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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Trusting him

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Author Topic: Trusting him
AmbersoontobeKeeling
Neophyte
Member # 36763

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When I was a child, I was molested by my stepfather, and while I was in high school, I was raped twice. The last time I had consentual sex was 2 years ago, but while we were having sex, I got flashbacks, pushed him off hard and started crying. He hurt me even more by getting upset and calling me crazy. Now I am engaged to a wonderful man and I love him with everything I have, however I am scared that when we have sex this will happen again. While I know that my fiance understands what happened and would never push me, I just don't want to be in that position again and I definitely do not want it to hurt the relationship that we have. How do I keep this from happenening again?

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~*~Amber Rose~*~

Posts: 4 | From: USA | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
Activist
Member # 29292

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Are you into couseling Amber for your past abuse and rape ? If not, is that something you are thinking about doing ? Counseling could really help you dealing with your rape and abuse and possibly help you overtime to lessen some of your triggers and flashbacks.

There is really no rush to have sex, especially more so when you are a rape/abuse survivor and I'm glad to know that your partner is willing to go at your own speed and not pressure you. That's how a great caring partner should act, really. It sounds to me, from what you told us, that you might just not be ready yet to have sex again and there is nothing wrong at all with waiting until you are more ready to do so.

One thing you could do though and that might help, is to discuss your worries with your partner if you are comfortable doing so of course at this point.

And thanks for sharing your story Amber with us. I know how hard this can be sometimes. [Smile]

[ 01-29-2008, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

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Cool is right, there is no rush to having sex. Having sex after something like rape/abuse is never an easy thing. A huge piece to think about is taking things slow. Your fiancee being so understanding is a great thing, and from what you’ve said – he would be there for you if you had to push him away.

Although it’s different for everyone, it may help to know that a lot of the triggers in this situation can come from the feeling of “Being trapped” or “Having no way out”. Because sex is an individual type of thing between each partner, there is no rule that a guy has to be on top the first time. Sometimes for someone who has survived rape / abuse, the feeling of being trapped that may cause triggers can be lessened greatly by having an “easy escape rout” – hence not having someone “holding you down” so to speak. So try things one step at a time, and slowly. If you start to feel uncomfortable, take a step back as the feelings come rather than trying to force the feelings to leave and talk about what’s going on. It’s not something you’ll ever forget (as I’m sure you know) but it is something that gradually you can begin to deal with in your own way. I wish you all the best!

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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