I am still a teenager, but at 14 I was raped and molested by a 21 year old about six times.
[...five minutes later:] Just trying to type this out is almost impossible for me as after typing that sentence, I noticed my frozen hands, my heavy heartbeat, my heavier breathing, and my watering eyes. I say this only to describe how just typing it out on a forum somewhat vaguely like this effects me so substantially.
Coming to accept this aspect of my past for what it really is, rape, has been difficult enough, but getting over it has proven to be much harder. In the time that has passed between now and then, I was okay for a while. Time went by where I was normal and it wasn't a problem. I was sexually comfortable, I was okay with myself, but I get closer to the 1-year "anniversary" of it, and on top of that, I am put between a rock and a hard place.
A convention I have worked at annually since I was 8 is in two weeks. I look forward to it every year, tons of people know me there, and it is not something for me to turn away from. Unfortunately, for the last few years, the man who raped me has also worked there. I recently learned that he will be there this year. It's in 9 days.
Being in therapy to deal with my broken mind has, I have found, only made things much much worse. My triggers have worsened, I'm much angrier than I was, I'm much sadder than I was, and I can feel this depression that I'm slipping back into. [I was severely depressed for six months in 2007 due to something else.]
To be happy, I have to have a tolerance, for lack of better word, of the small things that people do that would bug me if it wasn't there, but when I become like this, it deteriorates, and I can't be around most people, even my boyfriend. It ruins my relationships, my social life, my happiness, my ability to cope.
Lately, drama has become an issue, which as a teenager, is common, but I can't even deal with that because of this weight on my shoulders. I'm too embarrassed about it to open an investigation, and I feel like even if I do that it won't do anything because his brother is a cop and as I learned with another investigation he wasn't even involved in for assault, he has a lot of pull. My sisters and my mom know about it now and one of them says that they're going to the con just so they can punch him out and leave, but I really don't want that to happen because I feel it's just going to make everything worse and blow the whole thing wide open in the one of the worst places possible.
Knowing that he'll be at the con terrifies me because he has this bipolar attitude and he can't handle real life. He's in denial about most things. Knowing him, I'm really scared he'll try to corner me and with that comes his verbal attacks which I used to get, so I'm doing my best to prepare for the convention by organizing myself a "posse" to atleast have someone with me at all times to try to stave off any attempts he may make.
What I feel worst about is the fact that I brought this on myself. The first time it happened, I literally LET him have sex with me because I was practically lulled into a false sense of security, and all the other times, he would would whine and beg and ask and nag for sex, just chipping away at the wall I had up. It's so tiring for a 14 year old to have to say no to someone that much and I learned that I am not strong enough to. I didn't even try to stop him regardless of if i wanted to.
I just didn't even react.
And I hate myself for it.
I don't know what to do.
-------------------- Knee deep in flowers we'll stray We'll keep the showers away
And if I kiss you in the garden, in the moonlight Will you pardon me? And tiptoe through the tulips with me Posts: 1 | From: East Coast | Registered: Jul 2008
| IP: Logged |
You said you are in therapy for the rapes, right? Is the therapist trained in sexual assault? Sometimes it might take a while to find a therapist you like, so if it's a matter of not getting along with the therapist you may want to look for a different one. But also, sometimes with therapy things can get a little worse before they get better. Have you talked to your therapist about how you feel things are getting worse? You may also find that some anti-depressants would be helpful. It wouldn't be for long-term use, but just to help you cope with the depression and triggers until the therapy helps you get to a better place where you can cope without the medication.
If it's a question of your personal safety, then it would be best to just not go to the convention. You can always go another year. If you absolutely are set on going, though, then you should alert the security at the convention beforehand of the situation and that you fear further harrassment. It would also be good to go with a few other people and not be alone at any time, even going to the bathroom. A confrontation would not be a good idea in any way, and if he does have as much pull with the police as you fear, it wouldn't turn out well. I feel it would really be safest if you didn't go, especially since going might cause some triggers and you already said the triggers have gotten worse.
If you would like to pursue legal action, that is still a possibility. You can give the RAINN hotline (1-800-656-HOPE) a call or use RAINN's online hotline and they can help you to find some local legal resources where you can discuss the possibility of reporting and/or a restraining order. Even without reporting the rape, you could still get a restraining order if he has been harrassing you.
-------------------- Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007
| IP: Logged |
Just wanted to add that you absolutely didnt bring this on yourself. Nothing that you could have done or not done made it ok for him to rape you. It wasnt your fault. It was his responsibility and his responsibility alone.
Sounds like it was really hard for you to write here. Hang in there. You can get through this.
-------------------- "Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."
Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.