Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » What does battering look like?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: What does battering look like?
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
If any of you have not seen this yet, I'd strongly encourage you to take a look:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGcAzX9E3qU

(I will warn you, it is very painful to watch and may trigger.)

This segment was exceptionally well done, and I think it's a very good wakeup call for those in need of one.

Sadly, it's also a very good illustration of how children often learn to abuse: statistically, it's very well supported that many male abusers were sons who watch their fathers abuse their mothers.

I'll save my own commentary for later and just leave the video and the floor for you right now.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Leabug
Activist
Member # 27966

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Leabug     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
That was difficult to watch- but I think it's an important thing to see. So many girls seem to think that they could never end up in an abusive relationship- that it only happens to certain "types" of people- but this woman is your average woman, and it happened to her.

I shudder to think of what sort of impact this would make on their sons (they had three, I think?)

(Just as a side note, there are definately some ignorant comments being made below that video- I hope our users keep in mind that the person named "SurgeonGG" is very wrong in saying that the woman deserved her abuse because she didn't leave right away. No woman deserves to be abused.)

--------------------
Lea

Posts: 2332 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
Activist
Member # 29292

Icon 1 posted      Profile for cool87         Edit/Delete Post 
Yep...you were so right on that. It definatly is really difficult to watch. I gotta say it just makes me really angry everytime I see something like this, it's in time like these that I wish I could do something but I just can't. I think it's so unfair. Why would any women have to endure something like that ? It just is so unnaceptable, really. It doesn't make any sense. What this men did is so disgusting really and I strongly hate him for what he did to his wife and son. It's just really sad to see situations like that and those aren't some ''rare'' situations, they are quite common unfortunatly.

--------------------
Sustain Scarleteen by donating
http://www.scarleteen.com/donate.html

Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
God, that was pretty difficult. But I'm at the same time so happy they showed it. The issue is really kept hush-hush, and so few people KNOW what DV really looks like outside of the movies or TV shows. I really liked especially how it really painted the woman's picture; people -- like some of those those YouTube comments, which are renowned for being ignorant and lacking (not to mention trolling ground), so there's no need for anyone to get angrier/sadder reading them -- are quick to assume it's somehow the female's fault for staying, so I found it very helpful that they gave her motivations for staying and described the dynamics that kept her down.

[ 09-20-2007, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Narwhal
Activist
Member # 34755

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Narwhal     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
That was difficult to watch. Against my better judgment, I read some of the comments and...yeah, that kind of ignorance is exactly why we *need* to have real discussions about DV and why it's often hard for the victims to escape.

I'm glad in particular that they discussed the way that the husband cut her off from family and friends who might have supported her, because that's such a huge component in a lot of abuse. And from what I've seen, people who are trying to help someone who is abused often get really frustrated because it seems like the person they're trying to help is pushing them away. I think it's really important to understand that it can be hard for someone in an abusive situation to accept help.

I have mixed feelings about the sentencing and the judge's reaction. Not because I disagree with the sentence--I think he deserves every day of it--but because I'm frustrated that other abusers, who are better at covering their tracks, aren't always brought to justice. But that judge was right in seeing that this was a particularly egregious case--the existence of the tape not only proved how severe the abuse was, but was itself part of the abuse.

Posts: 147 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SFgrrrl
Activist
Member # 35244

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SFgrrrl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
As sad as the video was, it's also sort of sad (in a different way) to hear the judge state that he thought the situation was unusual, huh?
Posts: 207 | From: Bay Area, CA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alice
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 28346

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Alice     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The thing that got me was when asked why she didn't just leave, she said that she didn't want to "destroy" her family by breaking them apart. (I don't think I even need to explain here why that's so sadly ironic) In a smaller way I can relate to that, and oh boy, what a reality check.

I need to go back and watch the last 1.5 minutes, I couldn't take it anymore and turned it off but I want to hear the judge's comments.

Thank you for sharing this.

Posts: 1180 | From: WA | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kiss_me_stupid
Neophyte
Member # 34749

Icon 1 posted      Profile for kiss_me_stupid     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
that was something i neva want to see again. that was cruel and just plain out of order towards that poor helpless woman. im glad that man went to prison for that amount of time, serves hime right. the question which bugs me is where did that man learn such abuse like that, and what changed from him being such a nice handsome man to being down right abusive? that video will neva leave me, and it just goes to show how minipulative some people in this world can be towards other people. God bless
Posts: 18 | From: england | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
where did that man learn such abuse like that, and what changed from him being such a nice handsome man to being down right abusive?
A lot of abusers are "nice, handsome men." In other words, if abusers looked like what people think abusers should look like right from the start, far fewer people would wind up trapped in abusive relationships.

This man, like other abusers, likely started out being an abuser. He simply waited it out a little while before starting to abuse, and then the abuse escalated, as it tends to. A lot of the time, we'll get users posting here about the very start of abuse -- controlling how someone dresses, for instance, sexual coercion, big jealousy or possesiveness, etc. -- and we'll make clear those are warning signs, but it's often very hard for people to believe that someone they care for, who says they care for them -- who they want to care for them -- WILL escalate to full-blown abuses. However, they really usually do.

As to where abuse is learned, that's a really big question, and one several groups of researchers have been trying to suss out for some time. What we know so far is that often, abusive patterns and behaviours are learend very early on, in childhood and adolescence. Many male abusers -- like this women's son, for instance -- grew up watching their fathers abuse their mothers. that doesn't mean everyone who grows up with abuse will become an abuser, by any means, but it does mean that a majority of those who do were exposed to abusive dynamics. On the other hand, there are also abusers who did NOT grow up in abuse -- but abusive dynamics aren't that hard to learn in our culture, for anyone. Heck, the idea of what is "romantic" that is often sold to men and women are a bunch of behaviours that are often abusive: think of how often it's touted as loving or romantic for a partner to be jealous or want ownership of a person.

(And SFgrrrl, I hear you.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3