

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(According to this website, there is no statute of limitation on rape in Virginia. If conviction is something you'd like to pursue, you could call your local police department for more information on the steps to take.)

[ 06-30-2008, 07:43 PM: Message edited by: blysse_norwood ]

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Vero
Scarleteen Volunteer
Help sustain sex ed and Scarleteen: donate!

Posts: 1345 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ovan
Neophyte
Member # 38429

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I'm sorry SFrost, I wasn't trying to criticize you, it just kinda came out wrong and I didn't know that there was an edit post feature. I really have to think more before I post [Frown] .

--------------------
Not in cruelty
Not in Wrath
The Reaper came today
An Angel visited this gray path
And took the Cube away.....

Posts: 12 | From: California | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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