Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Sexual Abuse as a Child

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Sexual Abuse as a Child
Sexually Frustrated
Neophyte
Member # 37604

Icon 4 posted      Profile for Sexually Frustrated     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This might be long but I wanted to explain everything.

Okay this is pretty difficult for me to talk about, I can't go to my family because they don't want to remember it let alone talk about it. Some of my friends know about it, but even talking about it with them doesn't seem to help.

I don't know when exactly it started, but I know I was maybe five at the oldest. And it wasn't a stranger or family friend. It was my 5 year older brother. It started really young, but he wouldn't do much, he'd just take me into the shower with him, he'd touch me and do things that as a I child of that age couldn't possibly understand. And for a time he stopped, but then when I was 7 and 8 years old it started up again. My Grandmom actually walked in on us, but I still didn't understand, I felt uncomfortable and didn't like it. My Grandmom freaked out, but I didn't understand. I don't know if she talked to my Mom or not, I would imagine that she did. But other than taking me out of that room, they never did anything. Things got worse when he was in 8th and 9th grade. He started trying to open me up, it wasn't just touching any more, he tried all kinds of things. And the one time I stand up to him, he scared me so bad, he got so angry that I didn't want to do it any more. After a while I told him that I got my period, just so he wouldn't do it any more. He'd sneak in my room at night, when my parents were gone he'd go through their sex stuff and make me watch porn, use a vibrator and make me try different positions and giving him a blow job, which I hated most of all. The vibrator kind of scared me at the time, cause I didn't know what that feeling was, instead of what now is pleasurable, was strange and kind of scary. Other than my Mom checking on me at night to see if he was in my room, she never really did anything. And my parents are divorced so I don't even know if my Dad knows what happened. And one other thing happened aside from my brother, when I lived in the city I was sitting on my deck steps at night, and my neighbor came over, he sat beside me and unzipped his pants pulled it out and told me to suck on it, but I didn't want to and he kept trying to get me to do it and if it hadn't been for my Mom coming to the door and calling me in who knows what could have happened. I was in kindergarden. After a while my brother stopped and I guess my mind put a block up so I didn't remember it any more, till I had sex again with my Boy Friend. After that I broke up with him cause I was going through so much, all of those memories came flooding back. I had a melt down and freaked out on my brother and my Mom. My brother was angry at me for bringing it up. My Mom had to drive after me cause I was going to run away. I was angry at her and hurt that she never did anything. And my brother, I was just upset cause I didn't know why, why he did what he did. That was the last time I confronted my family about it. I love my brother, and I know he'll never do anything like that again. But it still bugs me.I'm so self conscious now because of it. I can't for the life of me bring my self to give a guy a hand job let alone a blow job. And I want to be able to satisfy a guy as much as he satisfys me, but I just can't do it. I mean this stuff just hovers over me like a dark cloud and I have no idea what to do. And I'm so tired of having sexual issues. And what do I tell the guy I'm dating, if he asks why I'm like this, why I'm so afraid to do stuff and why instead of getting aroused and get wet, I dry up. What do I in a serious relationship with someone that I could possibly marry, what do I tell them and how. How can I get over this, will I ever? [Confused] And I don't even know if I could talk to a shrink about it. So if you could give me any advice what so ever, I would much appreciate it.

P.S. Sorry it was so long.

Posts: 5 | From: United States | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orca     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. I think it's incredibly brave, though, that you were able to come here and open up about it. It shows that you are a strong individual and you can overcome this. This is just the first step, but I think in time you will be able to open up to future partners about it and you will be able to have happy, healthy relationships.

Let's focus on the now, though. First, are you living at home with your mom and brother still? If so, do you have relatives or friends you could stay with? How do you feel about contacting child services to get removed from that environment? I'm sorry to bombard you with so many questions, and you can certainly take your time answering them, however long you need. If you are willing to let us know your location, we can find some resources for you. You can send us an email via the contact us link at the bottom of the page if you would be more comfortable with that.

You said you don't feel comfortable talking to a therapist, but how about a hotline? Most hotlines are anonymous and you can go at your own pace in terms of your comfort level and hang up at any time. Would you be willing to try that?

--------------------
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sexually Frustrated
Neophyte
Member # 37604

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sexually Frustrated     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I meant to mention this in the message above but there was so much that I was trying to put down. I'm now 19 and my brother is 24. My brother and I get along now as if nothing had ever happened. I'm not so much upset with him, I mean it still of course bothers me. But I do love my brother and he is a much better brother now than he ever has been. He hasn't touched me in over 9 years or hurt me in any way. I guess it was easier to forgive him because of the mental block I had put up. I forgot it for so long, for years. Had we both been a lot older and me actually understand the situation, he would have been in court faster than he could say "I didn't do anything." Now my only real issues are my relationships with other people. I find my self pushing away from relationships because of these reason. I'm just afraid they'll think something is wrong with me and I'm afraid to explain it to anyone cause I don't know how they'll react. I know I'm not at fault, but I can't give guys what most guys would normally ask of a girlfriend and only recently have I been able to actually initiate anything. I've only recently been able to actually talk to a few people about it, but not in great detail, cause I know a lot of people probably don't want to know any more than the fact that I lost my virginity to my brother.

But yes I would definitely consider a hotline.
My email address is [email address edited for your safety: orca].

[ 03-23-2008, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: orca ]

Posts: 5 | From: United States | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
(I edited out your email address for your protection: per our users guidelines, please don't publicly post personally identifying information like that, okay?)

Has your brother yet actually taken any accountability for this? Have you all had any sort of family therapy?

I ask, because if it's just this unspoken thing, or he doesn't assault you anymore, but it also wasn't earnestly worked through, with him taking real responsibility, that's probably part of why you're having some of these issues.

But just FYI? Given how many women have been sexually abused or assaulted -- around one out of every four of us -- it's not like you can't give to a partner what most partners need, or like many men will not at some point have a partner who is a survivor. And you needing more time than this -- especially since it doesn't seem you've had much real healing or any help in it, is not something atypical, but it also doesn't mean you'll always feel the way you're feeling right now.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orca     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Without knowing your location, I can't find any resources specific to your area, but you can try RAINN. There's a link on that page to RAINN's website, too.

I think as time goes on and you talk to a therapist specialized in abuse, you will be able to open up to people about it and feel comfortable telling it. The healing process takes time, but you do feel better and you do get to go on with your life and find happiness.

--------------------
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3