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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » rape (Page 1)

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Author Topic: rape
todaytomorrownever
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I'm new to all this, don't know if this is where i'm meant to right but, im 19 now, everythings starting to get on top of me.
a month ago i went out in the evening for a cigatte, i normally do when i cant sleep, i go down the road to a little path, when i got there there were three guys there, waiting for me, i didnt realise for awhile but one was my horid ex boyfriend, they didnt say anything, but the two that werent my ex raped me, he just stood there, one stamped me in the ribs and they left me there, i cant tell anyone.
im worried i might be pregnant is it too early to do a test?

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todaytomorrownever
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i'm sorry im finding hard to do this i should of said they keep ringing me and texting me and i dont no what to do, im scared to go out on my own
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Heather
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If this was a month ago, it's been more than enough time for a pregnancy test and tests for sexually transmitted infections.

Is there anything else we can help you out with in terms of dealing with this, considering your options, assuring your safety, etc.?

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todaytomorrownever
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i'm really scared to be honest, everything in my heads just messing up, im worried about anyone knowing, ive told my best friend and a work friend and my boss and theyve been great but they dont understand that i think i wanna talk about it, im also really worried people at work no but the person i told swears they havent and wouldnt tell anyone. my ribs still hurt quite abit but not as much as i hurt emosionally. i dont know what to do for the best. my boss has gone away and someone else is incharge for awhile, i dont want to tell him, but they are sending me on a course next week and im scared of going on my own cause isnt very close, i cant get out of it and i cant sleep thinking about it.
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Heather
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If your ribs are still hurting, I'd encourage you to get to a clinic/doctor and get an x-ray. It's sometimes very easy to break ribs, and if you still have pain a month later, you may well be walking around with a broken one.

In terms of your work trip, you might actually find that a change of scenery helps, but if you just don't feel able to travel right now, I'd suggest just cancelling it by perhaps saying you've been having a family issue or some such.

For a way to get support and talk, in person, in the UK, why don't you have a look here to start: http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

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todaytomorrownever
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I work in a job were they move you around abit, never too far from home, but 30minute train jouneys etc, when it happened i told my boss and got two days off work, but when i got back he made sure no one sent me too far, he was great really, but now another guy is incharge for abit, i cant tell him i dont wanna go on the course, he will ask alot of questions and wont think my answers are good enough, if it was down to him id still be moving around like normal, but another person in the company sorts out the staffing so its ok. i really cant not do the course, ive tryed to think of ways out of it but i cant.

my ribs dont hurt as much as they did, they really hurt, like i had to sleep on my back and even then wasnt comfortable, sitting hurt but now its more like a num painful ache. i dont like doctors and hospitals, id prefer them to get better on there own, nothing bad will happen though will it??

the problem is i loved him, love him, i dont know anymore but we went out for ages, he got angry alot, took it out on me, but i loved him, he was my everything, but he really hurt me last year so i ended it, didnt go down very well but he just went and i never saw him again til last month. you see my mum doesnt no i smoke so when she goes to sleep and i cant, i go for a cigatte, he knows i used too cause i use to ring him there. they were waiting for me, i go there bout 1am every other night or so.

I feel really stupid though cause that night i went down the road and saw his car parked, i didnt no the licence plate or anything but his make, his colour. i didnt think anything of it but when i got to the path it seemed wrong, i thought i was being stupid so walked down abit, the next thing i knew i was on the floor, with this guy on top of me, i didnt reconise him, he smelt, i can't get rid of that smell. it was so quiet, i was so scared, i tryed to get away but he was on me, he smacked my head back on the floor, i think i must of been knocked out or something cause next thing i knew my trousers were off. he got up and one of the other guys held me down, he undid his trousers, stamped on my ribs, then raped me, it hurt so much, he smiled when he finished, got up put his trousers on and was going to walk away, then the guy that was holding me down said 'wait' he looked back and smiled, he held me down and the other one raped me, i knew i should of screamed or tried harder to get away but my head and ribs, and i felt num, thats when i saw my ex, the guy was raping me and my ex was just watching! i dont understand. why did he watch? why were they waiting for me? when the secong guy had finished the one holding me down let go, kicked me in the ribs again and they all went, they just left me there. is it normal to bleed after rape? i heard there car go, and i slowing got up and went home, laid in my bed all night. i still feel num, i dont no how else to describe it.
the next day i got a phone call, well 3 phone calls, as soon as i picked up it went dead. then the texts started. i dont want to go to the police, i dont want my mum to know, i dont want anyone else to know, i shouldnt of told anyone! i cant believe i told 3 people. the first person i told was my boss, though a text because i was scared to say it, had to tell him because didnt feel up for work. then my friend, though a text, and the guy i work with i wrote it down, i cant say it, i wanna be able to talk so its not hurting anymore in my head, but it i can't even say i was attacked/raped how can i?
what should i do?
i have so many questions and i dont know who to ask.

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todaytomorrownever
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im sorry i shouldnt of said all that, its making me sick, i keep panicing, someone please reply?
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orca
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I'm so sorry no one responded sooner. Are you doing okay?

I really hate to say it, but based on what you've said here, it sounds like your ex orchestrated the entire thing. It hurts to be betrayed by someone you know and love, and I'm really sorry that it happened to you. I hope, though, that you have cut all contact with him. Do you still have those text messages they sent you? If so, were you to decide to go to the police, you could show those messages as additional proof.

Why are you so afraid to go to the police? Would it help to talk to someone at a hotline first? Hotlines will keep your information anonymous, so you won't have to worry about them telling anybody anything you say. However, I do think you should go to the police, especially if these men are still threatening you and know where you live. Perhaps you can ask your friend or coworker to go with you to the police?

As for your ribs still hurting, it really would be good to go to the doctor and get it checked out. You might also want to get STI testing done.

You are quite welcome to ask as many questions as you like here. We'll help as much as we can.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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todaytomorrownever
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i just needed someone to listen yesterday, i was being stupid.

what do you mean orchestrated the entire thing?

i delete all the texts that come, i'm scared to read them anymore.

one of the texts said something about the police, i just can't!

a hotline, ring some stanger and talk about all this, i cant:'( i cant do this.

sti testing, how do they do that? im scared of people touching me, a hug anything, makes me feel weird, i was fine before this, why?

i keep having nightmares, i can smell him and feel him, is there anything i can do to make them go away?

i have like daydreams, just were everything sort of stops, i dont no how to explain it, i just see what happened slowly over in my head but its as if its just a chunk of what happened then someone will say my name or something and i will come back to the real world if you know what i mean?

the weirdest thing is i don't want to talk to anyone like my best friend, i thought id want to talk to her about it but i dont, nor my boss, obviously. i want to talk to my coworker, im a 19 year old girl and hes bout 40, i dont fancy him or anything, hes really decent, lovely, friendly sensible guy, he'd listen, im just too scared, i work with him tomorrow and he is going to ask if i'm ok, i want to say no but i say yes automatically. i dont think im making any sence anymore:'( my dad left when i was 3 and i think i think of my co worker as a dad i never had, oh i dont know.

i went into the chemists today and looked at the pregnancy tests, there were loads, and i couldnt buy one, i left really quickly, i'm so so scared about everything.

x todaytomorrownever x

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September
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Calling a hotline isn't so different from talking to us on here. No one is going to judge you or ask you to do anything you're not ready for. But if you call a local hotline, they will be able to point you to in-person resources.

And I do encourage you to get in-person help. I know it is really tough to trust people with something like this, but it sounds like you could really do with some support right now. Someone from a rape counseling center could go with you to get your STI testing done and help you through that (the testing would consit of a gyn exam and a blood test).

Aside from the STI testing, you will also really want to see a doctor about those ribs. A cracked or broken rib will heal on its own, but if you suffered other internal injuries, you will really need medical attention. Again, if you are uncomfortable with being touched, you could ask someone to go with you.

Either way, talking to someone would be a good start. It's no wonder you are overwhelmed right now - no one should have to deal with this sort of thing at all, ever, and if it does happen, no one should have to go through it alone. And with someone you trust at your side, those uncomfortable things like taking a pregnancy test or getting STI testing done won't be quite so horrible.

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Johanna
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todaytomorrownever
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on here i can write it, i dont have to say it.
internal injuries? are you kidding yer?
i wont let my best friend hug me, the person i trust more than anything, how can i let anyone else?
is it normal to bleed after being raped?
in the evening, i dont know how to say it erm, i feel like, like i need to hurt myself?

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todaytomorrownever
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i'm sorry i just knew if i didnt sent it how it was i would delete that last bit, whats wrong with me?
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September
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No, I am not kidding you. There really is no way we'd make jokes like this about such a serious topic. Getting kicked in the ribs warrants medical attention, and if you are still in pain, that means there is still something that needs to be checked out.

It is not unusual to bleed a little after rough or forced penetration. However, if you are still bleeding over a month after the rape, that is also something to see a doctor about.

I understand that it is hard to open up about something like this. Really, I do. I've been there. But trying to ignore this won't help, either. I would urge you, again, to really start by calling a local hotline.

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Johanna
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todaytomorrownever
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it doesnt hurt that much!
no im not still bleeding, just i was. im not seeing a doctor, i cant, i said i cant. please.

what hotline?
wats wrong with me, y do i want to hurt myself?

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September
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Obviously we cannot talk you into something you are not ready for. So if seeing a doctor is absolutely out of the question right now, then that is how it is. However, your health is a concern here, and you should try to work towards seeing a doctor.

There is nothing wrong with you. You've suffered through something horrible and you are trying to deal with it the best way you can. Feeling depressed, helpless and self-destructive is not uncommon. If it gets too bad, try to distract yourself by doing things you like (such as reading your favourite book, drawing, writing, jogging, etc).

By hotline I meant a local crisis hotline. You can find numbers for those online or in the phone book. Since those are both free and anonymous, they're a great way to start reaching out. You don't need to actually go anywhere, the call won't show up on your phone bill and you can end the conversation whenever you want.

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Johanna
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todaytomorrownever
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so i could ring and just put the phone down if i got scared?

i didnt know when i could say this, everything is sort of coming out in the wrong order but i was raped when i was a kid, everyday after school for two years(no one knows sept my ex), ive never had sex by choice, my ex knew that, when we were together i told him when we were just lying in bed and he put his hand on my breast and said 'are you still easy?' i didnt do anything, i got scared, he said sorry and hugged me. two weeks later was the first time he hit me, and then raped me, i stayed with him because i was scared, he counted how many times he raped me on my back with a knife. when we ended he said 'you will regret that, all u want is hard sex' he hit me in the face and left. i dont understand why he got two other guys to rape me, why not him? why now? why me?

something else-i no i send its not bleeding anymore but it kinda still hurts, is that ok?

thank you for listening and everything, you dont know how much i appriciate it.

x todaytomorrownever x

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todaytomorrownever
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i didnt want this, i didnt want any of this, i keep being sick, i didnt say no, i thought about it and i never said no, i didnt want it, honest, but i didnt say no!
i hurt myself,just now, why is this happening? i keep having panic attcks or something

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JamsessionVT
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Yup, you could absolutely do that, if you get nervous. Understand, though, that the people who work answering these hotlines are like us: they want to help you in any way that they can, even if that means just listening.

Your health is really important: obviously, like September said, if seeing a doctor is just out of the question, than it's out of the question. But you should try and do you best to work towards getting some medical attention, okay?

None of this is your fault. None of it. Saying no can be a hard thing, and for many women, it doesn't always mean that the abuse stops. You did nothing wrong here, and you didn't bring this upon yourself.

I know this is terribly hard for you. Hang in there.

[ 05-09-2008, 08:18 PM: Message edited by: JamsessionVT ]

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todaytomorrownever
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i might try ringing later, try! i cant do more than try yer?
doctor is out of the question. what do u mean work towards getting medical help?

it is my fault, your just trying to be nice.

thank you

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September
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By working towards getting help, we mean trying to mentally prepare yourself and getting yourself to a place where you can deal with getting medical help. If you need some time to get there, that's understandable, but you really should make it a priority.

For example, if it would help you to take someone with you, do that. You don't even have to tell them what happened, just something like "There is something going on that I am not ready to talk about, but I need to see a doctor and I am afraid to go alone, will you please come with me?" would absolutely suffice. Any good friend would be willing to help you out there.

And Abbie is not just trying to be nice: you really are not at fault here. You never asked to be abused. There is nothing anyone can do that gives someone the right to abuse them. What your ex boyfriend and his friends did was WRONG, they had no right to this and rest assured that they know the blame lies with them.

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Johanna
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todaytomorrownever
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i tried to go to the hospital today because i saw one of them and they punched my in the ribs, and i coughed up alittle bit of blood, not alot, just like a tiny bit, i got there(the hospital) and started to panic ALOT, it felt like i couldnt breathe, i was walking in and a nurse asked if she could help me (i think i looked quite panicy) i freaked, said 'no thanks' and walked off and ran all the way home (about 2 miles)! i'm worried but i'm scared. i've been to the hospital before and everything but this is different, what if they ask questions? i don't think i'd want a friend there, i don't know why but i feel like this is my problem and i have to sort it on my own.

why do i feel like its my fault then? i walked down there in the middle of the night! id seen his car! it seemed all wrong! i didnt scream, i didnt cry, i even gave up trying to get away! i didnt say no! i let it happen! in there texts they always say i wanted it, i didnt stop them!

they've been texting me all day today, once every 30mins probably! its making me go mad.

they came into where i work today, left like 2 minytes later, but feels like they are watching me.

how can i make myself safer?

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hs123
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You can make yourself safer by going to the police. I know it seems like it's impossible right now, but if someone is stalking you like this, someone who you know is dangerous, for your own safety you should report it.

It might also be a good idea to stay somewhere else for awhile, like a friend's house. You should also try to avoid doing anything really routine- like you said you go down to the alley to smoke late at night a lot. If someone knows this, they know where to find you. You need to not let them find out where you are.

As for the hospital, I've found it does help to take a friend with you. I'm sure it's not for everyone though. If you are coughing up blood though, it's very important that you see a doctor. They probably will ask questions, but really, you don't have to answer anything you don't want to. If you're just worried about having to say things, meaning, the reason you can post here is because it's easier to write it, then it wouldn't be a bad idea to print out some of the stuff you've written.

Feeling like it's your fault isn't really abnormal. But it's not, and that's what you need to keep telling yourself. It's not your fault. You didn't ask for this to happen, this isn't your fault.

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September
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I second hs123: if you are coughing up blood, you need to be seen by a doctor. The people in an ER are going to be more concerned with treating you than they will be with finding out what happened, so you don't have to answer any questions you don't want to. Though seriously, if these guys are waiting for you outside your house and checking up on you at work, you should really think about getting the police involved. What these guys are doing is NOT okay on an epic scale, you are NOT to blame for any of this and you deserve any and all help you can get here.

This isn't a burden you need to carry on your own. It just really isn't. You didn't ask for any of this and there is no reason why you should struggle through this on your own. Any good friend would gladly be there for you, and if you saved those text messages and showed them to the police (especially if you've also got records from the hospital of getting treated), they WILL have to take action.

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todaytomorrownever
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What if they see me going to the police??

its not an alley, its like a lane where no cars really go. ive stopped smoking there, but that means i never really sleep for more than two hours a night. i stay at my friends twice a week as it is, mum will think something up.

they can always find where im working if they wanted too, when they came to work today they grabbed my hand and got a knife out and cut my knuckel, just to warn me to keep quiet.

hospital-im scared because id have to take my top off wouldnt i? i dont want them to see anything, scares etc. and i wouldnt want any questions being asked.

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hs123
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All the more reason to go to the police if they are showing up at your work, if they know everything about you- you need to get some sort of restraining order, which the police are capable of doing. If you decide to go, BRING A FRIEND WITH YOU! The point right now is that you really shouldn't be alone. If these people can find you and possibly harm you, then you need to not be alone, because you are probably most vulnerable and most at danger when you're alone.

As for the hospital, it really is important that you go. And it seems that it's becoming more important. You don't have to do anything you don't want to, like take your shirt off, though they may ask you to- you can always ask that a nurse be in the room... That's why I used to always bring a friend...
As for them asking questions... It's their job, so they probably will ask, but you don't have to answer. Their job is to treat what is physically wrong with you, so even if you don't tell them how it happened, they do have to treat it.

It's really important that you protect yourself right now, and by telling the police you are doing that. The police will be able to protect you best.

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hs123
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Also, another benefit of going to the emergency room is that you can report it to the police there, which in your case may be safer than actually going to the police station.

But the emergency room is very equipt to handle things like this.

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todaytomorrownever
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thank you, i really appriate you all trying to help me!

i have loads of cuts on my back (my ex's count of how many times hes raped me, i think its 56), i have a stab wound scare on my side, and obviously some bruses from my ribs, plus my top off, just in a bra, i do'nt knwo if i could do that.

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hs123
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Most likely, they will not ask you to just strip down. They will probably ask you to change into a hospital gown, which though it is uncomfortable, you're not completely exposed. Again, you don't have to do any of this if you don't want to. You can say that you're uncomfortable with it, and would rather be examined fully clothed.
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Heather
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Just to be clear: You need to assure your own safety right now.

Given, when someone who attacks or abuses us gives us a directive -- I was just explaining this in a self-defense class I was teaching the other day -- they are letting us know what we would do that would foil their plans. When someone does something to try and quiet you or tells you you need to be quiet like this, what they are really saying is, "If you talk, I'm going down."

Do not follow their directives: to keep yourself safe, to get safe, you NEED to find a way to step up and defy them. Go and report all of this stuff: the assault, the previous abuse, and the harassment and abuse now. You have more reason to be scared of them without doing anything to get yourself safe than you do by taking action to have safety. Even though it makes you uncomfortable, it's past time to tell someone who cares about you and will help you do these things. Honestly, while it stinks you should have to do any of this, if you do not take some action, you are keeping yourself endangered.

And until you can make a move in this direction, there's just not much else we can do to help. that needs to be your first priority.

[ 05-10-2008, 02:58 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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todaytomorrownever
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i can't, i tried, ive spend 12 years trying to go to the police about when i was a child!! i understand its important, but i am SO scared you don't understand! really i'm really really scared, i no i have to do these things but im scared!!

i keep being sick-twice a day roughly, could that be pregnant or just because i keep thinking about it?

my ex just text me!!!!!!!!!!!said 'i'm sorry this is all happening, it's all getting out of control, you know i love you, meet me tonight 2am, we will take a drive, sort all this out, ok?'

WHAT DO I DO?

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hs123
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Absolutely do not respond, and do not go with him. If I were you, I would stay somewhere else tonight, somewhere where he cannot find you, since he might be looking for you tonight.

As well, I know that it's hard to go the police, but really, I think it's a must. Nobody here is saying that it's easy, certainly I'm not. But, this being scared all the time, it's really likely only to continue unless you seek help.

Have you thought about going to a local crisis center? They're better equipt to handle these things, and certainly will be respectful about you not wanting to be interrogated. As well, they will be able to direct you to the police, and help you report it. They will help make the whole process easier on you.
At this point though, you really need to report the stalking.

Again, you can do it a number of places. You can do it at the emergency room, or the police station, or a local crisis center can help you contact the police.

You being sick could be caused by a number of things. It could be simply because you are stressed and terrified, but since you were coughing up blood you really do need to get yourself to a doctor to find out.

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September
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At this point, there is nothing we can do here but urge you to get medical care ASAP. Be that by going to an ER, by seeing a physician you know and trust, by going to a crisis center and asking someone there to accompany you to the hospital, or by simply calling an ambulance.

And you know, it really would be best for your own safety if, while you're at it, you tell the doctor who's treating you the truth. They will have to involve the police, and that's honestly the best thing for you right now. These guys are endangering you, they have been doing so for a while, and you just really need to get the chance to take care of yourself and calm down and recover from all this a little. None of that will happen while you have to fear for your safety.

So, please: do whatever you need to get to a safe place.

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todaytomorrownever
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phone the ambulance, thats for emergancys isnt it?

ok to be honest you are all starting to scare me, have you all been to the hospital about all this kinda thing?

everything in my head seems wrong.


honestly there has always been something wrong, ive never really spoken about all this, i thought it was the sort of thing you keep quiet?! when i was younger and was raped everyday, the guy that did it said he was a policeman, i obviously dont no if he was/is, used handcuffs and showed me his badge but i was only about 7-10ish could of been plastic i guess, but see why im scared?? i no if he is i can go to a far away police station etc and i no they arnt all like it but it reminds me of when i was younger.

i dont have to lie here do i? i can say everything yer?

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todaytomorrownever
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its 9.40pm in the uk, its bit too late to ask mum to drive me to a friends for the night!
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hs123
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Yes, an ambulance is for emergencies, but as well, it's for someone who really needs medical attention and can't get to the hospital themselves...

On a personal note, yes I have been to the hospital for something like this- i'm sure a lot of people who've posted here would second that. I'm not telling you it's easy, or fun or anything like that, but it's still something that needs to be done. September is right, there's really only so much anyone can do here, you need to get yourself to a doctor.

I see why your scared, which is why I would suggest reporting it at the emergency room, or contacting a crisis center first. Either way, you need to report it.

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