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Author Topic: I feel guilty and frustrated.
PurpleSky
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I am 21 years old now and about four or five years ago I was...(I never say the word, it is very hard for me)....raped. I ended up getting pregnant and than having an abortion. I dont remember all or almost any of the details of any of it. I wasn't drugged or anything, I just went well out of my way to pretent it never happened. I never told anyone it happened until about a year ago, when I told my fiance. Eventaully I just forgot what happened, or locked it somewhere away deep inside me. I feel guilty for forgetting the detials, and really frustrated sometimes too. When I do have triggers and remember little bits, I get frustrated I can't remember more, but I want to. As much as it would be paintful, I think it might help. The guy who violated me, had been my boyfriend for two years, and I didn't said no, but I didnt agree to it either. I certainly DID NOT give any signals that I wanted to. He pinned my arms and then proceeded with things against my will. I didn't put up a huge fight because I didn't feel there was point. There was no chance I was going to get free and nobody would have heard me, so I thought it would just make it worse. I feel guilty for not putting up more of a fight and maybe like a didn't try hard enough. And I feel guilty for not being able to remember what happened.
Posts: 4 | From: Vancouver Island | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
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I'm sorry that happened to you. It sounds like you went through a pretty rough time, and are still going through a rough time. You shouldn't feel guilty for not fighting back. When you are in that situation, it's hard to fight back sometimes. Everyone reacts in different ways when they are in that situation: some people fight back, some scream, some cry, some freeze up, and then there are several other reactions that people have. No reaction is a bad one, either. The only person who should feel guilty here about anything is the man who raped you.

Forgetting details of it also isn't something to feel guilty about. For a lot of people, it's just easier to forget. It's a coping mechanism, and everyone has a different one. Have you spoken to a therapist about what happened? Would you like to? If you do, I could help you find some resources for your area. I'm also going to link you an article on dealing with rape and some of the different coping mechanisms some people have. If you want, we can also talk about this here, if you feel comfortable with that.

Dealing With Rape

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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PurpleSky
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I have fianlly after much hunting and wait lists found a therapist. I first looked at the womens assult centre in my city and the wait list was like a year. I then started seeing another therapist who than left the centre she was working in. I then began looking for other therapists with expereince in this and finally found one. I've only just started seeing her, but we seem to get along really well and hopfully she wont switch jobs or anything like happened before because I find it hard, to have had to keep switching therapists.

My question is how do I remember what happened, instead of having these little bits of info that I remember. I think it would help bring some closure to the situation if I could be remember, and be like "yeah this is what happened," rahter than not knowing all of it. Also I have these dreams that "wake up in a panic" but I dont remember them at all. My finace is the one who always tells me that I wake up in a panic in the middle of the night, and he tucks me back in, but I never remember any of it. Is this bad?

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orca
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Like that article I linked you mentioned, nightmares can certainly be a part of the process, and there is a certain part of the sleep process during which you cannot remember the dreams you have. Also, it's pretty common that people do forget their nightmares once they wake up, so it isn't something to worry about. What you might find helps is to keep a small notebook by your bed and record the fragments of the dreams that you do remember. You could also keep a small notebook with you at all times so when you do remember some details of what happened you can write them down.

Why exactly do you want to remember it so badly? And what has your therapist said about this? Or are you not quite at that point with her yet?

I am glad that you have already sought out therapy. That's a big step and one that a lot of people have trouble doing, so it shows that you are definitely determined to overcome this and that you can do it. You might also find that support groups help, too. With support groups it is a bit of a different experience than therapy as it isn't one-on-one but you can share experiences with other people and see how far they are in the healing process and what steps they took to get there.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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PurpleSky
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I think I want to remember because, I feel like if I remember, I can acknowledge and move past it, rather than being contantly hung up, thinking about, and trying to remember what exactly happened. Maybe it also has to do with feeling guilty about not remembering. I haven't really got this far with her yet. I just finished reading the article that you linked and I found the first few paragraphs very encouraging. I am journaling them to share with my therapist.
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orca
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That's certainly an understandable reason for wanting to remember. I think it's fine to try and piece it together, so long as you don't stress yourself with it and feel guilty about it. Take it one day at a time, and just write about it as you remember it, but don't try to force it. Forcing it is only likely to stress you out. Do you do any kind of creative work like writing or painting or drawing or singing, or anything of that nature? I find even cooking helps because it alleviates some of the tension I feel and it can help me to sort through some things, but that's just me. Finding your own way to do that might help. I know some people who also find knitting to be very beneficial.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Stephanie_1
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You know hon, part of the process with some people is to not remember all of what happened. If you’ve ever heard about the disassociation theory – your brain works to in a way block out the painful memories. Even when you want to remember as a part of therapy for yourself, your brain simply doesn’t allow you to. And part of this process is that our brain is trying to protect us and when you’re honestly ready to face what happened in it’s entirety your brain will allow it to be seen. The best thing that you can do is actually to not force memories to come back all at one time. And your therapist will likely be able to help you to not only bring about these memories but also in dealing with them as they do resurface.

And you won’t constantly be standing in one spot. Healing though is a process, and it does take time to happen. The process of healing too is a very individual thing – and not everyone goes through the same stages at the same time. If you’re not remembering nightmares and someone telling you that you’ve had one – you may not have come funny awake. It’s nothing to be alarmed about, it happens. It’s great that you have such as supportive fiancee so as you do remember pieces or remember a dream you aren’t alone n dealing through the feelings that may arise. And don’t be upset with yourself for not remembering – it’s completely natural and definitely not your fault. Some people don’t remember – others remember every detail and wish they could lock it away somewhere. It’s all a part of that individualism in dealing though what’s happened.

Perhaps you should bring up to your therapist how frustrated this makes you feel. It would be a good way to start discussing your feeling in their entirety – and she can likely help you to find ways with the feelings you’re dealing through. And of course we’re always here if you need to talk. But just know that everything you’re feeling is completely normal.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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PurpleSky
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Thank you so much for your quick responses, and support. I have just finished journaling all of this which I have discussed with you, and am going to bring it to my therapist during my next appointment. The past few days have been not so good. So you support and quick responses have been very much appreciated.
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Stephanie_1
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The days will get better, and the more you're able to talk and really focus your thoughts and feelings the more you'll be able to deal through what's happened. It sounds like your therapy is really a positive for you at this point, and the journaling is a great idea. Writing things down not only serves as a basis for exactly what to bring up and discuss in therapy sessions, but also a great creative outlet for healing. Just remember that it's perfectly okay to not remember everything right now, things will come into place as you continue to heal and work through everything.

[ 04-29-2008, 11:14 PM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3428 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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