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Author Topic: is this right...?
ice_prinsess
Neophyte
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im guess ill have to tell u guys the full story 4 u to get it... im here with my bf sitting next to me, so this is alot easier 4 me to do with him by-my-side.

when i was 10, (my parents havent been together since i was really little), my dad has raped me. im 17, turning 18 in november. making it 7+ years.
no1 in my family knows about this, the only ppl who know this are my 2 best friends, and bf... all of whome r best friends aswell. i told them in jan/feb, so its all new to me to b talking about this.
he not only rapes me, but abuses me, phisically. he hits, kicks, scratches, pushes, etc etc etc..
he 'visits' me sometimes 3-4 times a week. sometimes more.

he's pushed me down numerical staircases. a few times at home, other times in public places... (when no1 is around, like, at the local public pool, early AM, vertually deserted). had numerous injuries, broken bones a few times, damaged ribs, constant bruises, scratches, etc. the list can really go on, let me tell u.

i havent got any urge to report this, and i know i never will, for some strang reason, i love him, i dont know y, but i do, i cant help it.
when i was young, he was my best friend, i was daddy's little girl. we did everything together, he was my true hero. and i wanted to b just like him, so i dont know why this has happened.

i have a younger sister, who, thankgod, he doesnt harras in any shape or form.

i find it hard to cope with it all, but lately, with the thanx of my bf and friends... its alot easier. no1 knew as i said, till a few months ago, so it was just me, n me alone, which i was fine with, but im kinda glad that they know sometimes, just a bit of relief.

back to the reason y im wriiting to u all...

the other night, i was staying with my bf. we were playing around, getting 'into it'. he got a feeling that it wasnt right, so dropped it. and stoped it there. which was all good.
the thing was, according to him i went into this 'fit', as he explains it, i was huddled into a ball, tenced up, reapeating the word "rapist" over and over, untill he was able to snap me out of it.

this happens sometimes when my father is raping me, not after, but during, i guess its a way of protecting myself......(???? could it be ????)

the thing is... y would this happen when i was previously having sex with MY BOYFRIEND?? not my dad... i knew the difference... my bf stoped. i knew it wasnt my dad. but yet, i went into the same fit as when i do when its my dad raping me.

anyway, thats my question i guess...

--> are these fits normal??
--> if so, why would this happen when its my bf, when it hasnt happened in past sex with him??


another question, is there anything i can say or do to stop him from doing all this, WITHOUT reporting him???

anyway, please let me know.

Posts: 31 | From: sydney | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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Welcome to the boards, ice_prinsess.

I'm really sorry to hear what you've been going through. That sounds like a horrible situation to be in. Obviously, the first suggestion would be to report your father, but I get not wanting to go there, so let's see what we can do in the meantime, okay?

It would be a good start to get away from your father. You say you're nearly 18 - do you have any plans for college? If you're living with your father, is it possible for you to move in with your mother? Are there any other relatives that you could move in with for a while?

You should also really look into some counseling. RAINN is always a good place to start. If you want us to find a place near you, we can do that, too.

To answer your questions - yes, it is normal for rape-victims to get triggered during consentual sex. Our partners can inadvertently do things that trigger us without even noticing. It might be a good idea if you took a break from being sexually active with your partner until you've started seeing a counselor and working through your abuse.

But really, above all - you should report your father. Living with him is dangerous for you. You say he's injured you before, so it's simply not safe for you to be around him. If you don't want to go it alone, you can ask someone to go with you. Many counseling centers focusing on rape-counsling will also offer to accompany abuse victims to the police and help them through the process.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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September
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(Just noticed you're from Sydney. RAINN is a national resource in the US, but it links to http://www.secasa.com.au/, which is an Australian resource. I'm going to look around for additional addresses.)

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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ice_prinsess
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thanx 4 the site, ill take a look at it after this.
ive had sex since that 'fit' and everything was commpletly normal. nothing out of the normal happened. .. which is a good thing.

i live with my mum, and my dad lives with his partner of a about 12 years. with her 2 children. both older than me.
i have only one other relative living in australia, (mums english) but thats my aunty - dads side. she wouldnt allow me to stay with her, she has her own family.
i left school, as in quit, a few weeks ago, with only 6 months left till i get my HSC, i know it sounds stupid to quit, but with so much going on, i wasnt coping with the stress... so university is a no-go.
im planning on working for a year, mayb 2, saving up $ and moving out... thats my best bet.

i dont want to report this for a few reasons,
1. i dont want it to harm my family. my mum has alot of stress, my sister is going through a hard time with friends & past ex bf. they just dont need this atm.
2.my dads an upstanding citizen, he can have everyone fooled. he would just deny the whole thing, and simply say im lying to 'get bak at him'. yet, theres nothing to get bak at him 4.
3.the police arent going to believe me, i have no proof, n if i did, my dad could probly explain it all away.
4.i still love my dad...
5. ive tryed twice already, once with my bf holding my hand, and as we got outside the police station, i just couldnt walk any further. i just had to walk in the other direction. i even get a cold shiver down my spine when i see a policeman walking down the street, and when we drive past a police station.
the other time i tryed, i was by my self, but he found out, and i got hammered 4 it... threw me against a wall, down the stairs, etc. ive had support from my other two friends offer to come with me, n i know it would make it alot easier, but i cant bring myself to doing it.

any ideas on how to over come this whole thing, and be able to report it??
anything i can do, orr my friends can do??

...thanx again.

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ice_prinsess
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just checked that site- http://www.secasa.com.au/
doesnt work...

thanx for ur help anyway [Smile]

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ice_prinsess
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ok, just did a bit of reasearch on google, and i found it.... thanx.
a few things i found out...
"FACT- The "average" offender is likely to be a "normal" married man with a family and a job. He is often well respected in the community and otherwise unidentifiable as an offender."

when/if i report it, what would happen as of there, like, what if they dont believe me?

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Heather
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One thing I'd suggest is hooking up with an incest counseling, support and advocacy group first, ice, so that a) you have some solid support through that process and b) you can talk to people who are very wel-versed as to how to process may go for you in your area. (I confess, I'm not all that well-versed in terms of how reporting tends to go in AU and NZ, save to know that things certainly could be better for victims, but then, they could everywhere, honestly.)

But yes, by all means: it's much more typical for rapists to rape those they know who are close to them than to stranger-rape, and sexual abuse in the family is unfortunately terribly common.

I'm sorry to have been absent from this thread over the last day -- I'm not an incest survivor, but I am a rape survivor and a survivor of other types of family abuse, so when I'm not feeling especially strong, I tend to stay away from threads like this, because I don't want to err just because I'm not in the right headspace for them -- but I also did want to bring up something from your first post.

It's very normative to still feel strong love for a parent who has abused us, and thus, hasn't shown love to us. I hope that you understand that this doesn't mean anything is wrong with you: it's normal for children to love their parents, even when they mistreat them. And, of course, it creates one heck of a conflict when it comes to reporting and doing what we can to hold them accountable for abuse, and we all know that's terribly hard.

Which is one other reason I'd suggest you do talk to a one-on-one incest counselor for yourself as you decide what to do -- you need to feel out what's right for you, what you need, and what you can handle, and it's really important to have strong advocates in your corner to help you through that, because even thinking about it can be so hard.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ice_prinsess
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im really sorry the last day or so havent been the best 4 u *hug*.

thanx 4 that heather. alot of insite there.
when u talk about a councilor, onoe on one... can that b done where they dont have to report it?? like, coz i want to be the one to report it when it comes the right time, not a friend, or a councilor..?
not only that, but there are onyl a hand full of good ones out there, its pointless going a a bad one, as they can only make the whole thing worse. and the good ones ahve more important and more urgent patients to attend to, like, yuonger ppl, or who have gone to them assoon as its happened. ive been going through all this for 7 years b4 i even told someone. and ive only seemed to have had trouble with it all, liek, coping since ive told ppl. ive kept it to myself, and frankly, it was all ok. i never thought about it, i eman, it was always in the bak of my mind, but i was easily able to hide the emotion and pain bak then when no1 knew. now i cant, i just loose it completly.
i cant afford to have this on my mind, or to have problems with this, as everyone around me has terrible problems that i want to concentrate on, and to be able to be there 4 them, to support them. i feel so selfish when i think about it all, about how it can harm so many ppl to report it. i feel like slapping myself when i talk about it to my bf, or 2 best friends.. coz they ahve their own problem, but i just blurt it out, and its then too late, any ideas on how i can stop that?

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Heather
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Absolutely, whether or not you report is up to you. I'd suggest calling a hotline first for counseling, and also that you ask them about AU/Sydney laws in terms of minors and counseling per any mandatory reporting.

Generally, this is not an issue, because there are strict confidentiality guidelines in place between minors and counselors, but it never hurts to double-check, and you're likely going to have to start with a hotline anyway to find counseling in your area.

I agree, a lousy counselor isn't of much help. But a counselor who is used to working with rape and incest cases isn't going to respond the same way friends do: not only do they not know you personally, they don't respond emotionally - it's their job to respond in a way which is helpful to you, and about YOU, not about them or how much it hurts to see people suffer. So, again, I'd start with that hotline, and ask them for help in finding a counselor or support group which specializes in incest.

It's not selfish for you, by the way, to have your own problems and be preoccupied with them any more than it is selfish for the people around you to have problems of their own, honey. So, if these ARE your friends, do you want them to be worried about just blurting out their problems? Probably not: shared support is what friendship is about, for you as well as for them.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ice_prinsess
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thanx, but ive decided to not talk to my friends, full stop. about any of this kinda stuff anymore. its not there problem, nor have they done anything wrong, so why punish them?.
also, y shud i punish my dad for what/s happened/s. he could have a full valid reason for it, like, problems with his partner, stress from his job, stress in general. and i probly gave him a hint as that it was ok, not that i can remember what i could have said or done, i was only 10. for all i knew, i was basicly telling him to, i was 10, i didnt understand it all, so it was easy to have said something or done something, without knowing it.
if i reported him, n it wasnt right, then id feel twice as bad as i actually feel now. but more so, i feel so guilty to b even thinking of turning him in. he's my dad. not some stranger. this can and will ruin him and the rest of our family, and the family friends. everything will do down in flames. its not right.
id feel like a dirty slag (more of one to put it right), to report him. its just not fair on anyone. its just selfish.

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Heather
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There's no valid reason for raping your child. For raping anyone.

Millions of people cope with problems in relationships and jobs and stress without raping their children, and for those who do rape their children, doing so neither repairs those problems, nor does it justify rape -- nothing justifies raping anyone. Too, children don't give "hints" that unwanted and nonconsensual sex with them is okay -- our parents teach us what is normal, and if they teach us rape is normal, we behave as if it is because that is what we learn. That isn't children saying it os okay, it is children brainwashed by abusers who do not, thus, know that it is NOT okay, because their abusers have intentionally tough them to think otherwise. Too? A parent raping their child isn't making some sort of error where they're misunderstanding their child as coming unto them or saying yes: they know, ful and well, that their child is merely being obedient, or what a child perceives as loyal, and they know full well they are doing wrong. They know. Your father -- unless he is severely mentally disabled, or profoundly unintelligent -- did know and has known what he was doing and that it is a serious abuse. He knows what he's done and is doing and he knows it is rape.

I know that's not easy to absorb, and when one does absorb it, it hurts like hell, and it'd be normal for it to take a long time -- years even -- for you to be able to really understand and feel that. It's always doubly challenging for victims of incest because they often feel a lack of loyalty in acknowledging their parents have abused them so terribly, and in holding them accountable, both because they're your parents, and because they've been raised so dysfunctionally, and reliance on a child's loyalty is a very big part of how parental and familial sexual abusers easily keep children quit and doing what they want them to do.

Again, not easy to face and deal with, I know. No one would reasonably expect you to say, "Oh, of course!" right off the bat: you've been conditioned to think otherwise since you were a kid, by the person you trusted most. That's a tremendously large and deep wound, and it takes a long time to heal wounds like that.

I think that right now, what's more important than you reporting is you just being able to talk to someone who can both tell you your options so you know what you're even considering, and help you to do what you can to keep yourself safe from here on out, and to start to heal. Okay? Let's talk reporting later, when you get more to that point where it feels like something you're up to considering and talking about. For now, it's smart to triage a bit: most important is that you get safe, stay safe and start to have some room to heal.

(FYI, by all means, if you don't want to talk to friends about this, and they don't feel okay to talk to, that's 100% your call. But I do hope you can see it as something different than not punishing them with your problems -- are they punishing you when they share with you? You say you want to support them: is that because you're their friend, or because you need to be punished?)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(By the by: do you have a decent library or a budget for book-buying? If so, I'd be glad to suggest some books that may be helpful to you now.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ice_prinsess
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i get where ur coming from about it not being right, but i cant budge the feeling that its wrong to tell. i just feel like im dogging him, being unloyal.
his mum dyed when he was 15, infront of him, he then moved to australia with only his 14 y/o sister, and defended for them selves. mayb this has contributed?
if so, i dont want to pounish him for that. its not his fault, and not fair on him.

it has absorbed, and i just feel like ****, all the time, i feel like crawling into a ball and staying there forever. its always at its worst when i KNOW he's going to come visit me that night. it makes me ill almost. i just sob sometimes, when no1 is home, or when there busy, so they dont know, nor hear me, as i turn my music up loud. with the lights off.

do u have any ideas on how i can stop this? PLEASE!????

ill call a helpline soon, just not yet, not ready for that atm. still a bit sore.

i dont know y,. but it feels like im punishing them, even if im not. i like them talking to me, but its not about something so heavy as this, so its different. ya know.

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ice_prinsess
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sure thing. i have a library not far from me, i just wouldnt bring them home, as someone could find them.
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ice_prinsess
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he was here thismorning, as no1 was home, (work, school, etc) he looked at me, and it was different from the normal look in his eyes... kind of freaked me out. he was exceptionally ruff, and it hurt so much, i have bruises on the insides of my legs. i have bruises on my body, so this makes me so much more self conscience. i dont like to show my body to even my boyfriend, he's seen some bruising, some scratches, and he assures me its ok, but i just cant do it. its almost painfull for me. how could i stop this, i feel so bad for him....

xo

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Heather
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I'm afraid there just is no way to stop feeling the way you are: those feelings are the results of abuse, especially abuse so longstanding, which has gone o for so long, from so young, and with a parent. You have incredibly deep wounds, sweetheart, and there isn't an easy fix for them.

I know that's a crummy answer, but it's the only truthful one. But over time, especially with some real support, some real help in healing, and with getting yourself out of danger, they really can start to be a lot less painful.

Again, people's parents die all the time, some in front of them as teens. People leave home early: I left home early. Rape, for most rapists, is something people choose to do, not something they can't control, or some sort of immediate effect of something that hapened to someone. It's chosen behaviour. Again, I'm very sorry to have all the tough answers, but untruths aren't of much use to anyone.

And again, as September mentioned, I can't encourage you enough to do what you can to get safe. can you leave home? is there another relative you could move in with, even if you feel you need to make up a false reason to do so? A friend's family you could stay with? If none of those are options, even doing things like putting a lock on your door, or falling asleep in more public areas of your home, as fully clothed as possible, might help prevent your father from further assaulting you. If he has not yet (in time, he likely will, as tough as that is to face) assaulted your sister, you might even just ask if you can sleep in her room for now.

In terms of books, a couple I'd suggest are "Invisible Girls: The Truth About Sexual Abuse--A Book for Teen Girls, Young Women, and Everyone Who Cares About Them," by Patti Feuereisen and Caroline Pincus, "How Long Does It Hurt: A Guide to Recovering from Incest and Sexual Abuse for Teenagers, Their Friends, and Their Families," by Cynthia L. Mather, Kristina E. Debye, Eliana Gil, and Judy Wood, and "The Me Nobody Knows: A Guide for Teen Survivors" by Barbara Bean and Shari Bennett.

Too, know that when you call the hotline, you can ask about local support groups: groups of other survivors that would provide you a way to share your feelings with peers, and seek out support, but without feeling like you're tossing something heavy on them they aren't on you, since you'd all be sharing the same sorts of things.

Big hugs your way, ice_prinsess. I can't express how sorry I am that you've had to go through all of this -- no child should ever, ever have to be betrayed this way.

[ 06-20-2007, 10:36 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ice_prinsess
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i cant bare the thought that there is nothing u can do to get rid of the feelings. there must be. i just know it. its out there somewhere.
i stay with my boyfriend and his mum 2 nights a week, and he comes to mine about 1 night a week, dad doesnt come when my bf is over. thats 3/7 nights a week... about. but the other nights, he comes. sometimes he doesnt rape me, he just abuses me, phisically. he's broken my ribs b4, from throwing me down the stairs... ive become winded a few times, most recently, the other week, i still have a horrible cough from that time.
times i sit on the fone to my bf at 3-4am, so he wont do anything to me, but he just gets fed up and gets me off the fone. ive slept on the couch, and that doesnt stop him. i generally wear alot of clothes as it is, being winter atm, i get cold easily, and i have bruises all over my body, so i cover them up with clothing.
he wouldnt go near my sister, i know he wouldnt, he knows that she will open her mouth. she was slightly abused by an ex bf recently, and she told on the night basically. dad knows she would open her mouth. shes a 21y/o ina 14y/o's body.

i will probly call a hot line with my boyfriend, as support, but id need to chek with him, its so hard to bring it up,but i will.
he's been on this site b4, sking for advise on me.. i didnt know at the time, untill he had already done it... under- raped by her dad. so yea.
this is a very helpfull forum, it opens eyes. id just like to let all u guys know that. ur doing a fabulous job.

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Heather
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Like I said, there isn't nothing that can be done to help with how you're feeling: there just isn't anything that can make those feelings instantly or magically go away. believe me, if there was, one of the many other abuse or rape victims would have found it by now.

So, again, there ARE things that can help. getting away from the place where you are endanger absolutely will help: not only will it prevent you from being assaulted -- physically or sexually -- further, it will finally give you space to heal, because you don't have to keep living in the survival mode you're in, and will also limit the triggers you'll have in the place and around the person who has abused and is still abusing you. Given how severe your physical abuse can be, it may also save your life, so it's no minor thing. This is another reason to consider reporting if you have no other options: and I don't want to alarm you, or put more on you, but do know that what your sister's character is like may not have any influence on if your father starts abusing her (or some other girl nearby) or not, especially once you are no longer at home, and he's out a victim. People who sexually abuse for years and years don't just stop because the person they're abusing isn't available anymore: they just find someone else to abuse.

Too, in-person, one-on-one support -- a kind we really can't give here -- and long-term counseling and help helps a LOT. So, the sooner, the better. Looking at your boyfriend's first post here -- and it's WONDERFUL you have someone who was that invested in your safety to have posted here -- I cannot imagine he would not be more than 100% willing to sit with you while you do that.

Hang in there, and please do all you can -- to whatever level you are able -- to keep yourself safe until you can make that call, okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ice_prinsess
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that just hurts to think that there is no way of getting rid of it. the only thing is time???? whats that? with the councilors of today, it shouldnt be like that, there needs to b something! i wont accept the fact that there isnt.

yeah, he is truely great, he really cares about me... i think. lol. i would never know how he feels 100%, only he would. but he is good, he helps me out, and supports me whenever i need it. he doesnt pressure me to do anything with him, which is just amazing, as other guys ive been with do.
he knows how to cheer me up, and make me smile, and when i he holds me, its like no1 can come near. he's met my dad, so yeah.
he's actually stopped me from cutting myself, at one stage i was suicidal... tryed to end it all. he stopped me.... thankgod... coz it worked....

i will try and talk to a my aunty to stay there for a while, but she recently had a hip replacment, so she has her hands full with the kids, i offered to help, she said said it was ok. so i left it there. the only other family i have live in england... on my mums side. so id have to move there. besides for that, only like, one friend could have me, but her parents r going through divorce...

so i guess im sticking it out here.

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Heather
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Ice, I feel like you aren't hearing me, since I tried to be very clear that time alone wasn't all that helped, but indeed, that sound support and counseling over time, as well as getting yourself in a safe environment, usually DO help a great deal.

Get rid of it 100%? That, not so much, and that's not because counselors are holding out on anyone: that's because rape -- especially ongoing rape -- from a parent causes a very profound and deep injury. I wasn't raped by a parent, but I can tell you that per my early-teenage rape, at this point in my life -- with changes to environment, with lots of support and counseling -- I do feel pretty darned good most of the time. But that doesn't mean this isn't still part of me, and it doesn't mean that even 25 years later -- as it is -- I don't still have some issues I likely always will, but then, we're hard pressed to find anyone without residual issues from various traumas in life.

But the person to be angry about that with isn't a counselor: it's the rapist.

Sounds like your aunt might be a great choice: maybe just say you'd really like to help, and it also sure sounds like she could use it!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ice_prinsess
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ok, i gave my aunty a call, and she insists that she doesnt need my help, i hold her im having rpoblems at home, and she just keeps saying "i have work, were all busy, we dont need you standing around, mayb another time"
so i just agreed. i guess everything will come together.

sorry if it sounded like i wasnt hearing u, i was, its just how i feel. atm, alot is going on for me, not with alll this, but family things aswell, nothing seems to go write, everything i do or say is wrong, or misguided. i understand where your coming from, and ill take it in as much as possible.
i know things will never be back to the way there were b4 this happened. i know it will always be there, its me, and my story, i wish i could erase it, but i cant, nor will i. just work through it all. but time is ultimatly what is needed to be able to have the counciling, and support, and to b able to learn to cope, put into practise, get where im coming from? i understand 100% what you are saying tho. thankyou.

i know the only person i SHOULD b angry with is him, but i just cant bring myself to it.
im angry with myself for letting it happen. even though i didnt. im just angry at myself. thats one thing im trying to work on atm.
another is that whenever someone says something like, "eww, thats dirty" i say to myself without thinking it, "yeah, im dirty, i know." i dont even realise it, as he tells me horrible things like that, so when ppl say things or words that he's repeated, it triggers them off in my head, and i start thinking like that. i cant help it.

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Heather
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I just wanted to let you know that I have to head off for the night and get some rest. But I'll come back to this in the morning, okay?

if you want, we can do some more brainstorming on ways to get you to a safe place, but perhaps for tonight, you could stay at your boyfriend's or him with you, okay? We can also talk more about riggers tomorrow if you want.

Hang in there, honey: I've no doubt this hurts like hell, but I really can promise that from here on out, if you start to pursue help and safety, things WILL get better, even if they get better more slowly than is obviously ideal.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ice_prinsess
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thats ok, atm, its about 3ish..PM! i hope u have a good nights rest. but for the morning...


ill keep thinking of ideas,... but i cant think of anyone i could go stay with, but yeah, ill keep thinking.
triggers? is there anything to stop or minimise these when im not at home? like, aorund friends? will i get better at handling them/ will they subside?

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ice_prinsess
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it 1am here in australia. no new ideas on places to stay, sorry.

please let me know ur ideas...

xoxo

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Heather
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Back here.

In terms of alternative places to stay -- though at this point, we're probably talking the coming evenings, not tonight -- here is a list of AU dupport services for domestic violence and incest. You could call/contact any of them for support as well as information on resources they might have. They may be able to hook you up with domestic violence shelters, for instance, for those nights when you don't have other alternatives.

(I know, you're having trouble calling anyone, but look, gal: you posted here, and it's gone just fine. I assure you that any calls you make to any of these kinds of services will go just as well if not better: these are folks deeply committed to getting women safe and protecting against abuse.)

Too, you might want to talk to your boyfriend about seeing if you can't just make a temporary schedule of nights he will come over to you, and you'll stay at his place with his folks.

In terms of triggers, the trick with triggers is being able to identify them as such -- like say, phrases someone might say, as you brought up before -- and to avoid them, ideally. In some cases, when you know what things are, that can be helped by asking people not to say or do a certain thing. (For instance, I'm very triggered by loud, slamming doors, so anyone I live with knows not to slam doors in anger, and to try not to do it accidentally.) You can also come up with little rituals of coping when you're triggered to get your head quickly back to a better place: deep breathing can be a big help, or you might devide a little mantra -- an affirmative phrase -- that you repeat to yourself when triggered (like, say, "I am in a safe place now," or "I am healing," or "I am strong and whole," etc.).

When you're out of danger, and some time passes from you being constantly abused, yes: triggers do tend to lose some of their potency over time, and they often become easier to manage. But if you're dealing with PTSD -- post-traumatic stress disorder, which I'd be shocked if you were not -- those triggers tend to have a stronger effect and wear us down more easily. This is yet another reason why it is SO important to get OUT of danger, get AWAY from your rapist, and start getting some help.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ice_prinsess
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thankyou. it helps to know that the triggers will subside to an extent over time.. i was worried they would stay the same almost forever.

tonight, my bf is coming to mine, and the next 2 nights, we will either be at mine or his.. so i ave a few days to call these places... get some info, etc. thankyou.

im looking for work atm, so i can start getting out of the house when no1s home, and to keep my mind busy, also, to save mney to get my own appartment... hopefully sooner than later.

the thought of calling these places for support is already becoming easier. my bf said he will b with me when i do it.

thankyou for your help, do you know of any sites that would help me find numbers in australia for ANY hotlines?

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Heather
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Duh! I forgot to include the link i was trying to refer you to up there!

It's: http://www.dvirc.org.au/ServicesHub/ServicesIndex.htm

Sorry about that!

I'm so glad you at least have a few days of safety, and glad you're feeling closer to able to seek out more help. Big, big hugs.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ice_prinsess
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thats ok, thanks heaps..
ill take a look now.

oh! and in the past 10 minutes, i sent off a resume via email, and they called me straight away.. i have a interview on wednesday! (today being friday) so wish me luck, coz its my way out [Big Grin]

have a great weekend. and ill keep you posted about the hotlines..

xx

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Heather
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That's fantastic, ice. Achievements in your overall life are so important, having survived abuse or not, but when you're trying to take steps to improve your life and esteem while healing, they're critical.

And often, because of being beaten down so badly, a lot of survivors have a tough time even taking the safe risks of trying to do new things in life, so kudos to you! I hope you can spend the weekend feeling really good about yourself: you should.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ice_prinsess
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yes... i shore will. its ALREADY made my weekend.
hopefully, getting the job will make my year! haha. itd b a massive acheivement for me, i think its just what i need atm. my goal for the year..getting a stable job, moving out, reporting. and this is the first step.

thankyou for your support, ill sure b letting u know how the calls go [Smile]

xoxo

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ice_prinsess
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just letting you know, im calling the 'rape crisis hotline' tomorro night, when at my boyfriends house. i got the number, and info from that site u gave me, thanks so much.

xx

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ice_prinsess
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hey, im back at home.. alone. only spent 2 nights with him, he has other things to do.
anyway, i tryed for hours to call last night, i wanted to so badly, but i just cudnt pick up that phone. one thing that was holding me bak, was, what do i say to them when they pick up?

just keeping u updated.

xx

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Heather
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You know, hotline services for rape and incest victims know how to make things easy on people calling in. So, you don't need to worry about what you're going to say -- you can't say the wrong thing, and even if all you can get yourself to say when they picked up is "I'm calling because I need help," they'll guide you from there, really.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ice_prinsess
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ok, thanx. that really does help. i think ill just say "i need help" and then see where it goes from there. that really does make me feel better.

thanku so much for all ur help, its a massive step 4 me, and with ur info and guidance so far, its made it all that easier.

ill keep u posted.

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forget me not
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ice, are things going alright for you? i know i wasnt participating in this thread before and i apoligize for not having any advice to offer you. i hope that if you called one of those support hotlines that they were able to help you. take care.

--------------------
"Fortes fortuna adiuvat" (Fortune favors the brave) - Latin proverb

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